Tag Archives: technology

Mules and the Art of Pipe Lighting

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It may be hard for us to fathom now days but back in the 1830’s people smoked. They smoked cigarettes, cigars, pipes, sometimes bark, Indians smoked kinnikinic and they smoked it in anything that could hold tobacco. It wasn’t frowned upon or looked down on, people didn’t come up to a smoker and say “Hey! Put that out don’t you know second hand smoke is a major cause of cancer !?!” The ‘you imbecile’ being understood. In fact doing something that rash just might get you a lit cigar in the eyeball.

With all that smoking going on there were numerous ways to light your tobacco in whatever smoking device you employed. Back East and in certain bawdy houses you had matches made with sulphurous coated heads you struck on your enemies unshaven whiskery face to get them to burst into flame, the match not the enemy, right before the fight started. (See early spaghetti westerns for reference)

As you moved further West you didn’t have matches as they were hard to keep dry, they ran out and they made you look like a sissy if you used them. You could pull a burning twig out of the fire to light up and that worked great. It wasn’t much good when you were on the move however. One of the best uses of technology of the day and the most efficient form of tobacco ignition was the use of a magnifying glass. You just held it up for the sun to shine through it then pointed it at the tobacco and before you could say “Hey! Is that an Indian?” you were smoking. Usually about 2-3″ in diameter the magnifying glass hung in a custom made pouch around the smokers neck for easy use. It wasn’t just for burning ants anymore.

However since this was a form of technology there was a certain amount of science involved in its use. You needed a steady hand to use it. If you were standing on the ground you could lean up against something solid, a building, a rock, a tree, maybe someone steadier than you and aim the glass at your pipe. You could do it freestyle, and some did, but you needed to be sober to do it. Otherwise improper alignment could burn a hole in your fore finger before someone mentioned that you were on fire. Also as you had to carefully look at the point of ignition at the top of your pipe this could make you cross-eyed and dizzy and go all over wonky of a sudden. The results of that happening are too numerous to mention here.

The real trick however was to light your pipe while atop your mule. This is where a well trained mule was not only essential but mandatory if you wanted to light your pipe without dismounting. The mule had to be of a scientific nature to begin with, just any old mule out of the barn wouldn’t do. Many were bred just for their ability to recognize a scientific act in the raw and figure out how it could assist its rider in a way that would be the most beneficial to them both. This was done by the mule for a couple of reasons, one, to learn science and technology to enhance its life and two, to get extra oats as a reward. Mules being quick to learn soon saw the benefit of being the most help it could be. They found the extra oats to be a welcome stimulation to their mind and digestive track. There were some mules that were so smart and got so many rewards in the form of oats and other high calorie grains and legumes that you were seeing mules weighing 31 to 3200 lbs. standing in the corrals. Obviously these mules were then used for breeding purposes and not for normal drayage anymore.

In the image above you see how this system worked. You have a vaquero in desperate need of a smoke, his pipe in his mouth and his hand holding the magnifying glass up and pointed at the exact angle needed at sun, ready to suck in a big lungful of smoke as soon as it ignites. What you may not have taken in however is the work that the mule is doing to facilitate this procedure. Look at the way it has positioned the rider so he is at the correct angle needed for full ignition of the tobacco. See him studying the sun shining on the bright green grass watching for any change in its movement. Should a cloud come up casting a shadow over the rider the mule can move forward keeping the maximum amount of concentrated sun power passing through the magnifying glass. This is a well trained mule. It is also a valuable one as its worth to the smoking vaquero can barely be measured in money. Life was tough for those living during those times but as always is the case there were those that made it easier. Having a well trained mule that was adept at the art of pipe lighting made life better.

Moon Painting

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Several days ago we ran a post titled Cloud Cutting http://www.bigshotsnow.com/cloud-cutting/ where we showed off our new weather modification process we have developed here at *The Institute. Using full disclosure you should know that we have “Applied for a Patent, Trademarked it , Branded it, and are protecting it by (American) gun-toting thugs”, who help us convince patent stealers to cease and desist. We have some of the best thugs in the world right here in our own country and they are all certified pure-bred American thugs with no ties to any other country. Period, End of Story. So rest easy only our real American thugs will call on you if you try to steal our patents. The Institute prides itself on buying American and keeping our hard-earned American money working here at home.

What happened was we forgot to tell you about one important aspect of our new technology. It is also as new and revolutionary as our Cloud Cutting program. We have named this new process Moon Painting. We know it’s not a very original name and doesn’t have that new pizzazz that some of our other high-profile programs do, but we wanted this new process to be identifiable by everyone, even if you have trouble analyzing new ideas or English is your seventh and final language. ( Hey we’re not knocking non-native English speakers. We applaud you on your efforts and thank you for trying). Half of our interns do not speak English all that well. In fact many of them do not have a discernible language of any sort, we communicate with them by American sign language and flash cards and loud yelling. It is a fact that if  you yell loudly at them in a language they do not understand they will many times nod as if understanding your meaning and go away and do stuff. Sometimes it is even what you want them to do. Sort of.

But back to the important topic at hand, Moon Painting. Here’s how it works. The moon comes up many times after dark during the month and always it is the same old boring white. Boring being the operative word here and white being the accepted moon color for ages. Our surveys show us that frankly, the majority of you are sick of it and would welcome a new color. This was electrifying news to us as we had been secretively working on the now released Cloud Cutting program, which was only financially viable during the day. We needed another revenue stream that would fill in the rest of day, the dark part, with money generating ability. It was then when someone at one of our interminable staff meetings, we forget who, yelled out “Hey, what about the freaking moon, eh? It works at night. We should like, work on that.” He said ‘eh’ again, which is so redundant the 100th time you hear it that we have chosen to omit it from now on, we don’t care how many times he says it.

But how to paint the moon? What we needed was a “long Throw” projector. Hitachi, NEC, Christie, all make a long throw projector but we needed a very Looooong Throw projector. Like 238,900 miles long. We tried daisy-chaining a bunch of them together to get that extra reach, but that didn’t work. We tried using big fat mirrors the way the huge telescope at Arecibo works but that didn’t work either. Then one of our senior staff members who spends way too much time on Craig’s list found an old used Hubble telescope that had returned not to bunged up to Earth that we could buy really cheap. Like $260 bucks cheap although we had to pay for shipping which added like a humongous charge to it. Those folks at the Post Office even made us come and pick it up. They refused to deliver it and were snotty about it besides, which is something we intend to bring up to the Post Master General the next time we’re hobnobbing at the White house.

So, we built our own. That’s right, our very own long throw projector. After all we had our old unused ShopSmith woodworking tool, an intern with most of his fingers intact, and the hearts and minds with the collective will to do the impossible to make it happen. Yes we used the Hubble as our core and also three of those Hitachi Cp-WU8461 at ten grand a pop, our second largest expense, and using our own proprietary procedures that we’re not at liberty to disclose, built an adequate but serviceable projector. We say adequate because it does have a few wrinkles to work out yet. We use Thomas Edison’s largest light bulb ever made which is 14 feet tall, weighs eight tons, and shines like the dickens to provide our light force. We could point it at you out there in the heartland or even farther but we don’t want to put your eye out. This thing is bright. You can actually see the last one (we bought the last dozen of these bulbs they had in storage) at the Edison Museum and Memorial Tower in Edison, New  Jersey. However big as the bulb is it only lasts for about 26 minutes at full power and about two and a half hours at half-strength which produces a washed out color that isn’t all that appealing. At full strength though Virgil, it’ll flat paint that moon any primary color you want. See actual image of moon being painted above. This was taken just two nights ago and we were able to keep that moon painted nearly 8 minutes before that old Edison bulb blew, taking out the mounting ring at the back of the projector, bending the mounting tube on the Hubble’s rear flange and the wall behind it. Scared the bejezuz out the operator and most of the county below the proving grounds down there on the flat lands. The lights below the moon are from the interns’ village where the substitute interns live and wait for their rotation up here at The Institute.

Our plan is to have the kinks worked out of our projector by the end of October, hopefully in time for Halloween. There are plans for many novelty projections on the moon such as a Smiley Face, Peace Symbol, Ying-Yang symbol, caricatures of your favorite or most disliked politicians, the list is endless. Plus some corporate advertising, we got to make this thing pay for itself someway. For more information or pricing please send Self-adressed stamped envelope and six dollars American money, preferably gold or silver certificates, to Tell Me More, The Institute, Northern Colorado. Please allow six to eight weeks or an even longer undetermined amount of time for delivery.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind.

Announcement !

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As you could tell by reading yesterday’s post I’m on my way to Yellowstone National Park. http://www.bigshotsnow.com/the-words-out/  to take pictures and boldly go where everybody else has gone before. Since my last visit I have increased the number of research vehicles here at the Institute by one, adding the Mothership, a 30′ fully articulated vessel similar to the Black ships that plied the Sea of Japan in the early 1700’s, but with color TV and a microwave, and a place to store cookies, she has now become the stately old grand dame of our fleet. Able to tow our shuttle craft, we are completely self-contained and able to stay out on our journey’s for weeks at a time.

I hope to be able to post more frequently on this trip due to the increased technology included in the Mothership with the addition of improvements such as a table to place my webernet connection device, electricity to power all of the incredible technology installed in the IT room, and a electric hot plate to make my tea in the morning. Without my tea nothing happens, nothing, so this is a very necessary improvement over the coal fires used in the Bokeh Maru.  As we will be touring the wilds of Montana, Wyoming and Idaho comfort and convenience are paramount. Our previous ship the Bokeh Maru has assumed other duties, although still remaining one of our principal vehicles in the exploration of the known universe, her role is to be more of a scout ship, used primarily for shorter forays. She will enter dry-dock for a D&C, or Dusting and Cleaning as it’s known in the trade, her reward for years of faithful service, then it will be back to work, hauling interns to projects, running down to the mailbox for the mail, and ferrying dignitaries up the hill to The Institute.

Now, having said I would post more frequently you must understand that this is still the 21st century and there are limitations at hand. There are unseen forces out there at work with nothing to do but bollix up our best laid plans and all that, so if I don’t post for a few days in a row do not freak. I’ll be bock. And if like in most or our explorations, where everything goes completely to hell in a hand basket, and I don’t post at all I’ll be back in a couple of weeks with stories to tell, adventures to relate, and clothes to wash. So wish us Bon voyage, steady winds at our backs, and remember, I’ll be thinking about you.