Make Love Not Turkeys

Wild Turkeys taken at the former World Headquarters of The Institute

Happy Thanksgiving !

Happy Thanksgiving! It’s that day again, a day to relax even if you’re cooking, a day to lay on the couch after the big meal, watch the game, stuff your face yet again, crack the wishbone with someone you love, or your old enemy if you still have a score to settle, listen to Uncle Skids dumb jokes, watch Aunt Pheeb smack him for his language, join the kids playing video games, go for a walk if you’re with those that can’t stand the thought of pigging out on the one day you can, and most of all give thanks for all you have, or in some cases all you don’t.

Do whatever makes the day meaningful for you even if it’s having a TV turkey dinner in front of the tube alone, it’s ok, really. Me, I’m going to spend it with friends that I love, hope you do too.

Zit Over?

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Turkeys are cautious creatures. Under those feathers lies a tastiness that causes an extremely high mortality rate come November. We mentioned in an earlier post how turkeys have begun managing this problem, the getting eaten problem,  ( http://www.bigshotsnow.com/surrealism-and-turkeys-a-holiday-story/ ) here at *The Institute, but we felt that we should delve into what happens after the holiday is over. When everyone is stuffed to the gills so to speak with their hapless cousins.

The genetically changed birds who have been safely (see above post) but surrealistically hidden begin their trek back to the easy but generally safe pickings around The Institute. Meanwhile the unchanged or non-GMO original turkeys come out of whatever haphazard hiding place they have been in.

Since Turkeys have a unique calendar, one that unfortunately has only eleven days to the month on it that resides mainly in their heads, and because they cannot hold things like calendars with their fat yellow feet, they miss out on about half the stuff that goes on around them during that part of the month that doesn’t coincide with our human calendar. Unfortunately for them Thanksgiving falls on the missing days of their pretty dumb calendar but appears with startling clarity on ours. You can see the problems that this might cause our friends the turkeys.

Consequently beginning on the first day of November they begin scratching the days of the month on a nearby rock with their beaks to mark off the days until they should hide real good. It is important that they accurately mark off the days as they have to estimate how long it is after their eleven days of their month have been used up that they must hide for the next two weeks that aren’t covered by their calendar. This is important because if they screw up and come out say the day or two before Thanksgiving………. Well you know what can happen, and given the high demand for their participation at the holiday table this can be disastrous for their Christmas plans.

On that first day of reappearance they are understandably nervous and jittery. The have to figure out if they’ve done a good job of estimating or not. What day is it exactly they ask. They can’t depend on their own calendar due its unsatisfactory composition. That’s why when you see turkeys in the wild like this bunch their heads are on a swivel and their cries of “Hey you know what day it is? Thanksgiving, zit over” ring through the neighborhood.

This bunch was lucky, they timed it just perfectly and emerged on the 26th of November just when humans are looking at the turkey carcasses sitting on the kitchen counters thinking “OK that’s about enough Turkey for a while.” So they’re safe for the next year if you don’t count coyotes or Great Horned Owls or some of the younger birds getting on crack or something.

Due to the paucity of large breasted turkeys this holiday the Director and his right hand woman with their very good friends had Cornish Game hens this Thanksgiving and you know what, they tasted just like Turkey.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Surrealism and Turkeys A Holiday Story

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Surrealism is seldom affiliated with Turkeys or the day in which we eat them. It is usually thought of as an art movement where in the words of one artsy art guy, its aim was to “resolve the previously contradictory conditions of dream and reality”. It’s like a really big deal in art circles and everyone who knows about it is very proud of their knowledge. Mainly because most real people don’t know what it is and the art guys get to look very smart when they talk about it.

So whats that got to do with turkeys, Thanksgiving, and the proper preparation of their carcasses. Normally we’d say not much, but in the case of our free-range turkeys here on *The Institute’s grounds it’s a very big deal, huge actually. Because of the fact that our Institute’s hunters, I mean gatherers go out and collect about 150 male, female and children turkeys to feed our staff, interns and hangers-on each Thanksgiving, the turkeys have become very adept at camouflaging themselves in the weeks leading up to their Day of Doom as they call it. So adept that they have changed their DNA and developed strategic methods of keeping themselves from being harvested.

In the image above you can see one of the abilities that they have developed which is to project a dreamy, fog enshrouded look, a surrealistic mood if you will, to hide their passage past the commissary and its lurking Turkey harvesters. How is this possible you ask? It took us a long time to figure this one out ourselves, but after capturing one male turkey and giving him a tour of the modern hygienically sterile robotically equipped turkey processing center and offering him immunity, he spilled his guts (figuratively speaking) and showed us his genetically improved body. There are glands beneath their wings that will emit a heavy misty fog like atmosphere around them as they walk and flap their wings. The more they flap the greater the fog until they are virtually undetectable. This is pretty remarkable if not unbelievable when you think about it.

The turkey above is one Mrs. Breton with her children Andre, Cecily and Yolanda, A Surrealist of the first order, heading off into the far reaches of the Institutes back country until the holidays are over. As they pass through the fog they utilize the other major protective defense they have developed, a substance they call turkey sweat which is secreted by more glands on the bottoms of their feet. As they walk they leave a trail of this turkey sweat which has strong hallucinogenic properties that are picked up and dispersed thru the fog causing anyone within 800 yards of the turkeys to see things very differently. Everything becomes extremely surrealistic. Kind of like that acid trip you came down from once while rafting down the Colorado river and watching the walls of the Grand Canyon turn vivid hues of color like an old Technicolor movie before melting and threatening to capsize the boat.

We had been wondering why our Turkey harvest had gone from the hundreds down to like four this year. Now we know. Everybody connected with harvesting the usually plentiful flock of birds has been sitting around in the meadow chewing on grass stems and looking at the sun for long periods of time. Although we have our anti-hallucinogenic department working feverishly on an antidote to the Turkey problem it looks like we’ll be having sauerkraut tacos with fried okra and perhaps some spaghetti dumplings for Thanksgiving dinner this year. But that’s better than nothing at all which is what the Canadians have each year as they thoughtlessly continue to not celebrate Thanksgiving. They’re fat, dumb and happy up there eating moose parts with lard cakes and spam balls dipped in pine needles. But that’s their choice. If they weren’t so nice we’d hold that against them.

We hope to have the Turkey problem under control next year at this time but in the meantime everyone here at The Institute wishes you a very Happy Thanksgiving. If you feel funny later in the day it was probably the turkey. Just lay down for a while. It should be ok.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

They Eat Turkey, Right?

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A dialogue about Thanksgiving between Gary and Dick, the Red Canyon owls.

You know what the day after tomorrow is, right?

No, What is it?

It’s a day the humans call Thanksgiving.

So what

Don’t you know what they’re thankful for?

Un unh

They’re thankful because it’s a day they get to eat birds.

What! They eat birds? Holy crap! I just made a white spot on this rock. Umm… so like what kind of birds

I’m not real sure but I know Turkeys get real nervous about now.

You think they eat Turkeys? What about other birds, they don’t eat Owls do they?

I don’t think so but if they start handing out extra mice, don’t take any.

How do you know all this stuff?

Mom told me. She said they all get together, get a turkey, cut it’s head off, pull off all of its feathers, then cook it whole. They burn them until the skin crackles.

Get the  out of here. You’re just trying to get me to wet my feathers.

No bro, mom said. Go tell her you don’t believe they eat birds on Thanksgiving. See what she does. She’ll have your goofy butt out there stacking pellets so fast.

I’m really scared Gary. What if they want to eat owls.

I think we’re ok Dick, just don’t make any gobbling noises or wear that fake wattle you were screwing around with the other day. Also we can fly real good and Turkey’s can barely get their fat butts off the ground.

I know, but let’s go hide anyway. Where’s mom?

Redtail Hawk 1 Rattlesnake 0

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As they say out here in Colorado “The mail needed picking up” and since we occasionally get financial remuneration via snail mail and we haven’t had any interns able to pass the strict bonding requirements we have here at The Institute, it fell to the Director to go and get  the mail.

Our mail box is located down the five mile dirt road that gets you up and down from the mountain top The Institute is located on, to the modern one lane highway below. On the way down the ‘hill’ you run the chance of seeing wild animals being wild, such as turkeys walking around trying not to get eaten by the coyotes, elk in both male and female forms, mule deer of course, bears, just the black ones not the big grizzlies that roam further north, foxes, the red ones, the aforementioned coyotes, Eagles mostly Goldens but once in a while a bald one will fly by, and lots of birds. Everything from songbirds to grouse and now some Chukar. Hawks, falcons, pelicans flying by to get to somewhere where there is enough water, lots of migratory birds and our favorite species the Redtail hawk.

The Redtail is the hands down favorite because it does one really neat thing. It hunts, kills, and eats rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes are what takes the fun out of running barefoot through the tall grass. Rattlesnakes bite. We had a neighbor near us, who was minding her own business doing absolutely nothing provoking, get bit and besides costing what a small Korean car costs it made her foot swell up to the size of your standard microwave oven. And she said it hurt too. A lot.

Most people in this country don’t like rattlesnakes. I mean, there’s a few that like them but they are not the majority by any means. People who don’t like them, the rattlesnakes not the people who do like them, generally hit them with a shovel until they’re dead. It is said by those folks who do like rattlesnakes that one of the reasons we should take these rattlesnakes close to our bosoms, are of the opinion that they do good by eating rodents, therefore let’s have them hang around doing that. Others say “Nope. Don’t think so. Gonna kill ’em”.  We believe that if they, the rattlesnakes, want to act that way they should do it way, and I mean way far away from where good American taxpaying citizens hang around. So there is a difference of opinion there.

It’s amazing that the Redtail hawk sides with the shovel smacking people and kill every one of those rattlers they see. They also pass this trait on to the young Redtail hawks by bringing home the snake, often still wriggling, for their little ones to eat. We at The Institute believe this is laudable behavior and compliment the Redtail parents on their good sense whenever we chance to speak with them.

The image above, which was taken just across the highway from our mailbox, shows the Redtail parent in the act of taking the rattlesnake it has just that moment caught, to a tall telephone pole where it would begin the process of making it not alive. Then it flew it back to the nest for the young to eat. We cheered and gave it the universal thumbs up gesture of approval before returning to sorting out the bills from the junk mail, then throwing the entire mess in the dumpster. I know, you’re saying if you’re just going to throw it all in the dumpster why bother sorting it out. We sort because every once in a while there is a check in there and then we’d have to go back and do dumpster diving which is not very dignified for a Director of a major Institute like ours to be doing. Which of course brings us to, if you’re looking for nominations for the “Most Useful Bird of the Year” award we heartily recommend Nature’s helper the Redtail hawk. Remember vote now and vote often. These birds need our support.

Vigilance

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Wild turkeys live in out here in Northern Colorado and are regularly seen as you travel about in our rural settings. In the spring there will be large flocks with many hens and numerous chicks. It is not unusual to see flocks with as many as three or four dozen birds in them. That’s in the spring, right after the hatch, and before they begin moving around too much. Then nature begins to make adjustments. Coyotes are probably the turkeys biggest threat as they can easily run down the chicks who aren’t able to fly well, if at all. Sometimes the chicks will be taken by hawks or owls but mostly it is coyotes who are the main predators and sometimes unfortunately, by dogs running loose. This picture was taken in mid-August and though the large flocks of spring have by now broken up into smaller groups, there is only one chick left in this brood. If this chick is to make it to an age where she can have chicks of her own, every step she or the rest of the flock takes must be taken with caution and they will have to exercise one of their most important skills, Vigilance.