click to enlarge

Here at the Institute we get a lot of lightning. Storms come rolling through the valleys sending out lightning and thunder at an incredible rate. This is the view from the observation deck of the main headquarters building here at the Institute and it is a typical sight from a Saturday night storm. This is known as your forked lightning. Other than the fact that forked lightning can cause humongus forest fires we don’t mind it that much.

Storms on other nights generate different amounts and types of lightning, such as a Tuesday night storm will create what ‘s known as Ball lightning. Ball lightning is just what it sounds like, instead of the crisp forked strikes like in the image above, you get lightning in the shape of balls of various sizes that roll along the ground willy-nilly, jumping here and there and generally setting stuff on fire.

Monday is a bad night for lightning. Monday you get what is called Sheet lightning, that is lightning in a sheet form that if it strikes too close to your house will set your bed on fire. Don’t sleep in your bed on Monday nights.

Wednesday nights are ok, we don’t get storms on Wednesday nights.

Friday night lightning is what is referred to as CC lightning, or Cloud to Cloud lightning. This is the party lightning of the celestial electrical power service. It’s on Friday night because that is party night, where folks gather in the out-of-doors for different social events. Softball games, beach parties, mid-night marches on Washington, Ranger talks at National parks, anywhere that people get together in groups of fifty or more for some legitimate reason you’ll find CC lightning. The sound of the thunder you hear is actually the crowd noise of the people watching it. CC lightning is Mother Nature’s answer to the 4th of July.

Thursday is sort of an iffy night for lightning, it’s kind of  a people’s choice deal. You can get Rocket lightning, Bead lightning, Ribbon lightning, or even Staccato lightning. When you check in at the National Center for Lightning Prediction’s website to see what’s on tap lightning-wise there is a box you can check for the type of lightning you prefer. They average the votes and that’s what you get that night. Vote Rocket lightning, very, very cool.

Sunday…..Man, Sunday is the one you got to watch out for. Sunday we get, and I hesitate to even write this down, Dark Lightning. Dark lightning is bad, really, really, really bad. I used three really’s there because it is really, really, really bad. Dark lightning is made up of stuff most of us don’t even know about, stuff like high energy electrons and its evil twin brother, the anti-matter equivalent, positrons. Don’t be fooled by that name there’s nothing positive about them. That’s anti-matter we’re talking about here. You don’t mess with that stuff. Carl Sagan didn’t even mess with that stuff. Chuck Norris wouldn’t mess with that stuff. If anti-matter happens to mix with your matter, parts of you disappear. And you don’t grow it back. When all those high energy electrons and anti-matter equivalent positrons are doing their thing, it causes explosive emissions of terrestrial gamma ray flashes that the scientific community says are faster than normal lightning. Faster than normal lightning! Do you know how fast normal lightning is? Faster than a cat in a taco kitchen, that’s how fast. Faster than a Big Mac in Bill Clinton’s hands. Fast. What makes it even worse is you can’t even see it. Its Dark Lightning.

We have chosen not to participate in any Dark lightning events here at the Institute and I recommend you do the same. It’s not that we’re scared, it’s a safety thing. Make sure to check that box too, the don’t have Dark Lightning events box, when you’re on the National Center for Lightning Prediction’s website. Its right below the people’s choice selection for Tuesday night. And here’s a PSA for all you folks born with a Silver Spoon in your mouth. Stay inside when there’s lightning. Seriously, stay inside.