Tag Archives: snakes

Considerin’ Slitherin’

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EbeneezerSqueezer1919

If snakes were people this one would be a combination of Leon Redbone and Tom Waits. Cool, but in a mean, slick kind of way. Somebody you’d like to watch do his thing, but from way across the bar. And the waitresses, the ones that will serve him anyway, they all call him Tongue. Just because. This guy exudes menace like a cheap cologne.

If snakes wore shirts he’d have a straight razor hanging down inside his collar, and you’d want to watch close if he put his hand up to the back of his neck. He isn’t scratching, he’s reaching. Somebody’s going to get cut.

Here in New Orleans, just outside the 9th ward, there’s a bar, the one just off St Claude Ave. The one with the sign that hasn’t had working neon since 1946. The one with the broken juke box they don’t need to fix because there’s a kid there that will sing every blues tune you know for a quarter a throw. The one where if anyone got bit or squeezed real bad no one would say a word, because no one saw a thing. It has a spot at the end of the mahogany that no one will sit at whether he’s there or not. Even the most foolhardy tourist instinctively knows that’s no man’s land. That’s his bar and everybody is ok with that. They don’t go there if they aren’t, it’s bad joss and he can smell that on you.

Lots of snakes have chosen garish multi-colored skins, neon colored, they’d flash Vegas style if they could. But Big Billy Coils, that’s his given name, William Coils, but everyone who knew him by that is pretty much gone now. Victims of fights, booze, unpaid debts, horse, neglect and poor judgment. He’s found the colors that work for him. He’s leaving all the rainbow stuff to the wannabees, this look gets done whatever he wants done. He just stopped in tonight to check out the crowd. He hasn’t eaten in about 3½ weeks and he’s hungry. He’s off towards Algiers to see what might be hanging around the docks so he’s considerin’ slitherin’. I’d put off any late night strolls along the river tonight. Best you stick to the brightly lit streets.

What To Watch For In Yellowstone

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BearsInTrees2715

So many of you when you’re walking through Yellowstone, are looking down at your feet aren’t you? I know you do, don’t deny it, I see you. You’re probably looking for snakes, right? Well there are very few snakes in Yellowstone. Hardly any. And the few that are there are more worried about being stepped on by a buffalo then they are by you. So they hide. Snakes are good hiders. You’re not going to see one.

What you really should be worried about is bears. Bears in trees to be more specific. Because they get in them. You should be looking up, way up, that’s where the bears are. They go up there for a lot of reasons. They like it up there, they did it when they were kids and it feels good, there’s stuff to eat if they get in the right tree, pine cones, bugs, leaves sometimes, and many times they’ve made friends with some birds and they go up just to visit. Usually bears go in trees for simple pleasant reasons.

But sometimes, and you can never tell when, you’ll find that there are bears up there that aren’t up there for altruistic reasons. They are ones that have gone up there for all the wrong reasons. These are the ones that had trouble in school, ran with the wrong crowd, started smoking and drinking at an early age, probably were promiscuous, had problems with abandonment issues, always blaming everything on their moms who left them when they were two. We call them “Bad Bears”. These are the one you should watch out for, why you should be looking up instead of walking around staring at your feet.

These are the bears that will suddenly but unexpectedly drop out of trees and eat your lunch. Don’t scoff, it could happen and it does. I have a hat that is full of bite marks from bears dropping out of trees and being upset that I don’t carry a lunch, take it out on me and my hat by biting it until it is almost ruint, and it’s a Tilley. It was expensive.

So I’m hoping you’ll take my warning seriously, I know many of you won’t, thinking this is just me pulling your leg, but don’t come whining around here when a bears drops out of a tree and does something mean to you. I tried to warn you. For those of you who are serious and pay attention to warnings, like those really annoying ones from Public Radio where that obnoxious horn bellows at you and they say “This is a test, if a real catastrophe had happened you’d of kissed your butt goodbye way before this message was over….” etc., then you’ll take heed and will make an effort to walk around looking up in the trees instead of at your feet.

You need to watch for those the signs that say “Be Bear Aware!” they didn’t just put them there for your amusement. They’re there for the same reason that deer crossing signs are where they are.  A deer has been killed there and they figure it will happen again. So if you see one those “Be Bear Aware!” signs stop immediately, and look up even if there’s no trees around, it’s good practice. Many times you’ll be glad you did. Just be careful you don’t trip over that snake laying there across the path.