Tag Archives: Science

Mules and the Art of Pipe Lighting

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It may be hard for us to fathom now days but back in the 1830’s people smoked. They smoked cigarettes, cigars, pipes, sometimes bark, Indians smoked kinnikinic and they smoked it in anything that could hold tobacco. It wasn’t frowned upon or looked down on, people didn’t come up to a smoker and say “Hey! Put that out don’t you know second hand smoke is a major cause of cancer !?!” The ‘you imbecile’ being understood. In fact doing something that rash just might get you a lit cigar in the eyeball.

With all that smoking going on there were numerous ways to light your tobacco in whatever smoking device you employed. Back East and in certain bawdy houses you had matches made with sulphurous coated heads you struck on your enemies unshaven whiskery face to get them to burst into flame, the match not the enemy, right before the fight started. (See early spaghetti westerns for reference)

As you moved further West you didn’t have matches as they were hard to keep dry, they ran out and they made you look like a sissy if you used them. You could pull a burning twig out of the fire to light up and that worked great. It wasn’t much good when you were on the move however. One of the best uses of technology of the day and the most efficient form of tobacco ignition was the use of a magnifying glass. You just held it up for the sun to shine through it then pointed it at the tobacco and before you could say “Hey! Is that an Indian?” you were smoking. Usually about 2-3″ in diameter the magnifying glass hung in a custom made pouch around the smokers neck for easy use. It wasn’t just for burning ants anymore.

However since this was a form of technology there was a certain amount of science involved in its use. You needed a steady hand to use it. If you were standing on the ground you could lean up against something solid, a building, a rock, a tree, maybe someone steadier than you and aim the glass at your pipe. You could do it freestyle, and some did, but you needed to be sober to do it. Otherwise improper alignment could burn a hole in your fore finger before someone mentioned that you were on fire. Also as you had to carefully look at the point of ignition at the top of your pipe this could make you cross-eyed and dizzy and go all over wonky of a sudden. The results of that happening are too numerous to mention here.

The real trick however was to light your pipe while atop your mule. This is where a well trained mule was not only essential but mandatory if you wanted to light your pipe without dismounting. The mule had to be of a scientific nature to begin with, just any old mule out of the barn wouldn’t do. Many were bred just for their ability to recognize a scientific act in the raw and figure out how it could assist its rider in a way that would be the most beneficial to them both. This was done by the mule for a couple of reasons, one, to learn science and technology to enhance its life and two, to get extra oats as a reward. Mules being quick to learn soon saw the benefit of being the most help it could be. They found the extra oats to be a welcome stimulation to their mind and digestive track. There were some mules that were so smart and got so many rewards in the form of oats and other high calorie grains and legumes that you were seeing mules weighing 31 to 3200 lbs. standing in the corrals. Obviously these mules were then used for breeding purposes and not for normal drayage anymore.

In the image above you see how this system worked. You have a vaquero in desperate need of a smoke, his pipe in his mouth and his hand holding the magnifying glass up and pointed at the exact angle needed at sun, ready to suck in a big lungful of smoke as soon as it ignites. What you may not have taken in however is the work that the mule is doing to facilitate this procedure. Look at the way it has positioned the rider so he is at the correct angle needed for full ignition of the tobacco. See him studying the sun shining on the bright green grass watching for any change in its movement. Should a cloud come up casting a shadow over the rider the mule can move forward keeping the maximum amount of concentrated sun power passing through the magnifying glass. This is a well trained mule. It is also a valuable one as its worth to the smoking vaquero can barely be measured in money. Life was tough for those living during those times but as always is the case there were those that made it easier. Having a well trained mule that was adept at the art of pipe lighting made life better.

Whoa! Legless Bronco Busting

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Legless Bronco Busting!!!

Hang on to your hats ladies and Gentlemen! Here’s the latest in Rodeo events, the newest, the wildest, the craziest yet, its LEGLESS BRONCO BUSTING!!! That’s right we said it, you heard it, Legless Bronco Busting. The new event that’s sweeping the rodeo circuits from Texas to Oklahoma, Wyoming to Oregon, Colorado to, well you get the picture. It’s everywhere. Are you bored with the same old wild mustang bucking horses that come out and jump around the arena for a while doing stupefying flying leaps and incredible horse-like acrobatics while trying to unseat its rider. The spectacular has become boring. You’ve seen it all before and you’re tired of it. So all that’s left is to head to the refreshment stand and drink some beer to break the boredom. Better to go hammer back a dozen longnecks then watch the same old Crow hop, sidestep, Sunfish, swap ends, flip over backward, bite you in the loading chutes, tired old antics of conventional buckers. If that’s where you’re at then this newest of the new events Legless Bronco Busting is right up your alley.

What’s wrong with the old stuff? Why do we need a new event? Well that’s easy. If you’ve been to a World Championship rodeo, say like the one in Vegas or Tucson with all that prize money and seen the same old dusty world champion cowboys riding the same old tired world-class bucking stock. Staying on for 8 seconds, throwing their hats in the air, wearing those big fancy belt buckles, lip packed full of Skoal, you know that deep down you’d like to see something fresh, something new, something that puts the shine back on your chaps. Well Legless Bronco Busting is just the ticket.

A little history about the event. Bronco busting has been around since way before Gene Autry or Roy Rodgers. It goes way back. Back even before Lash LaRue. Some say it was the first event ever held and prepared the world for what we now know as RODEO. Don’t know if I’d go that far, but it has been around for a long time. Way before TV anyway. But it’s gotten a little stale. The Boomer generation, which has practically ruled the world ever since they came into being, is getting a little long in the tooth. Aging, getting old. Some of them are way into their late 60’s 70’s and even their early 80’s and they still want to rodeo. They still want to ride the big rides. They still want to go the saloon for a shot and a beer and a fistfight. They want to chase, or at least shuffle, after those long-legged but buxom cowgirls that hang out in those smoky, whiskey infused places. They want to win those big belt buckles to complement their wide suspenders. They’re not done yet, not by any means. But what to do? They can’t even crawl up the sides of those loading chutes to board a bronc let alone stick on anything but a toilet seat for 8 seconds.

That’s where the genius of modern technology comes into play. Science in other words,  the same stuff that brought you global warming. You all heard of genetic modification, or the cloning of that sheep, Dolly. That’s all done with science. You put some DNA into the hopper, usually about 6 or 7 pounds depending on what you want to make, dial-up what new  animal you want, flip the 440 electrical switch and stand back as out pops a new sheep or goat or in this case a new kind of horse. That’s the secret right there to this newest of new rodeo events. A Legless horse. They made a legless horse! Cool beans, right? Well to be accurate the horse isn’t totally legless, that wouldn’t work, those suckers are heavy, no, it’s just a horse with radically shortened legs. Like only 6-8 in. long not counting the hooves. Using a mix of DNA from Lipizzaner stock out of Austria, known for it’s jumping ability, some Percheron stock out of France for its wide back, some Black Forest Horse, also called the Black Forest cold blood or Schwarzwälder Kaltblut, because it’s the rarest horse in the world and the guys doing this had a lot of money, and last but not least some DNA from a few broomtails out of the west Texas hill country because there was some left in the bottom of the bucket from another experiment.

What they got was the Legless horse, the meanest, orneriest, most unforgiving bucking stock on practically no legs. Now boomer cowboys can march up to the chutes, park their walker next to the gate, sort of lean over the back and fall on. It’s like getting on a Roomba that eats hay. The chute door opens and they hang on for dear life as the horse wallows and pitches and jumps dizzyingly into the air, leaps are often as high as 6-8 inches before slamming back down to earth in a bone-jarring crash, twirls slowly, rears back and does its damnest to throw that octogenarian rider into the next county. As you can see in the image above it’s a wild ride. Dust is flying, the horse is trying to rear up, it’s rolling and leaping, the ride is terrifying. So much so that you can see the rider clutching one of the stanchions of the chute gate thinking to save his life. Disqualifying for sure, but better than dying. No score for him today.

There it is folks, Legless Bronco Busting, the newest most electrifying rodeo event to come down the road since *Horse Spinning. Watch the PRCA circuit for its inclusion in its next major rodeo and don’t be surprised if it becomes a world-wide sensation. I know I will be.

*http://www.bigshotsnow.com/horse-spinning/

Rumble In The Rockies

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Many of you are not clear on how things work here in the Rocky Mountains. Especially as it pertains to the changing of the seasons. You think it’s all just automatic. Some of it is but even so there’s science at work here. Big hairy important science. The kind they make television shows about. The most common misconception is that Winter and its attending snow and cold appear out of the North, invading us like the shock troops at the forefront of that cold weather blitzkrieg known as the Saskatchewan Screamer. Not so. We’ve been blaming our brothers to the North for our misery unnecessarily. Sorry, Canada. However that doesn’t let them completely off the hook. They deserve to be blamed for plenty else, Justin Bieber, to name just one thing, but not for Winter.

The real cause of Winter and this is substantiated if not like totally proven, with improbable theory, old husbands tales, Bigfoot followers, alien probing proponents, people who read those newspapers at the supermarket checkouts, Republicans, Democrats, movie producers, other people who should know better, and Eugene that guy who listens to talk radio 24 hrs. a day, is Snow Volcanoes. I will repeat that, Snow Volcanoes. I know, I know, a collective gasp of disbelief just went racing across the internet, but here is proof.

In the photo above you see the caldera of this awakening Snow Volcano as it spews cold misty clouds filled with moisture that will soon turn into snow. This is the beginning of many eruptions to come as we proceed into Winter.

But wait, you say, isn’t a volcano just a rupture on the crust of a planetary-mass object, such as the Earth, that allows hot lava, volcanic ash, and gases to escape from a magma chamber below the surface? Yes, yes, yes, it is but that’s a HOT volcano. We’re talking about COLD volcanoes. The ones you don’t know anything about, which is why we’re putting out this post. To inform you and bring you up to speed on the latest scientific stuff.

You all know about the freeze-thaw thing that happens, such as when you leave a bottle of beer out on the picnic table overnight when it’s really cold out and the next morning after you’re done heaving your lasagna into the porcelain cistern and you remember you left that beer outside and you rush out to drink it thinking it will make you feel better and you find that freeze-thaw thing has been at work. The frozen beer has been warmed by the sun and expanded, forcing its way out of the bottle, shattering it in the process, as the ice and cold try to escape from its confinement. Well that’s how a cold volcano works.

Underneath the mountain range is a pool of really cold material known as uhm, I’m not sure, but it’s cold, take my word for it. The caldera is bowl-shaped, just perfect for focusing the rays of the sun into its center where the super-energized sunshine, what is known in scientific circles as heat, makes it way down the chimney towards the pool of that super but unnamed cold stuff. As the summer progresses and it gets hotter, so does that concentrated heat that is racing down to meet the cold material. Nature, loving to blow crap up can hardly wait to see what happens as the pressure builds and builds until it is say, November 18th and then, back up, Loretta, it’s going to blow. The pent-up cold and snow seeing its opportunity to escape its confinement races up the chimney and sends a plume of snow and cold miles into the atmosphere. As it falls and lands on your house you are receiving the fulmination of the Snow Volcano. This continues until you are butt deep in fulminations.

That is the eruption, and it doesn’t just happen once. It happens over and over, all winter long until you just can’t… well you know, you’ve been through it before. This then is the beginning of winter and its cause isn’t Canada but Snow Volcanoes. Now you know why and how it happens and that makes dealing with it easier. If you have any questions or concerns about this process feel free to contact us using the concerned and confused email address provided on the site. Thanks and remember, Winter is just around the corner.

Cool Solutions

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There have been reports trickling into the Institute regarding heat and excessive amounts of it appearing over much of the continental US and affecting our naturally born citizens by causing them to feel hot. To many this is an uncomfortable feeling. The general question on everyone’s mind is ‘Why isn’t somebody doing something about this? The second question is ‘How come nobody’s doing anything about this?’ The third question is ‘Damn it I pay taxes, Why am I hot? Well, where IS the relief? Who IS doing anything about it? These are questions just begging for answers. Where are our elected officials now I ask you when there’s hot topics afoot. They’re in their air-conditioned lounges deep in the bowels of the earth under the house of Representatives building at a cool 64 degrees watching skiing movies and drinking mimosa’s with those little umbrellas in them, that’s where.

Feeling let down by those in charge? Looking for answers in all the wrong places? Well unlike some governments we could name we’re here to help. That’s right the folks at the Institute have stepped up and assumed responsibility for bringing you, our readers, some much-needed help and advice to solve this problem and bring you that needed relief. Many of you were unaware that the Institute for Regained Knowledge, or IRK, has a department full of heavy thinkers. They’re not only large, they think a lot. They’re known locally only as “The Thinkers” and work in our ‘Think Tank’, not to be confused with our ‘Drunk Tank’ located just down the hall, preferring to shy away from the lime light and remain anonymous. They do this because in case any of this BullPucky they spout backfires on them and gets them in jail, I mean, they get their accolades from doing their best to come up with original ideas and provide service to the community.

They have identified the problem by breaking it down, analyzing it and providing a working solution that anyone could implement in the safety of their own homes using the barest minimum of expensive equipment which luckily is available here at IRK for a modestly inflated price payable only by cashiers check or cash, we don’t take checks or credit cards and sent to you without a return address.

Here it is then. The Problem: Heat is hot. This makes you sweat and others to stand up wind from you. It can also cause you to collapse in a heap making you an obstacle and an impediment to traffic. Analysis of Problem: Reduce heat’s effect on the individual. Possible solutions: Lock them in large cold storage containers. Impractical, hard to trick more than a few of them when they see what’s going on. They scatter and become hard to catch. Everyone gets issued those suits that deep-sea divers wear that circulate water through the suit to heat or cool the individual. Impractical. Hoses needed to run suits restrict ones ability to commute. Productivity would suffer, markets would crash, hoses produce tripping hazard. Also could not tell friend from foe as everyone looks alike.

Then one of our most genius of big thinkers came up with a scientifically based solution that is so simple you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it your self, you big dummy. Heat is a function of height. The lower you are the hotter it is. If you’re really short you’re going to be a lot hotter than say, Wilt the Stilt will be. He’s like nine feet tall. If you look at a map you will see that every place that is red is hot and every place that is blue is cold. Mountains which have a lot more height than plains are blue so they’re colder. An example of a mountain top is shown above in case you are unfamiliar with them. These happen to be in Rocky Mountain National Park but they can be found in other places also. So reasoning would tell you that you should go to the mountain tops and you’d be cooler. Except if you’ve ever looked at a mountain top close-up you’ll notice there’s not a lot of room up there. ( See Image above ) You’re only going to be able to fit like four to six people on each mountain top. That’s not enough. But here’s where the beauty part comes in. Science. Science says you don’t have to go to a mountain top to get cool. You just have to go up. That’s the simple part. Just go up. How, do you say? Airplanes are expensive, balloons are unreliable but there is one sure-fire way to do it. Trampolines. Big fat enormous trampolines. Get your municipalities together and construct dozens of huge trampolines in the outlying areas of your community and gather closely those you can trust to keep the rhythm going and start to jump. Everyone hangs on to everyone else so you can all jump in unison and if the group is large enough you will gain heights you never imagined. Even modest gains in height will produce a cooling effect. Our experts here at the Institute figure that you can obtain enormous cooling benefits with as little as seven to eight hundred feet gain in elevation. More and you’ll need a jacket. The cost analysis breakdown proves conclusively that you can construct a suitable trampoline for much less that it would take to fly everyone to the mountains, rent guides, buy freeze-dried food etc. Think of it. Relief in moments from the wretched heat and even figuring in the travel time up and down on the trampoline you’ll still be reaching that rarefied, cool, clear air in less time than you can make it through security and you won’t have to deal with those fascist, I mean special individuals from the TSA. The ones that have vowed to make your travel experience a truly unique and special time.

There it is then, a simple, clean, non-polluting solution to a grave problem that will have you finding relief as fast as you can say “Wait, let go of me, I don’t think this is a good idea…” and it didn’t cost you a dime. This entire process that has been carried out by the Do-Gooding folks here at the institute is just one more service we provide to our fellow-man. You can thank us when you’re cooler.