Tag Archives: big box stores

Jack Rabbit

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Lots of people don’t know jack about rabbits. If you ask these people about rabbits, like, “So What do you know about rabbits?” many of them will simply say I don’t know jack and walk away. But there is a lot to know about rabbits. Much more than say, aardvarks or 3 toed sloths or even dogs and cats, of which very much is known.

Rabbits have played a huge part in history down through the ages. Take for instance the Easter bunny. There is a bunch of weird but strange facts about how a rabbit and especially one that lays chocolate covered Easter eggs in a basket full of fake green grass made of green cellophane, came to be the head of a multi-gazillion dollar marketing campaign that has spread around the world.

For instance how is the succession of rabbits chosen to be the one true Easter rabbit amongst all the rabbits of the world. How does that work? There are a freaking huge amount of rabbits in virtually every country on the globe, how do they choose that one that will be the head of the rabbit world for the rest of his life. The Head Rabbit that hands down decrees, visits poor children and homeless rabbits around the world, makes decisions and choices which will affect faithful rabbits everywhere, and gets to wear neat Easter rabbit clothes and live in a colossal warren where he is the Big Clover forever.

To answer that we went to the source, which is Hutton Lake National Wildlife Refuge in Wyoming. Wyoming is like Rome to rabbits, and Hutton lake is like the Vatican. This is where anything of importance to rabbits spiritual lives happens. Special envoys are sent from rabbit colonies all around the world to be part of the organization that handles rabbit doctrine. And the single biggest, most important part of their rabbit lives is when an Easter bunny dies and a new one must be chosen.

After the mourning period is over the rest of the rabbits get down to the critical business of selecting the new Easter rabbit. First among equals of each delegation are chosen, then those most important of rabbits are locked in a big cage together and cannot leave until they have unanimously chosen the new Easter rabbit. This can be an extremely contentious time with much un-rabbit like discussion and occasional ear pulling, and the occasional well placed thump from an extra large hind foot. Each delegation has an interest in the new Easter rabbit, as this gives much prestige to their colonies back home but more importantly allows their regional viewpoints to be heard and hopefully implemented.

Each day is spent in reflection, discussions, maneuvering, imploring, deal making, whatever it takes to come to a consensus. At the end of each day a vote is taken and if there is no unanimous decision amongst them the rabbits burn a sage brush treated to produce black smoke. This means no new Easter rabbit was chosen. The next day they repeat the process until they finally come to a unanimous decision on which of them will become the new Easter rabbit. When the decision is made they burn some sage treated to create white smoke and the multitudes of rabbits waiting impatiently for the newest Easter rabbit to be chosen, let out squeaks and cries of ecstasy and joy that can be heard for miles. In fact it can be heard around the world as news travels at the speed of light and informs the faithful that there is a new Easter rabbit.

Within days the factories crank up production of chocolate facsimiles of the new Easter Rabbit, chocolate covered Easter eggs are flying off the assembly line, tons and tons of fake green grass is produced and marshmallow chicks and rabbits are quickly packaged and loaded onto 18 wheelers for delivery to big box stores around the country. The Easter business is back in business.

Meanwhile back at Hutton lake the conclave of important rabbits has disassembled and gone back to the business at hand of running one of the biggest groups of mammals on the planet. It won’t belong until we see the fruits of their labors as Easter is just around the corner. Hopefully there will be enough chocolate covered everything to go around. If this new Easter bunny has his way there will be. And that’s a good thing.

Caught In A Murder

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Many dastardly deeds are done in Bosque del Apache under the cover of darkness. But some are done even in bright sunlight. Drugs and violence and the arrival of gangs never before seen in the refuge are now common place. It’s gotten much worse since the advent of the internet and being able to get restricted bad seed and other prescription only drugs from Canada with nothing but a fake prescription and a fax machine. Consequently gangs have formed to take advantage of this situation and have infiltrated nearly every level of society in the Refuge.

Here we see a murder of Crows swarm a lone Eagle, a peace officer who had accidentally stumbled on them distributing bags of hallucinogenic seed. This was a shipment of treated Bulgar seed that had just arrived on the refuge disguised as medical supplies and food for indigent migratory birds.

Undeterred by his unexpected presence they brazenly rose up in a swarm to surround him and to force him to the ground where they in their superior numbers could do him in, thereby fulfilling their designation as a “Murder of Crows”, the most ruthless gang in the refuge. Filled with crows from Columbia and other South American countries they will stop at nothing to defend their territory and protect their profits. These are very bad crows.

Fortunately for the eagle the crows had been distracted by the business of cutting the seed with cheaper non-hallucinatory wild bird seed available in bulk from any of the big box stores. This is done to allow them to maximize their profits even more. One 50lb. bag when cut to street tolerances will provide enough seed for several thousand birds. It takes more and more seed per bird to get high, so the sales, and of course profits, go high-sky. Due to their being occupied with this process he was able to fly the through the crime site before most of the crows even noticed he was there. This didn’t stop the crows from rising up to confront him however and soon he was surrounded. The eagle was able to gain enough altitude to avoid the crows tactic of flying over him and pecking at his back with their needle sharp bills, causing him to fly lower and lower until he was grounded and then swarmed and pecked to death.

Due to surprising the crows and his superior ability to gain altitude quickly from the use of his powerful wings, our eagle was able to make his escape and return to headquarters. There a task force of Eagles and a few of the larger hawks were able to return to the sight of the crime to try and catch the perps in the act. Unfortunately the crows were able to make their escape by eating as much of the seed as they could carry and still get off the ground. The rest they pushed into the pond hoping to retrieve it later.

The peace eagle didn’t make the bust that he wanted to, but at least he foiled the Murder of Crows from creating one more victim. The crows will be back though, the possibility of making this much profit is too compelling for them to be run off by one lone eagle. And once the other birds get hooked they’ll be back in business again. The good news is our eagle didn’t get caught in a murder. His. He did cause one more drug center to be closed and for that we’re all thankful.