We have been getting cards and letters lately bemoaning the wretched state of table manners in Yellowstone National Park. Many of you, and by many I’m saying, fives of ones of you, have taken it upon yourselves to write critical letters regarding this phenomenon.

We recently received this letter from one Tilda Flapondo of East Pimple, NJ. She writes

Dear Director, While recently visiting that miserable place in Wyoming they call Yellowstone National Park I have to comment on the deplorable state of decorum, especially in the table manners of the citizens of this uncouth, backwoods landfill, and their total disregard for the most rudimentary knowledge of dining amongst well-mannered people such as my family and I.

Not even mentioning that as you travel the narrow twisty roads which are filled with nothing but trite mountain scenery, overfilled rivers and streams and disgusting animals, there is not a decent salon where one can get their hair and nails done. Plus my daughter wants to get her tattoo re-inked and this has simply been impossible. We’ve been subjected to the indignities of watching these barbarians, one might even call them animals, partake of their meals, eating with their mouths open, dropping parts of their food around what should be a dining table and generally behaving as if they were from New York city. We felt like a group of discarded pubic hairs tossed out of the roadway of disregard, yes, we felt so disrespected.

What has happened to our country, when decent people such as we are so mistreated and our insensibilities ignored. I can only say we are disgusted and shan’t return. I will be writing my congresswoman as soon as I get home. You’ll be lucky if they don’t close this place down.

I remain,

Disenchanted in East Pimple, N.J. (exit 9)

Here is our considered response,

Dear Disenchanted, First let me say that I am terribly sorry that you had a less than stellar visit to the grandmother of all national parks and understand that you were disappointed. But I must ask you one question. Is it true that you live in a town named East Pimple, New Jersey? What the hell were you people thinking when you named that garden spot. East Pimple, my god, and you criticize the beauty in the west.

First and by no means last, we must take exception to your statement that our ‘animals’ as you call them, have no table manners. The image above shows that you don’t know whether you walked to work or wound your watch. This is a young grey wolf of the Better Table Manners clan dining alone at one of the tonier establishments along the Yellowstone river. He has selected a table for one and is leisurely dining on a delectable meal of dead buffalo. This is not an overly mannered young wolf. He is in fact typical, and feels quite badly that you have mis-characterized him and his pack mates in this fashion.

Our animal citizens have been put through a rigorous training program by Mother Nature and taught good table manners in spite of your opinion. Our wolf packs tend to dine in areas set back away from the roadside and our grizzlies will often take a young elk or buffalo calf they are dismembering into the brush to consume it out of sight of our more squeamish visitors.

As a lesson in public relations we have circulated your letter amongst the different groups mentioned and to an individual they have decided that they would like to have you and your family for dinner. This is a rare honor and one I would hope you would take them up on at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for your comments and please, don’t hesitate to visit us again.

I remain, The Director of The Institute, an organization dedicated to the protection and preservation of the images and reputation of our western cultures, heritage and traditions.

As always we want your cards and letters and your comments are always welcome. Rest assured that we will do our utmost to answer any questions or concerns to the best of our abilities. Remember, we are The Institute and we’re here to help.