Tag Archives: Lamar valley

The Yellowstone Zephyr

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It’s 3:17 in the afternoon at the pull out close to the northeastern end of the Lamar valley and everyone is in place waiting for the daily arrival of the Yellowstone Zephyr. Just like the trainspotters of days gone by who would wait at their favorite vantage point to see the Wabash Cannonball zoom by, smoke belching from its magnificent smokestack, cinders flying, huge steel wheels spinning, their spokes a solid whirling gray mass in the center of the rims, its side rods a furious blur of impossible action, every part of it screaming noise and fury and action we wait for the arrival of the golden eagle named the Yellowstone Zephyr.

Off in the distance way down where the Lamar river makes the wide slow bend around that rocky point, over the beaver pond with its chewed trees and flat water there is a dark speck and some ones cries “There it is. It’s coming!” and everyone shades their eyes frantic to pick up its image. Cameras are readied and held up to eager eyes, fingers flying over last-minute settings. You only get a few scant seconds to take your shots as the Zephyr screams by. You hear the sound of wind rushing through its primaries and speeding across the top surface of its wings as it gets closer and louder until all you can hear is the whistling boiling sound of the turbulence behind it as it comes racing over the sage and rabbit brush. You struggle to keep it in your viewfinder and hope for the best as you fire off a burst of images hoping that one of them will be in focus and clear enough to use. Then it’s gone.

If you did your best and were prepared you might get one good shot for your time and effort. If you didn’t and missed the opportunity there’s always tomorrow. Be there, find a good spot to stand, have your camera set and your nerves in check and watch the countdown on your watch. When it  hits 3:17 be ready. Maybe today you’ll get  lucky and get that shot you’ve been dreaming of. But pay attention, the Yellowstone Zephyr waits for no one.

Yellowstone Diorama

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This idyllic scene of a herd of grazing buffalo in the Lamar valley is not what it seems. It is a specially constructed life-size model prepared by our master dioramaticians here at *The Institute. Many of our readers know that there are many divisions, departments, sections, areas, teams, worker bees and bee-ettes, programs, units, centers, groups, systems, agencies, bureaus, commissions, that make up The Institute. We even have an office just to keep track of all the different divisions, departments etc. where important work is done.

One of our lesser known departments is the bureau of Procurement, Construction and Installation of Dioramas or PCID as it’s known in the trade. It is there that we make the amazing dioramas that you see in many of our National Parks and other places where they don’t have adequate scenic areas for the public to view.

If a National Park or even a scenic-poor state such as Utah or parts of Arizona want to dress up their highway systems with dramatic views they will contact The Institute where we will develop a plan to add interest along some of their more desolate roads, thereby transforming those roads into revenue-producing Scenic Byways. The State or National Park then has the option of adding roadside stands, local entrepreneurs, and whatever local color they think might add interest.

Another use for our patented, modular, fade-resistant, weatherproof dioramas allows game-poor parks such as Yellowstone National Park to have animals in scenic environments on demand for those times when the live animals are not present or have been killed off by local residents around the park.

Our unique but uncanny ability to mimic local conditions, coupled with incredible taxidermy techniques allow our experts to create dioramas such as this Diorama of a buffalo herd along the roadside in the Lamar valley, that defy detection by anyone cruising by it at 45 – 60 mph. Plus our patented Extend-A-View ™ Dioramas let us create dioramas that can extend for several miles along an otherwise dull and boring road, keeping the occupants interested and thinking of lunch or possibly souvenirs of the amazing “Scenery” they are passing by. We can also supply a more complete package with our dioramas that include a complete line of scenery specific souvenirs, knock-down roadside stands, trained actors that can simulate the local culture and color, plus accessories such as a live horse that can be tied to the side of one of our retail units providing sure-fire traffic stopping appeal. Other animals available upon request.

No detail is spared when you order one of our complete dioramas. The diorama above, our deluxe Buffalo Extravaganza, includes approximately 1800 full size American Made, Plains or Mountain Buffalo, each with life-like glass eyes and true-to-life coloring, plus a large assortment of cottonwood trees all with drip tube watering systems, or if necessary due to budget constraints, these trees can be constructed of a special weather-resistant Paper Mache guaranteed for 3 years, and our own proprietary turf made of recycled tires.

Many of you have driven by our dioramas and didn’t realize it. Those of you who have visited Zion National Park and marveled at the Desert Bighorn sheep located near the tunnel at the east side of the park will be surprised to know that was our model “Desert Bighorns and Laser-etched Rock Formation #66903”. Or perhaps you have been to the Mt. Evans Scenic Byway in the Rocky mountains where you will have seen one of our largest installations, the “Mountain Goat and Craggy Scary Drop-off Cliff  installation,  #994216-a”. We provided all the natural looking gray boulders that litter the mountainside and installed close to 3000 life-like Mountain Goats and Bighorn Sheep all over the 14,000’+ mountain, some of them animatronic in nature to provide movement and interest for those hardy tourists wheezing by the side of the road.

We are currently working on a secret installation of a completely different nature than we have ever attempted before, for a not to be named city near Puget sound. The parameters so far are for us to provide a complete aquatic diorama that will include sea life such as ship-resistant whales and animatronic Orcas, or killer whales, that can do tricks such as flip baby seals into the air and catch them in their mouths, plus many other items too numerous to mention. Estimated date of installation will be early 2019.

The next time you’re on a vacation in Yellowstone and see some spectacular looking scenery look for the little brass plaques saying “This Scenery provided by The Institute” to the trees and other hard surfaces and give one of our buffalo a good rap in the side to see how life-like it feels. You’ll be surprised.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Note From Yellowstone

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For Immediate Release: Subject: The Rut : Special Interest: MMA fans : General Public

This just in from Yellowstone National Park. The Rut is still in full swing. The annual Battle of the Antlers can still be seen and heard throughout the park. There’s bellowing along the Madison, grunting and heaving in the Hayden valley, total chaos up at Mammoth as these big boys show their stuff.

This is no holds barred cage fighting without the cage. Shown here is Evvie Stepper, Evvie is short for Everett, a contestant from the upper Lamar valley Steppers, a herd well-known for producing big mean bulls. Here he is making a splash as he comes down to challenge any comers. Don’t call him Everett and don’t laugh when you say Evvie unless you’re wearing Kevlar.

So if you’ve been staying home because you thought things were over, think again. Jump in the car and come on up for a front row seat at any of the venues. Entrance fee good for all fights.

Close: For Total Distribution: TV and Cable: Good for Still Release : Subject Tie In: Elk; River; Nature; Good for all ratings

Yellowstone Passes Inspection

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Those of you who follow the blog religiously or even non-religiously, know that we have just been on our bi-annual inspection trip of Yellowstone National park. We let you know of our plans to inspect the park in this posting http://www.bigshotsnow.com/the-words-out/ . Well we’re back and we are excited to announce that Yellowstone has passed its inspection with flying colors.

As mentioned before we went up there this year with a new research vessel, aptly named The Mothership, a newly commissioned, completely overhauled and refitted land yacht, large enough and strong enough to be able to tow our shuttle craft and haul the nearly eight dozen interns we intended to use as bait animal aggressiveness testing investigators. We had decided on a new strategy this trip which included dressing our interns up in various animal costumes, to mimic small prey and injured or helpless larger animals such as an elk calf with a damaged leg, etc. to see if the predator population in the park would act in an appropriate manner or not.

We have good news and bad news as to the success of that strategy. The good news was the predators acted in a completely predictable way when confronted with our bait animal aggressiveness testing investigators. The bad news is it resulted in a complete loss of every single one of our interns. That’s a great big oops on our part. We were hoping that at least a few of them would make it through the different testing situations but that was not to be the case. However we are able to completely verify that a wolf will always be a wolf and a bear will always be a bear.

After completing the section on our report titled “Predator population still aggressive in its pursuit of prey” we were able to check that item off as a yes and get on with the rest of the inspection. This resulted in The Director, who is of course me, having to handle a much larger work load than originally considered. (Note to self: Consider holding back some of the interns in the next inspection this fall to do all of the crap work required.) But as one who leads from the front we sucked it up and got on with all the remaining tasks involved in completing an inspection of a facility as large as Yellowstone National Park.

There are many, many areas to be checked to complete this task and over the following days we will attempt to show you the various areas and critical events which must take place to keep the park functioning at the level expected by the visiting public. Are the young being born on time? Are the thermal events turned on and operating properly? Are the predators doing their jobs? Well we can cross that one off now. We know the answer to that one. Are there the proper number of smaller activities being performed, birds doing bird stuff, plants situated in the most scenic areas, large overviews of the park like snow being on the peaks in the Lamar valley, rivers running up to their banks but not over, all the usual stuff the public doesn’t notice until it’s not there.

We can state at this time that park is functioning exactly as required. Our first function check, the one we do right before we release the interns, is to see if the Buffalo, especially the bulls, are placed strategically throughout the park and in the proper numbers. As our inspection of the park always begins through the West entrance of the park along the Madison river, it is imperative that a master bull, one of the better looking more regal appearing ones, be stationed just past Seven mile bridge, in the first major meadow but not too far from the road, so it can fulfill its duty as the official icon of the park. We checked that one off as done.

Watch this space for further reports on your very favorite national park. Tomorrow should bring something interesting.

The Day The Color Stopped

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Running a national park is very expensive, like astronomically expensive, and Yellowstone is the most expensive of all our great parks to operate. It takes mammoth amounts of tax dollars every day just to keep the lights on. I’ve heard people say “Yeah, so what’s so expensive then. You got a main gate with some ticket booths, a couple of buildings scattered around and a few guys in ranger suits driving around in prius’s. I don’t get it.”

What these misguided folks don’t know is that there is more to running a park than ticket booths and prius’s and that deep in the wilderness off behind Virginia cascade, there is a huge complex that is the very heart of Yellowstone. You’ve seen these innocent appearing roads marked Service Road Do not Enter as you drive around the park. Where did you think they went? They all lead back to this complex discretely called Main Park Services. There are buildings above ground and buildings below ground that control every aspect of the park. It is a huge undertaking and responsibility.

There are huge pumping stations that power all the rivers in the park, from the slow-moving Madison to the raging torrent of Yellowstone falls. You didn’t think these rivers flowed by themselves did you. There are turbine barns that house giant fans that create the wind throughout the park. They are large enough to create the maelstrom of straight line winds that cause the massive blow downs of thousands of trees you see everywhere, yet gentle enough to keep the golden grass of the Lamar valley waving peacefully as you drive by.

There is a separate building that only houses the IT department for the park. Hundreds of backwoods nerds drink coffee by the boatload and keep the computers running so that everything looks normal for the millions of visitors that pass through the park yearly. They have a division that does nothing but make employee name tags 24 hours a day. They create the schedules that designate where all the wildlife in the park needs to be at a given time on a given day. Just keeping track of all the widgeons and Harlequin ducks takes a full-time employee. And that doesn’t even begin to explore HR and payroll.

One of the most important functions of this complex and one that keeps a team of full-time Engineers busy night and day is maintaining the system of Shock Absorbers that keep the park geologically stable and maintains its ability to dampen the effect of the near daily earthquakes that plague the park. Buried deep within the earth are a series of hydraulically manipulated cavities approximately 1 1/2 miles wide and 2 miles deep lined with a complex material woven out of Teflon, cobalt and spider silk that are filled with 10w-30 motor oil. These huge bladders occupy about 2/3’s of the cavity and when an earthquake occurs they have the ability to swell up and absorb the energy through compression. This keeps the surface of the park from the heaving that causes road and structure damage. This is a key system to operating the park safely and cannot under any circumstances go all wonky of a sudden.

Another system that is very important, not just for keeping the visitors of the park safe, but more for their emotional welfare is the C L T C system (Chroma, Luminosity, Tonality and Intensity).This is the heart of the parks color generating ability and is crucial in keeping the attendance level up in the park. No color no visitors. It’s as simple as that. People will put up with 6 point earthquakes, long lines at the restrooms, snafus in scheduling the wolf packs but screw with the color and that’s that. They’re gone.

Huge color projectors are running constantly generating all the hues you see as you travel through the park. The sunsets over the Firehole river where it meets the Madison, the burnt orange of the newly hatched buffalo calf, the flicker of blue as a Stellar Jay flits from one branch to another, all of these are as important to the visitors as the earthquake dampening system. Without the color all you have is a park that looks like a 1940’s B&W film of Czechoslovakia except with hills and grizzlies.

Which is why, when we had the day the color stopped, it was so catastrophic. It all started innocently enough. People were lined up at the overlooks at the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone taking in the massive array of colors as they gazed at the multi-hued canyon walls. The impossible blending of every color you can imagine in a symphony of never-ending harmony that stretched for as far as you could see. What they didn’t see was the little relay switch on the main color projector blow with a small quickly dispersing cloud of smoke. Which led to an insufficient amount of power getting to the main bulb which suddenly flickered and died. Without the input from the bulb the CLTC system began to fail and the overload took out the backup system and color began to drain out of the Grand Canyon of The Yellowstone.

This had never happened before and soon people’s’ worst nature came to the surface. There was pushing and shoving, and instances of someone nearly going over the edge as the crowd stampeded for their cars. Children were crying, their arms outstretched waiting for someone to pick them up in a safe embrace, but the lack of color had the crowd panicking. They had only one thought in their minds. They had paid 50 bucks to get in and there was nothing to see. Fortunately there were no fatalities but it was only dumb luck that prevented them.

Yes, it was a terrible day, the day the color stopped, but the selfless employees at the complex did what it took to rectify the situation. A new bulb was slapped in, the CLTC system was rebooted and the little relay switch was replaced. Within hours the situation was back to normal. Yes there were a few people who left and felt they had wasted their 50 bucks, but those who had faith in the system were rewarded for their patience and loyalty with an extraordinary display of the colors of the Canyon that only a new bulb in the projector could provide.

We have provided an image from that fateful moment as the color began to drain out of canyon and you can see how depressing and mood altering this was for the spectators. It wasn’t long after this image was taken that the color completed drained out and flowed down the river lost forever. We have images of that too, but cannot in good consciousness show them to you.

The next time you visit Yellowstone National park and you feel the ground shake slightly, or see the rivers running freely, or notice the incredible beauty that color lends to the scenery you might think of that hidden complex called the Main Park Services and be thankful that the park is up and running as usual. I know I do.

A Little Open Space

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Some of you around the country have been thinking of writing in to complain about the weather and how you’ve been feeling confined and when’s it going to stop, etc., like I would know, and I sense your frustration. And as one of our great, but impeached, political leaders once said, “I feel your pain.”

Consequentially I have chosen to give you a little open space this morning. I know a lot of you have been cooped up and can’t get out doors to do the simplest things, like dump your litter box, or see if you can find your car under all that snow, or get away from that significant other who has been singing “The Spirit of New Orleans” for the last three days. It seems like a little relief is needed.

So OK then, rather than look for the shells for the 12 gauge, take a moment and reflect on this image of the north end of the Lamar valley looking up at Barronette Peak. Take a deep breath and smell the clean cool air of an early fall afternoon. The sun still has some warmth left and it feels good on your back. The grass, though yellowed and dry for the most part, still has enough life in it that the grazers can graze, and way off down there, past the drainage of Soda Butte creek, a small group of buffalo are settling in.

You have the whole place to yourself today because it’s too far North for the tourist busses to come and everyone else is down in the Hayden or over at Swan Lake flats looking for grizzlies before they head uphill for the winter. The grizzlies not the tourists. The tourists will be heading back to the Holiday Inn in West Yellowstone before it gets dark and scary out here.

If you wanted too, you could take off and just walk straight towards the mountains as long as you wanted to, just remember you have to walk back, so maybe just sitting on the boulder there and finishing off your thermos would be enough.

Well we all know that this isn’t as good as the real thing but hey, it’s better than listening to you know who sing. And as long as we’re on that subject, after you’ve had your fill of whatever serenity you can muster from viewing this special part of Yellowstone National Park, why don’t you go and tell you know who that you’ll let him out of the basement if he promises to stop singing. Maybe even show him this picture and fix him a nice hot cup of tea, and if that doesn’t work the shells for the shotgun are on the top shelf in the hall closet behind the Christmas decorations. Good luck.

Get Your Mind Right, Luke

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It’s Friday again and you’re sitting there after a long week contemplating the weekend, waiting for the day to be over, when by all rights you should still be working your keester off.  After all the boss is paying you until the end of the day. Just like Luke you’re stuck in a place where your time is filled up with moving dirt out of the Captains ditch and filling it back up again because you can’t have dirt laying all over the Captains ground.

Luke was only supposed to do two years for cutting the heads off the towns parking meters but ultimately did life, or death, depending on your viewpoint, because he couldn’t get his mind right. How long are you in for?

What we have here is not a failure to communicate, what we have, is a lack of ability to change your state of mind. To change your state of mind you need to change your point of view. And that ‘s where we can help. If you’re feeling like Luke, don’t go over the fence. Look instead at the image above and think what it would be like to be there, standing alone on a hilltop watching the storm come racing in over the foothills, feeling the wind streaming by pushing the smell of rain before it, hearing the distant thunder and watching the scene before you transform from calm to Nature’s high drama. That ought to get you through ’til days end. If not you got to get your mind right, boy, or you’ll spend a night in the box.

The movie was Cool Hand Luke, a 1967 release with Paul Newman as Cool Hand Luke, Strother Martin as the Captain, and George Kennedy as Dragline. And Oh Yeah, Joy Harmon ran the carwash. The image is from Yellowstone National Park and is a view of a huge storm roaring through the Lamar valley. Both were very cool.