Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

*The Institute is proud to present our very own Exclusive Item for the Holidays the

Animatronic Holiday Drummer !!!

This life-like weather-proof animatronic drummer will be the hit of the holiday season when you place it at your front door to announce your visitors arrival. Sensors buried in the street, your front walk, on your mailbox post and other landmarks available, up to a third of a mile away will trigger the Animatronic Drummer’s greeting. Your personal drummer is programmed to play Christmas favorites such as “Silent Night”, “Little Drummer Person”, “Hey Santa, Whatcha Got For Me, babe”, and many others all played with a resounding beat that carries for blocks. Your neighbors will enjoy this holiday surprise along with you to make the festivities even merrier.

Constructed from space age materials and covered with our own exclusive ‘ACCU_SKIN’ this animatronic joy is guaranteed to last for many seasons to come. Powered by 1100 D cell batteries cunningly hidden inside the authentic looking drum, it will play for hours before batteries need to be replaced. (batteries not included).

True to life animation, eyes glow intensely during performance, eye colors available; camo, blue, brown, green and hazel, clothing may be changed for seasonal appearances, Cherry blossom festival attire shown, see additional choices below. Kevlar drum head, Drum sticks manufactured from humanely harvested, sustainable forests in Sustainableland, proper documentation available. As an added bonus, voice greeting may be played as visitors approach, “Howdy Stranger! Whadja Bring Me?” is preloaded but many additional phrases available at a small extra charge.

Animatronic Holiday Drummer $ 12,000.00 

Availability: In Stock order by November 1st to guarantee Christmas delivery

Shipped unassembled, Constructed with our exclusive patented  “Easy Make” system. Quickly goes together in a few hours using common household tools. Manual included **; assembler must be able to read Mandarin. The Institutes own “BabbleClear” translation available for small extra charge. Made in China.

Available songs: Night Train, Trailers for Sale or Rent, In A Godda Da Vida, Pachelbel’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, It Rained The Day My Ma Got Out of Prison, anything by Ray Charles, Olatunji’s Songs of Africa, Sakura Cherry blossom Song, Theme from Mickey Mouse Club, Hey Santa, Whatcha Got For Me, babe, The Greatest Hits of Buddy Rich, A Lion Sleeps Tonight, and The Westminster Chimes. Other songs available for small extra charge, allow 12-16 weeks for programming.

Available Outfits: Change often to add to the current holiday theme: Christmas Elf, Pilgrim, The Great Pumpkin, French Maid, Green Bay Packers Cheerleader, Nurse, Haughty but Available Corporate CEO, TV Weather Girl, TV Weather Boy, IRS Tax Auditor, Hippie, Hooters Shift Manager, and Roller Derby Queen. Other outfits available for small extra charge. All clothing manufactured from Flame Retardant, Ripstop Nylon in an ethical third world country by workers guaranteed to be 7 years old or older in a semi-smoke-free environment.

Shipping: Item shipped using all methods available USPS, Fed-Ex, Mark’s Bully Boy Scooter Service, Lufthansa Air Freight, Garden Jimmie’s Café and package forwarding service, (this service not available in Alabama, Northern Wisconsin or any red state) InstaCart Grocery Delivery and Package handling, or Greyhound Package Express for a small extra charge. The 31 parcels that make up this shipment may be shipped by any or all of these services at the same time. In order to keep freight charges down to a reasonable limit each of the 31 packages have been limited to 80 lbs. or less. Please make certain all packages have arrived before attempting construction of your life-like weather-proof animatronic drummer to avoid confusion. Next day delivery available at a small extra charge.

** Addendum. Sample page from Assembly manual: Small tool used to eye insertion make gleeful yet happy left out from kit contains tools helpful to plastic bag within. Please to use melon baller or lightly applied teaspoon as correctable substitute greasily as also lard if substitute to switch merrily colored eyes necessary perhaps. Note: Mandarin translation made possible by The Institutes own patented but trademarked encrypted algorithm to make possible reading in English. Entire translated manual from Mandarin to English available using “BabbleClear“ for small extra charge.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.