Tag Archives: Colorado

Quarantined

Posted on by
Ground Squirrel – Sand Creek – Colorado

Everybody’s had it tough with this Covid-19 stuff. The Quarantine, the mask, which I’ve taken off for this shot at home, the social distancing that doesn’t seem to extend to red-tailed hawks by the way, they don’t have any problem just blowing right in and trying to snatch my butt off this rock. No 6′ distancing then. Where are the social distancing rangers when you need them, not here that’s for sure.

Let’s just talk about this quarantine, lock-down, self imposed isolation, whatever you want to call it. I know it affects everybody and nobody likes to be forced to do something they don’t want to even if it is for the greater good. But people have got houses, huge freaking houses, or apartments, or big fat wall tents to get locked down in for their isolation. What have I got, this big stupid rock that’s what. I said big stupid rock but I didn’t mean the rock was big, like in huge. No, it’s a small tiny little rock in the scheme of things. A phone booth of a house and that’s making it seem bigger than it is. I’m supposed to wash my paws, I don’t even have running water. I got to wait until it rains.

You can’t see it from where you are but across the way there, over a bit to the left, there’s a regular condo of burrows in a hillside and little caves and places to sit out in the sun and have grass tea and talk to each other that’s just filled with ground squirrels who had the good fortune to get locked down together. There’s even a ground squirrel cheerleading academy over there. Can I get there from here? Nooooo. Not for a couple of more weeks and that’s only if we don’t get a second wave because some yoyo won’t wear his mask, and if that red-tail quits building its nest over on the tree line.

So yeah, I’m getting fed up with this whole thing. I saw on the net that there is this heavy duty metal sort of a hazmat suit with a built in mask made just for ground squirrels that you can order. So just as soon as my stimulus check comes in I’m ordering one. Then I’m heading across the meadow to ground squirrel heaven. Don’t try and stop me, I’m serious. I’m going. I’ve had it with this rock. Stay tuned for further details.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift selection # 5 – Your Very Own National Park

Posted on by

Rocky Mountain National Park Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections at this time of year when we remember to do so, in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done as far as writing new stuff. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time taxing our limited sense of originality making that new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own National Park!!!

Here it is, A once in a lifetime opportunity to own a National Park known the world over for its scenery and wildlife with no strings attached. That’s right, you would be the sole owner! Keep it like it is, Develop it, Scrape it and put up a better one, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. What an incredible gift this will make for that special person on your list. This National park has it all, towering majestic 14,000′ peaks known as the mountains that scrape the sky, teeming wildlife populations that include huge free-roaming elk herds, black bear, owls, eagles, marmots and chipmunks, fish, 11 coyotes, some beaver, Bighorn Sheep, and a pika.

How can this be? you ask. Well what most people don’t know is that *The Institute has a real estate division that often contracts with the Federal government to dispose of property it no longer wants. We were contacted by the Department of Interior to conduct a sale of this National Park due to policy changes that no longer emphasized the focus on Nature and it’s attractions. Since the downturn and sequestering and the lack of attention to what the American publics wants and needs it has been decided to liquidate some of our most popular Natural attractions to show our willingness to be fiscally responsible. While this may be disturbing to the few who actually like Nature it is an incredible opportunity for one of you, or a group if you decide to pool your lunch money, to own a huge part of American history, not to mention acreage.

This National Park, which we can not name at this time due to federal regulations, but whose initials are Rocky Mountain National Park, will be offered for sale beginning this week by closed auction. Opening bids start at $20.00  $17.41 (price to open bidding reduced due to prospect of Government shutdown) and will continue until we decide that’s enough money and close the sale. Since the Director will have the final say and this is a private sale open only to people we like or that have an impressive amount of money, foreign governments welcomed, any considerations made to the Director personally will be taken into consideration ( for clarification contact the Director at his private number, all offers confidential )  in deciding when to close the sale.

This sale includes the National Park, all 265,761 acres, it’s infrastructure including all buildings, roads, water rights, lakes, ponds and puddles and necessary fencing, any personal effects left by departing staff members, all wild life including any offspring born to said park wildlife outside the boundaries of the park, the food service court located at the visitor center on Trail ridge road, all other concessions connected to the park, anything with the name Rocky Mountain National Park on it, the right to charge admission to enter and set regulations regarding that visit if you desire to continue allowing access by the public that is, the ability to retain any proceeds from the sale of items left in the lost and found department and other perks too numerous to mention.

Bidding begins at noon December 24th and ends at 12:00am December 31st. Winning bid will be announced January 15th, 2014. All bids are to be in cash or bearers bonds, presented directly to the Director of The Institute by the end of business on December 31st, 2013 and are non-refundable. The Director has sole authority to determine winner in case of tying bids. So here’s your chance to really suck up to the guy. Any inducements no matter how lewd will be entertained. International winners, if any, will have to get a green card before title can be transferred. Title will be conveyed by an act of Congress sometime in the future.

National Park bidding begins at $20.00 $17.41

Take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and bid early and often. If you aren’t successful on this property there is the possibility that two more properties are on the block for later disposal. We can’t disclose which two but think Big Ditch and Geysers and you’ll be close.

Merry Christmas everyone!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Gift Selection #10 Genuine Emperor Scorpion

Posted on by

Emperor Scorpion Sierra Leone Africa

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy

The First item in our Top Ten Countdown of Incredible Christmas gifts

Genuine Emperor Scorpion

*The Institute does more than just solve the world’s problems. We help in many other ways too. Every year our staff puts together a gift list that we offer to our loyal readers to help them with their Christmas shopping. We know that many of you have loved ones that are incredibly difficult to shop for. That’s why we go to the ends of the earth to bring you those items you just can’t find at Wal-Mart. So cheer up help is at hand, watch for the selections we’ve chosen as they appear throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Our first item is the cute but lovable Emperor Scorpion, a sassy native of Africa, it is sure to put a smile on the face of that hard to please relative that just won’t shut up. We’re sure they will be speechless when they open this gift. Our Aunt Pheeb got one of these for Uncle Skid last year and to complete the surprise she didn’t tell him it was coming. She just left it in the bottom of his favorite six-pack for him to find. Boy did that liven up half-time. That Aunt Pheeb she’s a kidder alright.

Order now: Satisfaction Guaranteed.

Emperor Scorpion item # 1999567783332-1

Availability: in Stock

Description: Color, shiny black with iridescent highlights. Creates delightful scrabbling sound as it hides amongst your personal effects. length 8″. wgt. 1 oz. but can get up to 4lbs. if overfed or left alone among your other pets. We recommend feeding your Emperor Scorpion only guaranteed, high volume, low calorie Scorpion chow. Available through our catalog. An Institute exclusive.

Choose country of origin: Ivory Coast, Senegal, Ghana, and Sierra Leone, sorry due to internal strife in Ivory Coast and Ghana, animal is only available from Senegal or Sierra Leone. Note: Senegalese item not suitable for children under 3

Accessories: scorpion chow, leash, rub on tattoos ( personalize your pet with unique designs).

Scorpion den, has individual quarters for up to 10 individuals, shipped unassembled.

Training manuals.

Mirror, official fighting mirror authorized by the OFSS** of America, scorpions go gonzo nuts when they see another scorpion, use to amuse your friends by having them hold the mirror, great at parties.

Anti-venom. Please select Pint, Quart or Half-gallon. Larger sizes may be  special ordered. Extra shipping charges apply. Sent from 3rd party shipper allow 4-6 weeks for arrival.

Scorpion sized booties and tail covers. Highly-recommended if animal is shipped to Co., WI., N. D., S. D., Upper MI., ME., MT., ID.,  All those little states below ME. and CA.

Price: $ 9500.00 please add tax if you live in Colorado.

Delivery time: guaranteed to arrive before Christmas if ordered before 12-01-13.

Watch for other great Gift ideas! Operators standing by to take your orders. Call now!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

** Official Fighting Scorpions Society of America. The Ultimate in Arachnid Cage Fighting™, headquarters Killem, Al. 36001

A Moose By Any Other Name…

Posted on by

A moose by any other name, would it smell as sweet? That’s the musical question that’s been asked around the dinner table for eons. Bill Shakespeare asked it once about some flower. I myself just asked it the other evening when there was a lull in the conversation, remarking “Hey! Would a moose by any other name smell as sweet?” No one in the shocked silence that ensued ventured an opinion. It is a complex issue. I even overheard it asked at one of the sanctioned Cage Fighting events I attended. Eugene the Face Masher asked it of his arch rival Constance the Nose Ripper Johnson as they entered the cage to begin their bout. It made for an interesting match as they discussed the pros and cons of the matter until one finally collapsed in the sheer exhaustion of trying to come to some agreement. That and getting a Flying Backbend Screaming Roundhouse Kick to his melon.

Having heard rumors that he was less than sweet-smelling, as many of his peers would attest by running gagging into the woods upon his approach, and I need to tell you it takes a lot to gag a moose. Plus foliage as far as a quarter of a mile downstream was wilting and gasping, turning their little petals to the sky before dropping into the stream and sailing slowly face down towards the Pacific ocean, he removed himself to the nearest stream where he could complete his ablutions and perchance be allowed to return to polite society.

 It is Spring after all and normally a young bull moose’s thoughts would turn to love but not this guy. He’s too young, he’s just got little paddles, all his thoughts turn to is stuffing his big fat face. And like many a young man he can handle that problem very well. So far he has carpet grazed this stream bed, the meadow on either side out to a half mile, and left a trail of arboreal destruction through the woods to get here of everything even remotely resembling food and is on his way to the next movable feast a mile or so downstream.

If you would like to meet this fellow simply take the backroads through the high mountains to Vail, Colorado and watch along the creek as it heads down the mountain. He’ll be there if he hasn’t completed his scorched earth policy of grazing everything to the bare rock and gone somewhere else.

Last Train To Nowhere

Posted on by

click to enlarge

It was a dark and dreary morning when the couple stumbled across this siding in Salida, Colorado bleary-eyed and spent from fighting with the cold harsh realities of life. They were looking for a direction, any direction, to leave this place and the troubles it brought and get to a brighter place. A more peaceful place. Somewhere where the happiness matched the sunlight.

Things could have been better, hell anything would have been better. It was a point where life had thrown its worst at them and realizing that this was one of those truths that come out of despair it was time to move on. Hopping a freight seemed as good a solution to an unsolvable problem as any. It had to be going to a better place than this.

You can try and leave your demons behind hoping you can outrace them, sometimes it works to hop a freight and get out of Dodge, or Salida as the case may be. But often it doesn’t and you find that the problem is bigger than you are, and demons are fast, they can keep up, and no matter how much you want to find that bright, sunny place where everything will be alright, getting on that last train to nowhere isn’t the answer. Life can be mean that way.

Christmas Gift selection # 6 For 2017 – Your Very Own National Park

Posted on by
ParkForSale4980-4990
Rocky Mountain National Park Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections at this time of year when we remember to do so, in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done as far as writing new stuff. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time taxing our limited sense of originality making that new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own National Park!!!

Here it is, your chance to own a National Park known the world over for its scenery and wildlife with no strings attached. That’s right, you would be the sole owner! Keep it like it is, Develop it, Scrape it and put up a better one, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. What an incredible gift this will make for that special person on your list. This National park has it all, towering majestic 14,000′ peaks, the mountains that scrape the sky, teeming wildlife populations that include huge free-roaming elk herds, black bear, owls, eagles, marmots and chipmunks, fish, 11 coyotes, some beaver, Bighorn Sheep, and a pika.

How can this be? you ask. Well what most people don’t know is that *The Institute has a real estate division that often contracts with the Federal government to dispose of property it no longer wants. We were contacted by the Department of Interior to conduct a sale of this National Park due to policy changes that no longer emphasized the focus on Nature and it’s attractions. Since the downturn and sequestering and the lack of attention to the American publics wants and needs it has been decided to liquidate some of our most popular Natural attractions to show our willingness to be fiscally responsible. While this may be disturbing to the few who actually like Nature it is an incredible opportunity for one of you, or a group if you decide to pool your lunch money, to own a huge part of American history, not to mention acreage.

This National Park, which we can not name at this time due to federal regulations, but whose initials are Rocky Mountain National Park, will be offered for sale beginning this week by closed auction. Opening bids start at $20.00 and will continue until we decide that’s enough money and close the sale. Since the Director will have the final say and this is a private sale open only to people we like or that have an impressive amount of money, foreign governments welcomed, any considerations made to the Director personally will be taken into consideration ( for clarification contact the Director at his private number, all offers confidential )  in deciding when to close the sale.

This sale includes the National Park, all 265,761 acres, it’s infrastructure including all buildings, roads, water rights, lakes, ponds and puddles and necessary fencing, any personal effects left by departing staff members, all wild life including any offspring born to said park wildlife outside the boundaries of the park, the food service court located at the visitor center on Trail ridge road, all other concessions connected to the park, anything with the name Rocky Mountain National Park on it, the right to charge admission to enter and set regulations regarding that visit, if you desire to continue allowing access by the public that is, the ability to retain any proceeds from the sale of items left in the lost and found department and other perks to numerous to mention.

Bidding begins at noon December 24th and ends at 12:00am December 31st. Winning bid will be announced January 15th, 2014. All bids are to be in cash or bearers bonds, presented directly to the Director of The Institute by the end of business on December 31st, 2013 and are non-refundable. The Director has sole authority to determine winner in case of tying bids. So here’s your chance to really suck up to the guy. Any inducements no matter how lewd will be entertained. Title will be conveyed by an act of Congress sometime in the future.

National Park bidding begins at $20.00

Take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and bid early and often. If you aren’t successful on this property there is the possibility that two more properties are on the block for later disposal. We can’t disclose which two but think Big Ditch and Geysers and you’ll be close.

Merry Christmas everyone!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Gift Selection #1 Genuine Emperor Scorpion

Posted on by
XmasGiftEmerorScorpion4430
Emperor Scorpion Sierra Leone Africa

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

First of 10 Exceptional Gift Ideas For this Christmas Season!

Genuine Emperor Scorpion

*The Institute does more than just solve the world’s problems. We help in many other ways too. Every year our staff puts together a gift list that we offer to our loyal readers to help them with their Christmas shopping. We know that many of you have loved ones that are incredibly difficult to shop for. That’s why we go to the ends of the earth to bring you those items you just can’t find at Wal-Mart. So cheer up help is at hand, watch for the selections we’ve chosen as they appear throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Our first item is the cute but lovable Emperor Scorpion, a sassy native of Africa, it is sure to put a smile on the face of that hard to please relative that just won’t shut up. We’re sure they will be speechless when they open this gift. Our Aunt Pheeb got one of these for Uncle Skid last year and to complete the surprise she didn’t tell him it was coming. She just left it in the bottom of his favorite six-pack for him to find. Boy did that liven up half-time. That Aunt Pheeb she’s a kidder alright.

Order now: Satisfaction Guaranteed.

Emperor Scorpion item # 1999567783332-1

Availability: in Stock

Description: Color, shiny black with iridescent highlights. Creates delightful scrabbling sound as it hides amongst your personal effects. length 8″. wgt. 1 oz. but can get up to 4lbs. if overfed or left alone among your other pets. We recommend feeding your Emperor Scorpion only guaranteed, high volume, low calorie Scorpion chow. Available through our catalog. An Institute exclusive.

Choose country of origin: Ivory Coast, Senegal, Ghana, and Sierra Leone, sorry due to internal strife in Ivory Coast and Ghana, animal is only available from Senegal or Sierra Leone. Note: Senegalese item not suitable for children under 3

Accessories: scorpion chow, leash, rub on tattoos ( personalize your pet with unique designs).

Scorpion den, has individual quarters for up to 10 individuals, shipped unassembled.

Training manuals.

Mirror, official fighting mirror authorized by the OFSS** of America, scorpions go gonzo nuts when they see another scorpion, use to amuse your friends by having them hold the mirror, great at parties.

Anti-venom. Please select Pint, Quart or Half-gallon. Larger sizes may be  special ordered. Extra shipping charges apply. Sent from 3rd party shipper allow 4-6 weeks for arrival.

Scorpion sized booties and tail covers. Highly-recommended if animal is shipped to Co., WI., N. D., S. D., Upper MI., ME., MT., ID.,  All those little states below ME. and CA.

Price: $ 9500.00 please add tax if you live in Colorado.

Delivery time: guaranteed to arrive before Christmas if ordered before 12-01-13.

Watch for other great Gift ideas! Operators standing by to take your orders. Call now!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

** Official Fighting Scorpions Society of America. The Ultimate in Arachnid Cage Fighting™, headquarters Killem, Al. 36001