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There have been reports trickling into the Institute regarding heat and excessive amounts of it appearing over much of the continental US and affecting our naturally born citizens by causing them to feel hot. To many this is an uncomfortable feeling. The general question on everyone’s mind is ‘Why isn’t somebody doing something about this? The second question is ‘How come nobody’s doing anything about this?’ The third question is ‘Damn it I pay taxes, Why am I hot? Well, where IS the relief? Who IS doing anything about it? These are questions just begging for answers. Where are our elected officials now I ask you when there’s hot topics afoot. They’re in their air-conditioned lounges deep in the bowels of the earth under the house of Representatives building at a cool 64 degrees watching skiing movies and drinking mimosa’s with those little umbrellas in them, that’s where.

Feeling let down by those in charge? Looking for answers in all the wrong places? Well unlike some governments we could name we’re here to help. That’s right the folks at the Institute have stepped up and assumed responsibility for bringing you, our readers, some much-needed help and advice to solve this problem and bring you that needed relief. Many of you were unaware that the Institute for Regained Knowledge, or IRK, has a department full of heavy thinkers. They’re not only large, they think a lot. They’re known locally only as “The Thinkers” and work in our ‘Think Tank’, not to be confused with our ‘Drunk Tank’ located just down the hall, preferring to shy away from the lime light and remain anonymous. They do this because in case any of this BullPucky they spout backfires on them and gets them in jail, I mean, they get their accolades from doing their best to come up with original ideas and provide service to the community.

They have identified the problem by breaking it down, analyzing it and providing a working solution that anyone could implement in the safety of their own homes using the barest minimum of expensive equipment which luckily is available here at IRK for a modestly inflated price payable only by cashiers check or cash, we don’t take checks or credit cards and sent to you without a return address.

Here it is then. The Problem: Heat is hot. This makes you sweat and others to stand up wind from you. It can also cause you to collapse in a heap making you an obstacle and an impediment to traffic. Analysis of Problem: Reduce heat’s effect on the individual. Possible solutions: Lock them in large cold storage containers. Impractical, hard to trick more than a few of them when they see what’s going on. They scatter and become hard to catch. Everyone gets issued those suits that deep-sea divers wear that circulate water through the suit to heat or cool the individual. Impractical. Hoses needed to run suits restrict ones ability to commute. Productivity would suffer, markets would crash, hoses produce tripping hazard. Also could not tell friend from foe as everyone looks alike.

Then one of our most genius of big thinkers came up with a scientifically based solution that is so simple you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it your self, you big dummy. Heat is a function of height. The lower you are the hotter it is. If you’re really short you’re going to be a lot hotter than say, Wilt the Stilt will be. He’s like nine feet tall. If you look at a map you will see that every place that is red is hot and every place that is blue is cold. Mountains which have a lot more height than plains are blue so they’re colder. An example of a mountain top is shown above in case you are unfamiliar with them. These happen to be in Rocky Mountain National Park but they can be found in other places also. So reasoning would tell you that you should go to the mountain tops and you’d be cooler. Except if you’ve ever looked at a mountain top close-up you’ll notice there’s not a lot of room up there. ( See Image above ) You’re only going to be able to fit like four to six people on each mountain top. That’s not enough. But here’s where the beauty part comes in. Science. Science says you don’t have to go to a mountain top to get cool. You just have to go up. That’s the simple part. Just go up. How, do you say? Airplanes are expensive, balloons are unreliable but there is one sure-fire way to do it. Trampolines. Big fat enormous trampolines. Get your municipalities together and construct dozens of huge trampolines in the outlying areas of your community and gather closely those you can trust to keep the rhythm going and start to jump. Everyone hangs on to everyone else so you can all jump in unison and if the group is large enough you will gain heights you never imagined. Even modest gains in height will produce a cooling effect. Our experts here at the Institute figure that you can obtain enormous cooling benefits with as little as seven to eight hundred feet gain in elevation. More and you’ll need a jacket. The cost analysis breakdown proves conclusively that you can construct a suitable trampoline for much less that it would take to fly everyone to the mountains, rent guides, buy freeze-dried food etc. Think of it. Relief in moments from the wretched heat and even figuring in the travel time up and down on the trampoline you’ll still be reaching that rarefied, cool, clear air in less time than you can make it through security and you won’t have to deal with those fascist, I mean special individuals from the TSA. The ones that have vowed to make your travel experience a truly unique and special time.

There it is then, a simple, clean, non-polluting solution to a grave problem that will have you finding relief as fast as you can say “Wait, let go of me, I don’t think this is a good idea…” and it didn’t cost you a dime. This entire process that has been carried out by the Do-Gooding folks here at the institute is just one more service we provide to our fellow-man. You can thank us when you’re cooler.