Tag Archives: National Park Service

Upward Facing Bull

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Yoga in Yellowstone – Bull elk in velvet

It’s Spring again and everything has been just as crazy up in Yellowstone National Park as it has been down here what with the threat of various virus’s and other problems such as layoff’s, furloughing, high unemployment amongst the animals that are the heart of Yellowstone. It has been a troublesome Spring. Every year when it gets close to the park reopening the National Park Service instructs the Federal Fish and Wildlife department to inventory, catalog, determine specie fitness and check each animal prior to opening the park for this years visitors. The animals need to ready for the long days of being on display and performing whatever their particulars species activities require.

As you might imagine this is a very large undertaking due to the size of the wildlife population that normally resides in the park. Just inventorying the Yellow-rumped warblers takes forever and they’re only one species out of 300 that call the park home. The initial groups brought in for re-indoctrination of park guidelines and requirements are of course, those species that are large enough to be problematic regarding interaction with the tourists, who as you would expect, have paid a large sum of money to view the wildlife and be entertained. They have high expectations due to being cooped up for the last several months with nothing to do but watch Nature programs on TV. Fortunately there are activities that the largest animals can participate in, such as Buffalo Soccer which is perfectly suited to the buffalos mentality and physique, and is a huge favorite of the foreign visitors to the park. You can expect to hear Gooooooal ! all thru the Hayden valley once the games start.

Other large animals that can require management due to their propensity for violence and misbehavior are the hooved ungulates, such as the Rocky Mountain Elk, who have a huge representation in the park. Mostly they are not considered to be a problem early on as they just eat and grow antlers until Fall approaches. Then they shed their antlers and begin to get all chesty as the “Rut” gets nearer. That’s where they get to choose as many cows as they can get their hooves on. Then it’s “Katy Bar the door!” as all hell breaks loose when these big boys battle to decide who the bull duck in the pond is going to be and who gets to keep all those cows they claimed. When this is happening no one can get near them without something terrible happening, as these 1200 lbs. love buckets care for only one thing and that is mating. The last thing on their minds is being sociable with tourists regardless of what those folks saw on TV. These animals are not here to be your new best friends.

To try and keep the damage down to a manageable level the Fish and Game department is trying something new this year. Yoga. One of the senior officials in the department was informed by his wife that Yoga is good for managing stress and anxiety, something these bulls have plenty of as they wait for the velvet to fall off their antlers, so why don’t you try Yoga to see if it doesn’t do the trick for settling these boys down. There have been several articles in Cosmo, Elle and Vogue that stated this was the new best thing to do and since this dialogue took place over a pitcher of Margaritas, there you have it. Yoga in the park and attendance is mandatory. The young fellow above is in his new favorite pose, Upward Facing Bull and as you can see by the sheer bliss settling over his face it appears to be working. Lets’ see how this all holds up in September when the Rut is starting. They may have to give Cosmos a call and get a retraction.

Blues and Purples and Greens

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Blues7412

OK, you know it is July right, and we’re heading into August, not typically your coolest month of the year. Some people say it is unseasonably warm even if it is summer. That’s the kind of understatement that makes it very clear we were once a British colony. It’s kind of like saying that Donald Trump is somewhat opinionated. We for one are comforted by our governments pronouncement that there is no such thing as Global warming, as otherwise this heat might cause us to despair.

Given all that we are still freaking hot. Even up here where The Institutes main headquarters are located, halfway to the sky amid the cooling breezes of the upper stratosphere, one feels like a guppy placed out on the blacktop to wait while your bowl is being scrubbed out. We feel like we could be quite sharp with whomever it is that schedules summer heat.

It is not unusual then that we turn our thoughts to cooler places. Not places like the Arctic, which as you know is melting away, and you have to use sunscreen to be safe out on the ice. What is wrong with a world where you have to put sunscreen on so you don’t sunburn to death while you’re standing on an ice shelf. That’s sort of a rhetorical question so no answer is expected as it is too ridiculous to contemplate anyway.

We’re thinking of places that aren’t so ludicrous. Places where you can walk into the cool shadows of giant cedar trees, where the deep spaces are filled with emerald green moss, and water drips quietly down the face of deep purple walls to splash into tiny pools of cobalt blue water.  A place where the silence is barely broken by a bird call or the slight rustle of branches swaying high above you. A place like this.

As you come down off the Going To The Sun highway on the western side, there is a hidden trail that leads into old growth cedar trees called the Trail of The Cedars. It is a wooden walkway elevated above the forest floor, with twists and turns and places to stand and look at incredible views that surely Tolkien must have used to create Lothlorien, the land of the Silvan elves. One of those places is located at an abrupt turn of the trail where you cross over a wooden bridge and can peer down into this hidden grotto.

The feeling of the cool moist air that floats out of the grotto to envelope you in its delightful mist is an experience that is as profound as is it is enjoyable. It is so enjoyable in fact, that we here at The Institute are in delicate negotiations with the National Park Service to move this grotto and its stream to The Institute grounds where we can keep it safe from any natural or manmade disaster. We do this with no thought of personal gain or benefit, but simply as a service to the American people. So far they have been tough negotiators but we are nothing if not persistent so our hopes are high at this time.

You too can visit this place if you are pure of heart and don’t throw anything in the pool, because if you do you are immediately transported to Death Valley in your skivvies. With no sunscreen. Rocks melt in Death Valley. Be warned. Just go to Glacier National Park and look for the small sign that says “Trail of The Cedars”. Be prepared to be stunned. Most people aren’t used to this much beauty in one place.

Color Dump

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Any one who has been to Bryce National Park can tell you about the incredible colors available to the viewing public. It’s as if every color that has ever been thought of has been used here just to impress the viewer. It would take years just to identify the shades of red used, not to mention the purples and magentas and blues and on and on and on. This random appearing vista known as Bryce National Park isn’t just left to nature to construct, this is a carefully choreographed production by many, many people who work in the color trades.

It takes a tremendous amount of effort to keep a place like Bryce looking fresh and vibrant all the time. We here at the Institute commend the National Park service for spending the time and money to keep a full staff of colorist’s working to constantly present to you, the American public, new and updated views of your national parks. It’s not easy creating the new looks the public demands, many of which are driven by the constant barrage of photos and articles in the trendy fashion magazines available now. The constant need to change and create the new looks the public demands from their national parks are powered by the advertising combines that fuel the publics’ demand for new fresh colors and textures. And that effort doesn’t even include the maintenance required in a place that has constant erosion problems from wind and rain, freeze and thaw that are a constant force here in the park. The repairs alone take a crew of seven just to keep the colors that have fallen off the rock spires swept up and carefully disposed of.

Yes it is a huge expense to keep the constant repairs and upkeep and the semi-annual color change that takes place each year up to the standards we’ve come to expect. The expense of creating and applying a new color in a national park is absolutely huge and quite frankly in the present economy not sustainable. Which is why the park has had to resort to repurposing materials that normally would be disposed of or sent to another park in a complex color exchange program. There have been cutbacks and re-budgeting that have cost the jobs of at least one colorist and two of the maintenance people that we know of and who knows what the future holds. It’s possible that if these reductions in budget continue we may be forced to resort to leaving this entire process in Mother Nature’s hands, and that is a terrifying prospect.

On a recent trip our staff photographer found some unsettling evidence of some of these new programs already in place. The image above, which was obtained under very dangerous conditions, our photographer had to walk down a hill and look behind some big rocks to be able to get a photo of this carefully hidden away site that clearly shows a color dump in use as a storage facility. It seems the material will be used to replace some of the other colors instead of manufacturing the new colors that were scheduled to be applied. We have learned that this has caused massive layoffs in not only the color manufacturing sector but in related industries as well, such as trucking, scaffolding building and erection, color application tools and devices, the list goes on. And this was only one site! Apparently there are dozens of these sites scattered around in the back areas of the park that are off-limits to the general public.

The end result of course, is that you the American public will not get to see the newest most carefully designed color schemes when you make your next visit to Bryce National park. Instead you will see the same somewhat tired, but tried and true, colors that have been used for ages, although admittedly they are perfectly adequate and the average tourist will notice little or no change but we know what the difference is. So if you want to see the latest colors displayed you better hurry and see them now, they’re already a season old and it looks like they won’t be replenished this year or for many years to come. You better jump in the old microbus and head to Bryce before Mother Nature has her way and you’re stuck with seeing the old colors for ever. P.S. bring your camera it’s still pretty.

Moab’s Secret Shame

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For Immediate Release

All Major Wire services; Print Media: On Air News services

Secret Government Rock Depository found in Southwest United States. National Park Service stockpiling incredible amounts of Native Sandstone rock formations. Acres of unused stone and rock carelessly piled in heaps out in the open, exposed to weather and other climatic conditions. Nations treasures at risk. Some stockpiles appear to have been in this conditions for months if not years. Officials refuse to comment. It is unknown how much deterioration of these resources have occurred but some groupings appear to have sustained weathering and damage because of their unprotected status. Shards of stone have been found around the bases of these gentle giants where it has simply flaked off due to neglect.  A National shame, and another American tragedy. Details follow.

We have found that near a small town called Moab in an un-named state there are thousands upon thousands of acres of unused rocks, rock formations, stones, some bushes, a hill and other natural stuff just sitting there in disarray. All of this hidden behind the innocent appearing name of “Arches National Park”, as if it were a legitimate place where you could go and even take your family to see honest stone and rock formations in their natural setting. It appears to have been carefully inventoried and cataloged and in some cases the identity of the various features are on small wooden signs still sitting in plain sight. Ancient and valuable arches are just left willy-nilly about the landscape where anything might befall them. Our researchers slash investigators have found huge holes in the earth where it appears rock formations of an undetermined nature have simply been spirited away, gone forever it seems. But where to? who knows. That’s what we’re trying to determine with this investigation.

One of our crack investigators spoke to a local resident under the promise of anonymity and because he wouldn’t give us his name no matter how much we threatened him, who spoke of mysterious trucks coming and going in the middle of the night driving without lights, and leaving with giant loads under tarps that literally left dents in the road. The tarps didn’t leave dents in the road, that would be dumb, the trucks left the dents in the road. The locals believe that rock formations, especially arches, are being systematically plundered and moved from here, to there. Where ‘there’ might be we’ll see in a moment.

Some of these informers, who we found later to be conspirator-esses, or conspirator-able, so we can’t fully stand behind their statements, believe that many of these formations, arches in particular, are bound for China and also the Far East. If so, what a calamity. What a travesty, our nations incredible, invaluable treasures being traded for t-shirts and flip-flops and cheap metal lawn furniture, I mean, Holy Cow. Wouldn’t that just frost you. But remember before you jump the gun and go all Rambo about this, remember, we can’t prove it. Yet.

On a more plausible note however one of our researchers whom we have a lot of respect for and trust in and kind of like actually, she being cute and friendly and sociable, with long dark hair and big eyes and likes long walks on the beach holdings hands , the Grateful Dead etc., visited another well-known American site called Natural Bridges and swears that there are now new bridges (also known as Arches) in place that she doesn’t remember seeing there before. So what do we  have here? What do we know? Arches are apparently missing from the storage site; new bridges, that we know now are also called arches, are supposedly being seen in another park miles away that weren’t there before. Is the National Park service removing these formations from this storage site, relabeling them and using them in some nefarious plan to enhance other National Parks for some type of financial gain? If So, where is the money going. Money coming ,we presume, from gullible, mis-guided tourists both foreign and domestic, paying fees to enter these augmented parks believing they’re seeing nature in its natural state, when it’s really not, because they’ve been fooled by an uncaring, money-grubbing, greedy government. That’s what we’d like to know. That’s the shame. It doesn’t take a mental midget to come up with the fact that 2 + 2 = hanky-panky. More on the hanky panky-ness of this to come in our next installment of this unbelievable story.

Our team of researchers slash investigators under go an extensive training and certification program here at the Institute and do not go out into the field until we’re certain they have been trained properly and can find their way home again. Every single one of our operatives have had instruction on how to use a cell phone, what roaming means, know where and how their GPS works, how to locate secret sources of information that might be titillating and get them on record, find and recognize gas stations and locate the button that opens the little door where you put the gas in, trick high-ranking officials into making incredibly stupid remarks and then taping them so they can’t weasel out of it later, that’s my personal favorite, and of course the proper and safe steps to take when they can not locate a restroom.

We have the utmost regard for our people and their training and don ‘t have the slightest apprehension nor qualms about sending them into harms way. Our training techniques have been pilfered from all the top-notch intelligence services in the world simply by Googling anything we want to know. That’s how we found top-secret info and incorporated it into our training program. Facts like, if you’re lost in the desert you should drink lots of water, and wear a hat. Also make great big signs out of white rocks that say “Lost. Help. Will work for Rescue,” etc. Training like that can save lives. Revealing more might put the lives of our agents at risk by disclosing too much of that kind of secret stuff. You know, we abide by that old WWll slogan “Loose Lips Make Flappy Sounds in the Wind”. One small slip of the tongue might cause the loss of an agent, but if you have a desire to know more about our clandestine methods just Google whatever pops into your head and an answer will appear. It works for us.

Well there you have it readers, another exclusive expose brought to you by our diligent, but crack investigative team here at IRK, where the normal is just a little different, bringing you news you don’t get elsewhere. Watch for updates on this shocking, shameful development. I know I will.