Good morning class! Welcome to Height Adjustment 101. You’re all here because you expressed an interest in getting taller. That’s great because you are some short squatty little buggers and it looks like you could use some talling up and I’m just the bird that can help you with that.

Let’s start off with identifying some of the advantages of being taller.

Number one is you’re not always dragging your butt through the mud when you feed on the mudflats. Chicks hate that.

Number two is always being prominently featured during the photo shoots. When the photog yells, all you good-looking birds to the front, hey! not you shorty, you aren’t the shorty.

Number three, I don’t have to mention that the chicks always go for the tall guy. You know this. It ‘s one of the reasons you’re here. This is just nature boys, the only way to fight it is to get taller.

Now, how many of you have been short all of your lives? Let’s see a show of feet. All of you, well, we’ve got our work cut out for us. The main factor in getting tall is longer legs. The reason you’re short is that you have tiny little stubby legs. This is probably not your fault. Blame it on your parents. Had one of your parents got lucky with a stork you’d be a lot taller. First there are some exercises you can do to help stretch your legs. This one is called the Bounce. Bend at the knees, squat really low, then bounce up as tall as you can while hanging on to something with your feet. Bounce hard. that’s what causes the legs to stretch. This needs to hurt people, otherwise it isn’t working. 100 reps daily.

Another thing that you can do to appear taller is to stand on something submerged. If you can find a rock or a sunken log that is just beneath the surface of the water and stand on it you will appear to be much taller that you are. The downside is you can only stand on the rock, otherwise as soon as you step off you’re back to being a short runty little toad. It’s the bird equivalent of doing a comb over. This usually only works near closing time when the chicks are half in the bag and desperate. We mention it here but don’t condone it. It’s worth trying as a last resort but try not to let your friends see you doing it.

Being healthy is another factor. There are supplements available that you can take that will promote healthy leg growth. We recommend ‘LegUp’ a carefully blended mixture of millet and ground kelp with a special compound of proprietary ingredients that is exclusively available at our health bar. It also contains our newest development ‘ExpansAll’ which although not FDA approved yet, causes you to think you’re much taller than you are and that’s half the battle. There are some small side effects such as, drooling, nausea, loosening of the bowels, hallucinations, shortness of breath, dizziness upon realizing how tall you’ve gotten and addiction. However you feel really great while you’re taking it.

OK then, Any questions? No? Then see you back here tomorrow same time, same place, unless the tide is in, then we’ll meet closer to shore. Don’t want to lose you in the deep water. Remember 100 reps of the Bounce, stop off at the health bar and get your bottle of ‘LegUp’ and think tall thoughts. Have a good one.