Tag Archives: Top Ten Gifts

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift Selection # 1 – Your Very Own Tame Photographer

Posted on by

Dwight Lutsey Photographer (shown here in untamed state) – At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase (or at least rent) your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “Go get’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special non-Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Minimum daily per diem of $11,431.19 required.  Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gifts #2 – Poison Dart Tree Frogs

Posted on by

We have made one change in our gifts offered this year. In the spirit of the season and in keep with the thought of giving more this year to clean up some karmic imbalances that are lingering around the old fire pit we here at *The Institute have decided to replace the originally published #2 GIFT Item for you to choose, which as you remember was the famous 5lb. Ham from the great Polish joke about the guy that asked his boss for time off to attend a Polish wedding….. but unfortunately due to recent events in the world that joke is now considered to be way too out of line to put in a Christmas gift list and besides someone who shall not be named ate the ham in a fit of pique and all we’ve got left is the empty can, so sorry no Ham this year. But we have substituted something way better in its place. No, no, don’t thank us it’s our way of saying Thank you for your support during the past year.

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Give the gift that keeps on giving! Unique and exclusively available at *The Institute’s own Gift Shop, Catalog, and Screen Door Factory. 

 It’s our very Own Selection of

POISON DART TREE FROGS !!!

It’s that time of year again. You know, when you wrack your brain trying to find that perfect gift for those folks on your indigenous people’s list. We’ve all been through it. You’ve got those eight or nine people that are always so difficult to buy for. They’re in the jungles and backwaters of Guyana or Brazil or even the Amazon. They already have iPhone’s, large screen TV’s, Sam’s club gift cards. You’ve given those Nike T-shirts and matching flip-flops so many times the recipients look at you with that “Is this best you could do.” look and you’re ashamed to add one more set to their collection. What to give them that they’ll love and make a difference in their lives? We have the answer!

This year give them something they can really use. Poison Dart Tree Frogs!

That’s right, choose from our great selection of Poison Dart Tree frogs grown in our own highly restricted zoology labs here at *The Institute. We have a fantastic color selection and each frog has been force-fed specially formulated Poison Dart frog chow developed with our friends at Purina. These frogs are as deadly as they come. Those Howler monkeys will never know what hit them, but our friends down there in their snake-infested homes will. See the joy on their faces as it “Rains Howlers!” That’s right “Monkeys from the sky!” See the special glow on their faces as they use blowdarts dipped in their very own Poison Dart Tree Frog poison made from the sweat and other gooey secretions on these little frogs bodies. Watch as they build and customize their very own collection of Poison Dart Tree Frogs that you sent them. Remember, Give a man a dead Howler monkey and he will eat and perhaps become ill, but teach him how to make his own poison tipped blowgun darts and you will feed him forever.

Choose from the individuals pictured below. Buy just one or get the 3 pack so your gift-tee’s can mix and match their own specially customized toxic brew. They won’t be able to thank you enough.


Acute or chronic Poisoning most commonly by lead, arsenic, mercury, copper and phosphorus. 50mg viagra sale There are several ways that a doctor can check for prostate cancer. online sale viagra Customer satisfaction is our #1 buy viagra for women priority. Chiropractors in Los Angeles are trained health professionals who use a variety of non-surgical treatments, such as spinal manipulation and mobilization, to treat patients with: Lower back pain Neck pain Repetitive Stress Headaches Sports injuries Motor vehicle injuries Through the August 3, 2003 problem on the Peer-Reviewed Scientific Journal, journal regarding Vertebral Subluxation Study, comes a documented case study of a professional ice skater who had suffered from chronic migraine headaches. uk viagra prices
Item #8887PDF11-0-6 Dying Poison Dart Tree Frog. Known as “Kill Dat Monkey”. Yellow and black with Prussian blue feet. Native to northern South America. Toxicity rating 8.9 on the **HMM scale wgt: 1.73 troy ounces $2300.00 each. Limit 100 to each mailing address.

Item #3359PDF27-0-72 Orange Banded Poison Dart Tree Frog, Known as “Drop Them Loggers” Black with orange bands. Native to Guyana, South America.  Toxicity rating 11.4 on the HMM scale wgt. 96 troy ounces. This is our largest Poison Dart Tree Frog so we can only fit four in a box. $19.00 each limit 60 to each mailing address.

Item #5916PDF03-0-19 Purple, black, white, Poison Dart Tree Frog, native to West Hollywood, California, known as Lavender Lovelace for the deep-throated roar it produces right before expelling its poison. Toxicity rating 4.81 on the HMM scale wgt. .062 troy ounces. This is one of our smallest but easiest to use frogs. Due to its low toxicity it is perfect for children just starting out or feeble folks who tend to not know what they’re doing most of the time. Will burn the skin severely but it will not cause death if treated promptly. Must be used with adult supervision if purchased for minors. $81.00 each no limit

Note: These Poison Dart Tree Frogs are dangerous. Use at your own risk. We at The Institute accept no responsibility for misuse of this product. Children under 16 should have adult supervision. May cause skin cancer if applied to the body. May cause agony and death if ingested. Do not suck on the frogs attempting to “get high”, they are not hallucinogenic. Keeps frogs away from food preparation areas. Rinse dead Howler monkeys thoroughly before handling or consuming. Do not store poison in open containers or near fires. Do not rub poison on any part of body to enhance desire. It will have the opposite effect. Keep and read thoroughly all packing and care and feeding instructions for your Poison Dart Tree Frogs. If poison accidentally swallowed immediately find a clear space to lie down in free of any obstructions so your spasms and contortions will not cause property damage. Do not burn bodies of those killed by Poison Dart Tree Frog poison as ingesting the smoke may cause additional fatalities. Enjoy your new Poison Dart Frogs and Happy Holidays.

** HMM (Holy Moley Maynard) a scale developed here at The Institute to measure how fast something dangerous will affect you.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about The Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift Selection # 3 – Monet’s Bridge

Posted on by

Monet’s Bridge Loire Valley France

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Direct from *The Institutes vast architectural holdings we are proud to present in our Top Ten Gift List for the first time anywhere

Monet’s Bridge !!!

Here it is, the gift you’ve been waiting for. Monet’s Bridge. Yeah, the painter guy. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to own a piece of French history that coincidentally is architecture and also has utilitarian uses. It’s a triple threat all rolled into one big chunk of masonry beauty. This bridge is located on the Little Loire river near the small French village of Beau en Valle in the heart of the famous Loire valley which is located well into France, a country near Europe. Paris is just a hop, skip and a baguette up the le road. Once the haunt of visitors wanting to escape the summer heat of Paris it has lately fallen on hard times due to a greatly reduced tourist count.

This is the actual bridge that Monet and his friends used to jump off of, stark naked, to skinny dip when he was a kid. The bridge where he was fascinated by the reflected colors that blended and swirled on the surface of the slowly moving Little Loire river that led him to create a brand new art style. This architectural beauty is perfect for that garden pond, French inspired walking garden, or simply used for access to that lower forty (wide enough  for a John Deere model B tractor and hay wain to cross with room to spare). It can be yours if you move fast. This bridge in all its uniqueness is being sold first come, first served.

The bridge is complete with included guard rails and natural patina you see in the image above. Another lucky break for us came when we discovered that the French, again due to budgetary constraints, were discontinuing the Little Loire river as well. Unfortunately we didn’t find out about this until the river was mostly discontinued but we were able to salvage enough of the actual river water to make a 5½’ diameter pond 4′ deep on either side of the bridge plus some flowage between the two. Also included but not pictured are two road signs, the round white ones with the red circle around the outside with the number 45 in the middle. This historical marvel can be yours for the plebian price of just

Monet’s Bridge 104,953.00 FRF **

item #12312017-1 under bridges sorta famous p.27 in our catalog

Note: Bridge is to be sold intact and must be moved as one piece, includes 50′ of roadway on either side of bridge. Buyer responsible for transportation and permits to allow structure to be moved through the French countryside to the Port of Marseille a distance of 904 km or 562 miles. Any costs of dismantling or razing of French buildings or rerouting phone and power lines to allow transport is the sole responsibility of buyer, as is damage to the French highway system and security to protect workers from angry French citizens. Buyer must post bond equaling $80.00 American and surrender passports until move completed. Buyer must sign agreement not to make fun of French language or make impertinent remarks about local food or culture. Buyer must adhere to strict three-day work week.

** $16,000.00 U.S.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift Selction # 4 – Bird Of The Month Club

Posted on by

Xmas7Golden4904

Captive Golden Eagle

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

*The Institutes Own Bird of the Month Club!!!

Here’s something truly different for that often fussy hard to shop for person on your gift list. Give them a membership to our exclusive Bird of the Month club. They’ll have you to thank as each month, regular as clockwork, the Fed-ex guy shows up at their doorstep with that months selection of exotic if not threatened species. All birds are guaranteed to arrive alive, healthy and hungry, with full documentation as to country of origin, quarantine papers, customs declarations and care and feeding instructions. Note: our birds are guaranteed to be alive upon delivery, unlike the parrots that were imported from England in the 60’s that arrived as, well, dead parrots.

This has been a very successful program for us with satisfied customers in nearly every state. Imagine the fun as you wait for the Fed-ex delivery of each new months selection. Not only will the kids will be out of their excited sugar fried brains, but you will be too, as you wait for each month’s unique delivery. We can tell you the types of birds you will be receiving during the year but it will be a surprise as to which individual species you get each month.

This month’s selection has already been chosen and as you can see it is the beautiful American Golden Eagle. Imagine owning your very own Golden Eagle! This bird had recently been flying free over the Rocky mountains, hunting its prey, the Snowshoe hare or the wily Hoary Marmot or the occasional Shih Tzu, and through a special arrangement with the Department of the Interior we are able to trap them (using a patented humane Leg and Beak restraint system we developed here at the Institute) re-educate them and sedate them with FDA approved “EagleDown”  a mild tranquilizer we use to make the birds manageable while we do stuff to them.

Birds arrive at your doorstep in a humane carton, ready to be unpacked and placed in their new surroundings. Simply remove the bird, dispose of the packing pellets and snip the military grade zip-ties with heavy-duty wire cutters (not included), remove the eye patches and quickly but firmly stuff the bird into its new cast iron home, a 2′ x 3′ cast iron cage constructed out of 3/4″ rebar and welded tightly by trained free-range welders. Cage optional at small extra cost. Note: on some of the larger, more aggressive species you may choose to reverse the unpacking order. Note: Allow 7-14 days for sedative to wear off before handling birds. Carabao (water buffalo) hide gloves highly recommended, optional and available for a small extra cost. If cage is not purchased we recommend chaining bird to heavy door frame, oak or heavy fire resistant metal best. Have children stay back at least 3′ from chained bird during birds waking hours.

Use caution when throwing live rabbits, (our eagles primary food) at them during feeding times. Eagles fiercely protect their food and will attack anyone coming close. Restrain children with fuzzy furry slippers from approaching eagle. There have been some unfortunate incidents reported. Live rabbits, or bunnies as they’re known in the United States, or hares as our friends in the U.K. call them, are available from our catalog at a small extra charge. Flemish Giant Rabbits also available by special order. Each Flemish Giant rabbit is a four day supply of food for your Eagle. Special pricing if rabbits are ordered around Easter. Choose our ‘Year’s Supply’ in special garage-ready storage unit.

This years exciting selection of species include the European Wood Stork, the very one that delivers all those European babies, the feisty but lovable Caracara, a South American eagle, (wear protective eyewear around this eagles razor sharp beak) the Dipper or Ouzel for those with garden ponds, our choice of either a Great, Barred, or Barn owl, Sorry no Snowy’s this year. We were unable to come to an agreement with the Canadian government over our trapping methods.

New this year, the Black-Browed Albatross, usually a long oceanic flier but we have modified the feather patterns on either wing so they simply loop around your yard in a delightful but small radius circle. (your choice of either left or right wing. Do not choose both wings option as the bird then will just sit on the edge of the pond in a non-flying state) Perfect for those with small garden ponds. 100′ of 600lb. test monofilament “TetherSafe” line available for small extra cost. Monofilament line is transparent so it looks like bird is flying free. Note: Monofilament line Recommended in ‘High Wind’ states, Wyoming, Maine, Southern California, Northern Colorado, all Gulf states, lower Eastern seaboard and the occasional hurricane targeted Southern state, plus any other area where wind regularly exceeds 85mph to keep bird from being blown into another state or country due to unlikely line breakage.  Another new choice is the Snail-eating Limpkin, another treat for the indoor or outdoor gardener. We’ve included the Vermillion Flycatcher, great for shut-ins and apartment dwellers. No more flyswatters for you!

A perennial favorite and recently brought back to our collection by special agreement with the Egyptian government, we proudly offer the classic White Ibis, long a favorite of those pert but sassy pyramid builders. Our new and improved variety no longer needs to be near major architecture. (Our Ibis is most comfortable around homes of 7500′ to 12,000 square feet, but have been known to survive around upgraded mobile homes. This selection replaces the Roseate Spoonbill we normally have on hand. Due to a diet change imposed on the spoonbills by the Florida division of Wildlife the Roseate Spoonbills’ color has turned from its usual lovely rose color to a muddy dull maroon with green highlights, quite below our standards.

We round out the selections with our usual, Western Tanager, Emu, African Bee eater, and the always popular, Scarlett Macaw.

Bird of the Month Club Membership 12.95 per month plus shipping and handling

Availability: In Stock

Note: Due to fluctuations in the world market, revolts, coups and general unrest, customs intercessions, organized disapproval of our practices, or lack of funds to complete the program we may at our discretion substitute a realistic life-like hand-painted reproduction of the common sparrow, or even a slightly faded photograph of same if our monthly choice of species is unavailable.

This is one of our least expensive gift programs selected this year but we’re sure you’ll agree it’s certainly one of our most unique. We can offer this program at such a low price because of the huge volume we do in the licit trade of relocating animals and birds around the globe. You may also wish to explore our trial program of “Ducks of the Month” club and new this year “African Predators of the Month” club, this should be an exciting program. Order soon!! Order Often!!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 7 – Angler’s Drone

Posted on by

patterned after an Osprey – Northern Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed  solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

New and Improved ! Now With LED’s and Specially Designed Li-ion batteries.

Can be controlled by your iPhone, iPad, Voice, or American Sign Language.

It’s Our Newest and Greatest Angler’s Drone!!!

Here’s the perfect gift for that hard to buy for fisherman on your gift list. The Angler’s Drone, his very own fish catching drone!

Is your angler often lucky at love but sucks at fishing? Does he come home tired and dejected, feeling like he’s a failure as a man because he can’t outwit a stupid fish? Well now here’s your big chance to give him back his self-confidence and put that spring back in his Bass rod. Get him his own remote control Angler’s Drone programmed with our exclusive patented algorithm ( *The Institute’s Exclusive)  guaranteed to catch the lunkers in his favorite fishing hole.

Unlike other lesser quality Fish Catching Drones ours works! Our patented program uses a combination of mathematical calculations, satellite information, NOAA recommended tide tables, Poor Richards Almanac moon schedules, opinions from local successful fishermen, and a random good luck generator, all coupled with the best technology money can buy to give him fool-proof angling success. We are so confident of the drones ability to catch those giant fish that we offer a iron-clad, money back, no questions asked possibility of a refund if you’re not completely satisfied with your purchase. (some restrictions apply**)

Our drone is manufactured in one of the best drone assembly factories in Taiwan and utilizes top quality materials and high tech programs such as Infrared Eyes, last years declassified cruise missile guidance systems, unbreakable polycast high-density resin wing struts with the latest silk-hardened pre-cast feathers attached with super-strength, heat sealed adhesion to survive those high-speed dives into rough water and uncrackable encrypted electronics to prevent jamming from nearby envious fisherman or lurking wildlife officers.

Propulsion comes from our own unique proprietary CO2 BLAAATZ  Jet-
Go™ release system. Flights of up to 45 seconds are available on one 4 oz. cylinder of inexpensive non-polluting CO2 power cylinders and up to 17 minutes on one 6lb CO2 cylinder, optional, not included. Use the easy glide lubricant to allow for trouble-free insertion of power supply, toss the drone into a mild headwind and you’re fishing. It’s that easy! Simple guidance commands can be shouted up to the drone where it’s proprietary “I can hear you now” audio technology, exclusive to this product, provides exceptional control over your speeding drone.

Availability: In Stock

Colors: Camo, Natural, Pink with friendship anklets on talons, space for up to 16 letters for personalization, our new color this year, Stealth blue which is nearly invisible against the sky, fish can’t see drone coming, and black.

Angler’s Drone $3995.95

Extra 6lb CO2 bottles 64.95 each or buy the handy U-Totem 6-pack and save. Drone shipped unassembled, easily reassembled using common household tools. ( Must have access to Tig welder, centrifuge, coke-fired drying oven and Phillips screwdriver.)

Must be 18 or older with valid drone license to order. Not to be used near airports, government facilities that utilize deadly force, nudist colonies, Skeet shooting ranges, any type of correctional facility, or at an altitude higher than 3500′. Not to be used for surveillance or to lift any object over 40 lbs. Do not use this unit to give small children “rides”, this is not safe. CO2 cylinders must be properly disposed of.  Do not incinerate.  Do not allow propulsion vent at rear of unit to become clogged or plugged. Keep hands, eyes or lips well away from propulsion vent. Replace CO2 cylinder after every immersion. Wear industrial strength rubber gloves as lubricant is Corrosive. Lubricant is Non-Edible and should not be used for any other purpose of any kind. We mean it! This stuff is toxic. Excessive use of lubricant may cause burning of the eyes, nose or lips and cylinder to be expelled during flight. Performance may become erratic if submerged for more than two hours.  All audible commands must be given in a clear unaccented voice within 30′ of unit. Not responsible for drones lost due to inadequate volume or stuttering. Due to unit being able to reach speeds in excess of 220mph it is not recommended to try to “catch” returning units. Always operate unit in a responsible manner. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.
** Some restrictions apply. What! Do you think we’re crazy? Read the small print. All restrictions apply, everyone of them. There are so many we don’t even have room to list them all. I wouldn’t even think of trying to get any money back if I were you. By the time we get done dragging you through the wringer you’ll be paying us just to shut this whole mess down.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Countdown Selection #8 – Home and Personal Security service

Posted on by

Grizzly Yellowstone

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own Home and Personal Security service !!!

With Home Invasions on the rise and other threats to life and property happening daily it’s no wonder people are jumpy and armed. But being armed isn’t the total solution. You have to sleep sometime and while you’re sleeping bad things can happen. That’s where this gift starts to shine. This security service is a complete and total protection plan. While you and your loved ones are peacefully asleep our trained operatives patrol your property, constantly on the lookout for bad people thinking about doing bad things or any thing else that is edible.

No more Home Invasions! NO more people coming in and messing with your Xbox, or that Faberge egg on the mantle. If you’ve been plagued with Home Invasions lately, with our service they stop immediately as the perpetrators never reach your front door!

No more clandestine Meth Labs set up in your garage while you’re out for the evening. The sensitive noses of our trained operatives can sniff out Meth from miles away. Not only do the cooks cease their operations but their equipment is not salvageable after our personnel is through disassembling it. In fact neither are the cooks.

Neighbor’s dog leaving little gifts in your expensive landscaping? Not any more.

Rest easy and be the envy of your friends and neighbors as you live a crime free life style. Feel safe on your property again knowing you can safely use your yard and pool without fear. (Note: use included whistle provided as you leave your dwelling to prevent misunderstandings)

This is a leased service with programs available by the month or year. We have only four personnel available at this time due to the increased demand for home protection. Our certified operatives, each one a federally tagged and certified American Grizzly bear (Contrary to rumors we do not use Canadian Grizzly bears) from various locations around the country. We are able to obtain these individuals because of their inability to conform to Federal and State regulations regarding human interaction. These individuals are highly trained with one of them a former Blackwater employee and the others were involved in securing some of our better known National parks.

Choose between Huey, Dewey, Louie and Maurice. Each has individual talents that are tailored to your special needs and property. Note: Huey and Dewey should not be selected to patrol the same property as they have had territorial issues in the past. Also Maurice is not recommended for families with children or small pets.

Give the gift of safety. This service is perfect for the shut-in or that elderly individual that can not leave the house often. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that your loved ones are safe and secure as long as they stay indoors and keep away from any open windows.

Ordering is easy. Just call *The Institute’s 800 number to have our trainers bring out the individual of your choice to familiarize them with your property’s boundaries. Please have any individuals who might ever visit your home on hand for a meet and greet with our operative and you’re set to go.

Items Included: whistle, (extra whistles available at nominal cost) leash, bells for homeowners to wear so as not to startle operative, Please specify bell colors, aqua, mauve, fire engine red, American school bus yellow, and black. Other colors by request. Manual on DVD for handy viewing, laminated printed card with command phrases allowing interaction with operative. Special note: Never use the phrase “Bad Bear! No!” this does not provide the desired response.

Optional items: 6000 lbs. high quality organic bear food, tuff-shed for food storage, 55 gal. drum pepper spray with handy pour spout, 16,000 volt temporary electric fencing with generator, installation not included, and Day-Glo orange signage warning trespasser’s that you have a security service at work, extra whistles.

HOME SECURITY PROTECTION SERVICE   $111,000.00 per month Order Now ! For a Safe Holiday. Please read disclaimer below before ordering our service.

Disclaimer: Service payment to be made one month in advance and is not refundable. Due to the volatile and uncertain nature of personal protection and security work the Institute cannot be held responsible for accidental death or dismemberment, lawsuits stemming from accidental death or dismemberment, phone charges pertaining to said lawsuits, property damage, disposal charges for human remains, disposal charges for animal remains, dry cleaning or replacement of clothing in the advent it cannot be cleaned, damage to vehicles, catastrophic damage to reputation or loss of quality of life issues, objectionable odors, conflicts arising from interaction with city, county, state or federal officials, damage to home or property from gunshots, flash and bang grenades, or battering rams, postage reimbursement for cease and desist letters, or acts of god and or nature. Lessee’s are expected to have adequate health, property, hazard and catastrophic insurance and will be asked to provide same before any lease can be signed.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

This entry was posted in Re-Published, The Institute and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , by Dwight Lutsey. Bookmark the permalink.

Christmas Gift Selection # 10 For 2017 – Tame Photographer

Posted on by
TamePhotographer4182
Dwight Lutsey Photographer At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “go get ’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining and as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.