If you’ve ever been stalked, pounced on and partially eaten by a tiger, this is probably what you saw right before it happened. There was this blur, a sound something like oiled death sliding across bare ground, then a crunching noise as one of your arms was like completely tore the hell off.

There wasn’t anything personal in this, unless you had been rude or disrespectful to the tiger earlier that is. In that case yeah, you could consider it personal. Tigers don’t usually attack people, unless you live in India or something. As far as it can be researched no one in Northern Colorado has been killed and/or eaten by a tiger here in years.

There was one case where a guy had gone to India just to mess around with tigers and he got attacked and everything removable was bitten off. They sent him back here wrapped in one of those black garbage bags, the ones with the red strips you pull out to tie it shut with, and he died. But that was his own damn fault for going to India in the first place. We all told him, “Don’t Go to India Dude, you’ll get your ass bit off by  a tiger.” Did he listen…No.. so back he comes, assless. Some people just can’t be helped.

Many people ask “Why is that picture so blurry?” Well just look at it. That’s a tiger coming at you. Do you want to wind up like assless Harry? No I thought not. What you do if you have this much warning is you put your camera up over your head and run like a bastard for that tiger-proof dugout over there. Hopefully there will be someone behind you that isn’t as fast as you are.

Tigers are not our friends. You do not see touching stories on YouTube of young women who frequently lie down with wolves or bears or even lions doing so with Tigers. No that’s because tigers are equal opportunity biters. They will bite anything, man, woman, child, land rover, chickens, guys who like to look at tigers, anything, simply because they are tigers and that’s what they do. There will be some skeptics out there that will say ” Yeah but, what about those pictures of people feeding those baby tigers in the Zoo? What about them?” ( the huh? is understood) I hate those kind of questions. The asshats that ask those questions always act like they “got you” by asking stuff like that.  (they are probably related to Assless Harry) The answer is easy, all of those tigers that can be handled by people are animatronic. That’s right they’re not real. They’re like little furry robots. They have all these air tubes and wires running out of their butts that you don’t see because of clever camera angles. All they can do is lay on their back and drink milk out of a bottle and squeak. You put them on the floor and they take two steps and fall over their little tiger legs still moving like they were walking. The big ones out in the yard are real tigers. You don’t see anyone laying down with them all friendly like. They’re professionals. The people not the tigers, wait, the tigers are professional too now that you think about it. They know that they’ll get things bit off if they go in there.

This has been a quick little lesson if you will, about tigers,  how to approach them, or how not to approach them. It has been presented not so much as a life lesson, but if you learned anything that’s great and just might help you out some day, but more to let you know that if you see a tiger loose in your neighborhood, don’t approach it. Don’t attempt to give it treats to win it over. Don’t listen to its velvety voice telling you that it is a friendly tiger and he wouldn’t mind if you wanted to lie down together for awhile. That would be a big mistake. Just ask old Assless Harry, Oh wait, you can’t.