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Many of our hundreds upon hundreds, if not thousands of loyal readers, I lose count, have written in to ask ” Well, What HAS the Institute of Regained Knowledge or ‘IRK’ for short, been up to lately, Mr. Director Guy?” Amazing things, is the short answer, just amazing things. Our biggest success story lately has been in the field of Nuclear Radiation Transuppository Immolation of smaller defenseless species that don’t normally bite when you handle them. It is spear-headed by the renowned reptileologist Dr. Lee Zard, lately of the research lab at the Bubba Johnson Alligator farm and Ladies Accessories Outlet on route 16 and County Road C just outside Beulah, Alabama. One of our earliest projects, seen above, is currently under investigation, I mean being researched for long-term negligible effects by the FDA and is well on its way to becoming infamous, I mean well-known in the scientific world. But more on that in a moment, first a short informational recap for those new readers who have just recently joined us and are unaware of who and what the Institute of Regained Knowledge or ‘IRK’ is.

The Institute was founded by a shadowy, mysterious, but incredibly handsome individual who is disgustingly filthy rich with no visible means of support and wishes to remain anonymous. I can tell you his initials, which are Dwight Lutsey, I mean D L and he is mostly known for his Paleoentropic, uh Philistinal, uh Prolapsic, what the hell is that word that means a guy that gives away money for no good reason when he should be saving it for when he’s homeless and out on the street in the rain living in a cardboard box, oh yeah, Philanthropist, that’s what I mean, and has dedicated his life to bringing the world new scientific knowledge that someone else has done the really hard work of developing and rehashing it so it looks original, I mean presenting it in a form that the normal Wal-Mart shopper can understand. We have a staff of highly trained, well documented people that have lots of letters behind their names and come from prestigious organizations that we couldn’t get into with a new fifty dollar bill. Our areas of research are nearly too many to list and if it weren’t for our ability to con the government, I mean apply for the numerous grants that are available to organizations such as ours, we would have trouble keeping up even with the support of our generous benefactor. The location of the Institute is a closely guarded secret known only to the County Assessment Office and some members of the general Public. This is to keep that group of itinerant researchers and other riff-raff from storming our gates to get in on the action.

But back to the subject at hand. The small reptile pictured above known as ‘Tyrone Lizardopticus’ was originally approximately four inches long, I’m not sure what that is in centimeters, (is that eight feet or nineteen inches, you just can’t tell, I seen grown mathematicians cry when they have to convert that idiot system to the real numbers we use, that’s why the good old system of feet and inches has made America the leader it is today), and kinda scary looking when it would open its mouth, but after treatment from Dr. Zard it is now about the size of a Buick and still growing, (this is the part that got the FDA interested), and it is mean. Really mean. Apparently the treatment, Nuclear Radiation Transuppository Immolation, is painful, even though Dr. Zard says it isn’t. Of course he has never undergone the treatment himself. Couple that with the fact that Reptiles have long memories and never forgive anything, and it makes for a nasty ill-tempered creature totally bent on world destruction.

So far the experiment had been tightly controlled with many safeguards in place and a definite well structured, monitored routine. We would let it, the staff has taken to calling it ‘IT’ out of its cavern to get the sun, feed it live chickens which soon became goats then the occasional Elk and now Dr. Zard tells me we are running out of options food-wise and by the way he has an urgent project starting up in the Sinai and will be leaving soon to head that up. The situation hasn’t become desperate yet but I have made a call to our friends at Cheyenne Mountain to track this thing if it begins to head for Tokyo. I have some of our researchers working on finding out what DefCon 4 means. All I’ve been told by the officials there is to make evacuation plans. With the amount of stuff this thing eats the last thing we need is some kind of evacuation plan. Cleaning up the compound, I mean Campus around the entrance to its cavern has become problematic already, we don’t need to give it any help, evacuation-wise. And this stuff glows. So far we have lost three members of our clean up team, we’re not sure if its radiation sickness or they been got. Storage has been troublesome but luckily the compound, I mean Campus is near a deep ravine called Nevergothere so we can use the Institutes’ D-9 to push it over the edge. Unfortunately the D-9 has begun glowing and the driver won’t go near it. He says his hair is falling out.

Not one to become depressed by life’s little set backs we still have high hopes for the satisfactory conclusion of this project. However we are a little dismayed by the fact that Dr.Zard took all of his notes with him which are the intellectual property of the Institute by the way and now we are unsure of the next feeding step. We have contracted with some of the locals zoos for obtaining their sick and dying elephant population but due to the fact that most of those elephants are disgustingly healthy it does not look promising. But don’t worry, the folks at Cheyenne Mountain have said that there will be plenty of warning for the general public if they have to go “Hot” whatever that means. So stay tuned, film at eleven.