We ‘ve had a lot of envious inquiries regarding where we get our magnificent turkeys for our Thanksgiving day dinner here at *The Institute. They are large full-breasted birds that barely fit in to our ovens over at the commissary/cafeteria. Some are so large we need to roast them for several days to get that dark golden brown sheen to their skin. They would be Boone and Crockett World Champion Turkey winners if Boone and Crockett had a category for turkeys.

Turkeys are difficult birds to hunt preferring the deepest pockets of Mountain Mahogany to hide in which are located deep in the backcountry of The Institutes vast holdings. Each year a month or so before Thanksgiving we send out wily hunters, that’s his name, Wily Hunters, to track them down so we know where to go murder them when the time is right.

Each year he comes back empty handed, or what we like to call a complete failure, and reports there are no turkeys anywhere on the property. We know this isn’t true, we hear them singing Turkey songs and making rude comments about Wily down in the valley by the Mulberry trees.

Then we hired Spock (Not his real name). Spock is a hired gun that uses his ability as an Abert Squirrel, to move through the forest with near invisibility to keep tabs on the various creatures that inhabit The Institute’s grounds. He is an Information Mercenary,  a Confidential Informer or CI if you will, a snitch to everyone else, that sells his information to anyone with enough bread to pay his exorbitant fees. And he is very good at his job. He is shown above hopping into view to spill his guts offer the whereabouts of the turkeys Wily couldn’t find. Each time he appears his first words are “You got the bread? No bread no info”.

It was expensive, three whole loaves of Nut and Oat Wheat bread, the good kind from King Soopers, but we now have the location of the biggest Tom Turkeys out there. We’re talking seventy pounders, some of the legs weigh nine pounds a piece. These are the big guys that can barely run let alone think of flying up into the trees. You can take these guys out with a heavy wooden spoon and a strong right arm.

Some might think it is cheating or underhanded to use a confidential informer to get your turkey for the big day, but I say to those people, So how big’s your turkey, eh?. We got four of those big boys for the cost of three loaves of bread. That’s like 12.00 dollars. That’s about 280 lbs. of turkey at about a nickel a pound. Even turkey farmers don’t get them that cheap when you take into account feed and electricity and paying turkey wranglers.

Got to run, it’s time to send out our heavy wooden spoon armed interns to get our birds. No, Wily Hunters will not be joining them in the hunt, or I should say, Gathering, thanks to Spock, he’s in our holding pen right now pending reassignment.

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