As many of you know *The Institute works closely with the Fish and Game departments of the various states here in America and elsewhere, as well as other Government agencies such as the Minerals Management services, the U.S. board of Geological Names, The Government Office of Procurements and Waste Disposal, the NSA, The Office in Charge of Telling People Important Stuff, The Department of Defense, The Office of Watching Movies to Find and Censor the Dirty Parts, The Office of Maritime Hijinks, The FBI, NCIS, The Mod Squad, The Government Office of Officially Forgiving People for Minor Offenses if They Weren’t Too Bad to Begin With, and the National Hikers Advisory Committee to name just a few.

It’s this last one, The National Hikers Advisory Committee, that we have been dealing with mostly these last few months. As you might have heard it can be very dangerous hiking in our National, State and International forests. So we are putting out our annual Hikers Advisory. The image above is a perfect example of some of the dangers the unwary hiker faces in the woods. As you can see there are fallen trees everywhere and they can pose a problem for those who aren’t smart or agile enough to pick up their feet when they’re hiking. Tripping hazards are rampant and there is always the risk of catching a sleeve on one of those sharp-tipped branches sticking out all over the place and ripping that new down jacket. Those puppies are expensive and you could be faced with huge repair bills or the humiliation of repairing them with duct tape which would indicate you can’t afford to get it repaired professionally. Either way it spells loser.

Also the forest is filled completely with trees and they all look alike. It is very easy to look around and get all over dizzy of a sudden and not know where you are. This leads to being lost and that leads to expensive search and rescue missions to find you and by then you are tired and thirsty and all out of sorts. You’ve had the same underwear on for eleven days and you’ve missed Jerry Springer. Todays show was on Lesbian Midgets Who Love Jane Fonda But Cheat with Male Strippers, Then Lie About It, (not that there is anything wrong with Lesbians, even really short ones) and you forgot to set your DVR.

There are birds that will sit and wait for you to enter the forest, then make alluring bird calls so you look up trying to find them and wrap your snoz around one of those trees the woods are full of that we mentioned earlier, and you’ll probably bust your Ray-Bans or get a nasty lump on your forehead. Our friend did that and got a lump on her forehead the size of a toaster. If that happens many times your baseball cap won’t fit anymore and that leaves your head and shoulders completely unprotected from the elements or worse.

There are plenty of dangers like this out in the woods and we have touched on just the most important ones. There’s more that you’ll probably find on your own or they’ll find you, so we won’t bother you with the minor stuff. We just wanted to cover the big ones. Our advice to you regarding hiking in the Woods is just don’t do it. Go to the mall instead, get a hamburger and a supersized jug of pop. Leave the hiking to those who are familiar with the woods and can recognize its dangers, or better yet to the people you don’t like. Send them out on a hiking trip. Tell them it’ll do them good and then make up some excuse why you can’t go along. That’s our advice and we hope you take it to heart. As always we here at The Institute want you to be safe, not sorry. Watch for further bulletins as we work diligently to protect you and yours from the ever-present dangers of the world. Remember, Be Careful out there.

P.S. We forgot ticks. There’s ticks out in those woods and if you think vampires are bad you haven’t been covered in hundreds of ticks just bloating up, sucking up your blood, giggling to each other as they drain you dry. They will get on you even if you haven’t done anything wrong and then bite you. The only way to get them off you is hold a lighted match up their rear ends until they fall off. Of course that is dangerous in this dry climate we’re experiencing. The Forestry department, a division of the USDA hates it when you drop burning ticks all over the forest floor and they will cite you if they find out about it. It’s better to avoid ticks whenever possible. OK then, Just saying.

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