Tag Archives: chickens

Just Past Full

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Phases of the moon. For the uninitiated this is the naming nomenclature for how the moon appears to us as we look at it from our lowly perch here on Earth. For years people have looked at the moon and yelled out its name or phase so they and everyone else were clear on what time of the lunar calendar it was. “Hey it’s full moon! Don’t be leaving your Mother-in-law out on the porch tonight or she’ll turn into a real …. “(insert the expletive of your choice here). Naming the phase was important so they wouldn’t accidentally kill their chickens or maybe the sacrifices they were holding from another tribe, or plant their rutabagas too soon and screw things up. There is a system to all things and you could really screw the pooch if you weren’t in phase with the moon.

Luckily for us and actually for you too if you think about it, we have a department here at *The Institute that keeps track of the phases of the moon just in case something weird might occur and upset the balance of things. If you do not know the names of all the phases of the moon, and how could you actually, our staff here at The Institute, all trained Moonies by the way, have developed a short list that states the names of the different phases of the moon in their auspicious, propitious, timely, yet seasonable order. Here they are.

None : no moon, just darkness deep and scary, anything can happen

Only a Sliver, Just a bitty Mr. Nitty: A little rhyme that our interns use to remember this phase

Quarter Moon in a 10¢ Town: 1st Quarter of the moon. Thanks Emmy Lou for your help in naming this phase.

More’n a Quarter But not Half Bad:  This is the phase after Quarter Moon but not yet close to the next phase. Kind of like the Turkish moon with that star near it but not quite. Need training to spot this one.

Half Moon: This is the phase where the moon is exactly half way through its cycle. Half the moon is visible and half is not. This is up to the viewer to decide which is which but usually the brighter side is the one half visible. Some disagree with this but then they also believe that the earth is still flat after all these years, people actually care when they ask you how you are, and that there is some reason for things being the way they are now. Like a plan or something. Yeah, right.

Half Moon Plus a Bit: This is another ticklish phase that is difficult to recognize. Our Moonies can do it because they spend a lot of time sitting around singing, banging on tambourines and thinking about this stuff. If you’re not sure if you’re in this phase or not, Ask a Moonie.

3 Quarters no Dimes: This is another little mnemonic used by our interns to remember what comes after Half Moon.

Full: This is it, The Big Kahuna. The one all the crazies wait for. The one lovers like. The one that shines up the night like Nature’s own Klieg light. This is the full moon. Nearly everyone can recognize this phase with little or no help. Except the Half Moon people of course, they’re still working on that deal about the Earth being 8000 years old.

Just Past Full: This one often slips by without recognition because it looks so much like a Full moon. We have illustrated this phase with the image above taken just a day ago from the Lunar Imaging platform up the West Tower right below the eaves, way the bejuzus up in the air. It is in the Just Past Full phase. You can see it looks pretty much like a full moon and as we are usually still dealing with the crazies that come out to howl at the Full Moon we easily miss this phase.

3 Quarters on the other side of the Full moon: See explanation of 3 Quarters no dimes above and just reverse it.

Back To Half Full: Ditto

More’n a Quarter But not Half Bad The Other Way: You’re starting to get the picture here. Things are going backwards or reversing if you need a more lunar-like term.

Only a Sliver, Just a bitty Mr. Nitty but on the Flip Side: Just flip the picture of this moon left to right and you’ll be able to see it. This is often difficult for people with dyslexia. If you have this problem call our 1- 900 number Can’t tell which Sliver of the Moon it Is Hotline, and we’ll straighten you right out. Additional charges may apply. Consult your CPA or Personal Banker to determine if you can afford to make the call. Se Habla Espanol.

None: Yup, you’re back to the scary time again. We recommend staying indoors and bingeing on your favorite HBO series during this phase. Eat lots of carbs, drink lots of water. Lock your doors.

So…….There you have it. The complete skinny about the Phases of the Moon. Feel better? We know we do.

As always we want to remind you that this unsolicited bulletin educating you on the phases of the moon has been a Public Service of The Institute, a non-profit, non-existent, totally motivated organization dedicated to bringing you, our readers, the newest and most comprehensive information available. Remember we’re the Institute and we’re here to help.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

And Then I Said

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And Then I Said8337

Foxes are notorious story tellers. You give a fox half a chance and he’s going to have you snorting and snorfling like a school kid before you can say “Hey! Put that down!”  They will approach you and Instead of him asking politely “Excuse me sir, but  do you have any chickens?” he’ll be much more likely to say “Yeah, and did you hear the one about the woman who had those….” and before you know it you’re laughing out loud, offering him a beer and telling him about that new bunch of Rhode Island Red hens you just got in and exactly where the hen-house is. I’m telling you right now “Don’t trust foxes.” Don’t even talk to them unless it’s to say “Do you prefer number 8 or number 12 buckshot?” Otherwise you’re going to be chickenless, I’m not kidding. They’re that good.

The only way to combat a fox is to have a bunch of one liners at hand. Foxes love one liners. They will sit and listen to them for hours which gives you time to have that significant other of yours run around back and triple lock the henhouse. Foxes need that moment when they first meet you to grab your attention so they will spit out a one liner to sucker you in and then they’re off and running and you’re caught. End result, you’re chickenless. So they’re always looking for new ones.

Here are a few I’ve found helpful.

My girlfriend told me to go and get something that makes her look sexy…so I got drunk

A blind man walks into a bar…and a chair… and a table…

As I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought “dogs are easily amused.” Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance…so I pushed her over.

I’m like a really down to earth guy because you know….gravity.

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of this car. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said “I’m not happy.” I replied “Well, which one are you then?

Remember, these don’t have to make you laugh, they have to make the fox laugh.

Now there’s no guarantee’s that any of these will work for you and your fox. All situations are case specific. After all foxes have different senses of humor just like people. All I can say is if one doesn’t work keep trying. Something is bound to hit his funny bone. You’re not auditioning for the Comedy Channel here, you’re trying to keep a fox from your henhouse. The key is to keep him amused long enough to lock up the chickens.

I just hope that this message helps some of you out there. Don’t be fooled by the foxes that come visiting. The deal is to be the first one who spits out that one liner, you do that and your chickens are safe. Otherwise you’re standing there laughing and the fox is gone, all your chickens are gone, and you’re trying to figure out what just happened. Be smarter than the fox.

Summertime Blues revisited

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To celebrate our 500th post on BigShotsNow we are republishing some of our more popular posts. This post first appeared on July 5 2013. If you have any suggestions of previous posts you’d like to see again drop a note to dlutsey@enchantedpixels.com and we’ll try and honor that request.

FarmHouse0018

It’s hot out here on the prairie in the summer. That’s the way summer is, but today feels different. Today the air is still, unnaturally quiet and there is an oppressive feel to it as if the air got suddenly heavier. The chickens have all found places to roost and there isn’t a sound out of any of them, even the old rooster has gone silent. The light has gone different too, going from the usual bright blue to a kind of sullen blue-grey color with a tinge of green that doesn’t feel right. Mom’s in the house getting ready to start canning. It’s been a struggle to keep the rabbits and deer out of the garden and she’s got to save what she has harvested so far. Dad’s out in the field trying his damnest to get the seed in before the rain hits. Claude and Old Bill don’t like the clouds forming or the way it has got quiet all of a sudden and they are hard to keep straight. Dad has been giving them hell and the horses sweaty backs are more from nervousness than the hard work. Seed’s expensive and it has to go down right or the yield won’t be there.

 If you look close you can see skinny little kids with angular faces and very serious expressions playing out behind the shed. They had been hitting something with sticks a little while before, you couldn’t see what it was but whatever it was they were intent on making its life miserable. They’re not bad kids but a hard life makes for hard play.

The shed door started banging against its hinges as the wind kicked up and inside the cow is pulling against its rope. It doesn’t like the feeling in the air and wants outside. It’s only a little after noon and the sky is darkening for as far as you can see. These clouds mean only one thing and it is the worst thing you can have besides fire. Their rounded, puffy bottoms are a prelude to one of the great devastations visited on this land. Off in the far forty Dad is turning the team towards home. He’s about to turn them loose and jump on back of old Bill to beat the wind and get everybody rounded up. Mom has shut down the stove and damped the fire, canning can wait.

With everybody accounted for and Dad home cutting the horses loose to fend for themselves it’s time to pull open the root cellar door and enter the cool earthy smelling darkness. Mom brought the loaf of bread from the oven and her bible, Dad’s got the kerosene lantern lit and the kids are staring wide-eyed at the last sliver of daylight as the cellar door gets pulled down tight and locked. Maybe next year if everything goes right they can get an electric light down there but I guess that would only last until the twister took out the power poles so maybe they’ll save their money. The littlest one is hanging on to her sister and listening as if her life depended on it as her brother tells how the twister will sound like a freight train from hell as it passes by and maybe suck them right up out of the ground if it has a mind to. Lots of people have been sucked up out of the ground, blown away and just killed, he says, but his big sister says Dad won’t let that happen and he should just shush. Besides he was the one that wet his pants the last time he was so scared so he shouldn’t be trying to scare any one else.

If they’re lucky the twister will miss the house and the out buildings and their livestock will make it. So far they’ve been lucky. This isn’t their first storm but it doesn’t get easier with each one, just the opposite in fact. Dry land farming and life out here in general is a tough way to make it go what with the drought, the fires, the winds, the dust storms, the grasshoppers and the tornadoes. This is real Grapes of Wrath stuff here, gritty, hard-edged and no holds barred life on the plains but these are strong people and they have faith they can make it. I believe they can too, but it’s going to be a long afternoon none the less.