Home wrecker. You think you know what they look like. The image above is of a home wrecker. It’s a Flicker. One of the meanest home wreckers there are. Don’t be fooled by the soft dreamy photo of this Flicker, which was put out by the Flicker Anti-Defamation League or FADL, to try and counter all the bad press these birds get. Their bad image is well deserved and even understated. This is pure propaganda similar to the information and images put out by various candidates in our current elections. Yes you might look at his photo and say “My what a lovely bird. ” and you’d be right but there is a sinister story behind those muted colors and strong but nasty beak.

There are several definitions as to what a homewrecker is, such as this one from wickiLoops or wikiUp or whatever it’s called. It gives the most accepted version of  what a home wrecker is.

Homewrecker

A homewrecker (sometimes styled as home wrecker or home-wrecker) is a person, object or activity that causes or comes close to causing the breakup of a marriage (or similar partnership). The homewrecker is said to have taken one of the spouses away from the marriage, thus “wrecking” the marital home.

Then there is the definition from the only dictionary worth reading, which is the Urban Dictionary.

homewrecker

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The image above is another put out by FADL to give those without prior knowledge of Flickers the idea that Flickers are like song birds. That they are golden-throated temptress similar to larks and buntings that simply sit around singing “Gloriatas” and “hymns to the woodlands” and such. They don’t. They sound like garbage trucks in their crush cycle. You can’t tell that by looking at the picture, that’s how they fool you.

No, what these homewreckers do is eat your house. They get up high near the eaves and chew great big holes in the side of your house. Big holes. Holes big enough that whole entire birds can fit inside and live there if they want. Rain can get in there, snow too, even. And if you have a structure made out of logs similar to the original building that The Institute grew from, they take extra special glee in biting it up. They think it resembles the trees they used to have to eat when times were tough, and no one had started putting up places for them to more easily destroy under the guise of eating bugs.

So what to do about Flickers then. You can’t just shoot them, they’re protected. Explaining the deductible you have on your insurance policy doesn’t help, they don’t care. Yelling at them and insulting their parentage doesn’t work, it just makes them grin at you. No the only tried and true method of discouraging Flickers is to use a Whippy Stick.

A Whippy Stick is a patented device created right here in our anti-flicker labs at The Institute that is a 20-25′ long, thin ‘whippy’ stick cut out of a strong board so it doesn’t break while you’re flailing around with it during use. The application is simple. Flickers like to stay close to the craters they create and will often sleep right next to them. You go out at night with a flashlight you hold in your mouth and spot the Flicker way up there next to the eave. Then carefully lifting the Whippy Stick up to its full height of 25′ , try and whack the Flicker with it by using a strong whippy back and forth action. Be very careful while doing this as 25′ of whippy stick thrashing around over your head can make you trip over the deck chairs in the dark, make you drop the flashlight, skin your knee and break the porch light. The object is to smack the offending Flicker with it somewhere on its person thereby scaring the bejezus out of it while it’s sleeping. Flickers are very heavy sleepers so sometimes it takes several really good whacks to get it to wake up. There is usually a lag time while the Flicker figures out what’s going on and a skillful Whippy Stick wielder can usually get in another whack or two before it flies off into the darkness screeching in indignation.

This usually works but because Flickers have a tiny little brain, much like some of our friends who believe their candidate is the one to vote for (he isn’t) that is often damaged due to the constant battering of its head against the side of your house. It takes many applications of the Whippy Stick to get it to change its habits. Almost every night in fact. They come and try to drill holes to knock your house down during the day and you try and whack them senseless at night. It’s sort of like that endless battle between good and evil. It’s a constant struggle.

But in any event we wanted to share these images of Flickers for two reasons. First,so you would know about the campaign to paint Flickers in a new positive light by FADL, lulling you into a false sense of security so you go ahead and build your log house in a Flicker prone area and two, because if you don’t live in a log house in the woods and haven’t seen many Flickers in the wild they are kind of pretty to look at.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind.