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Bears will do some pretty disgusting stuff. Especially big red bears who have an audience. When a bear is sighted in Yellowstone there is a signal sent out that when viewed from above looks like one of those old movie shots of an atomic explosion. The one where there is a ever-growing circle of dust and debris and destruction that heads out in all directions, faster and faster. Trees fall down, houses come apart and there is chaos of the supreme kind. That’s what its like when someone yells bear.

If there is a bear sighted on the Madison for instance people clear up in the Lamar valley eighty miles away will know about it in moments and break every known speed limit to get there before the bear is gone. Soon of course every human in Yellowstone is at the scene yelling, pointing, trying to sneak closer to get a better view, shooting their flash off when they’re several hundred yards away, arguing with the rangers and generally causing severe damage to interspecies cooperation.

Some bears simply can not handle that kind of craziness and haul their large furry butts off into the trees, but some bears relish the attention, and some like this big red one who is actually called a cinnamon bear because it sounds more scientific than just saying red, will stick around and put on a show. Not like walking on giant beach balls or wearing pointy party hats, that kind of stuff but everyday bear stuff.  Checking things out, sniffing tree branches which is kind of like reading the newspaper for them, flipping over rocks to see what’s under there, posing to show off how butch it is, and ripping open logs to find grubs. Grubs of course are the disgusting part, but bears like them. They like to eat them actually and consider it a great success when they tear open a log and find what they constantly seek, grub heaven.

To those unaccustomed to eating grubs this seems to be gross. And the more of those fatty, juicy, pop in your mouth treats the bear eats the grosser it is. And if the bear then chews with his mouth open that is like totally gross and usually sends the weaker stomachs staggering back to the mini-van. Of course, bears know this and they love it. If they can pack several dozen grubs into their mouth and then face the crowd, chewing with their mouth open they’re ecstatic. Kids love it too, if it grosses the Geezoids out that makes the whole trip. There will be endless miles where they’ll be reviewing just how gross it was in exacting detail and wasn’t it cool that it made mom sick. The bear will probably being doing the same thing when it gets down to the old Missing Tourist pub that night and the stories start.

I was going to photograph the open mouth chewing part for the blog but it was just too gross. As much as I like to bring realism to the stories that appear on this page we do have some standards here. But if you kids out there want to send in five dollars in plain unmarked bills I’d be happy to send you some of the out-takes. Just put ‘Gross out Grubs’ in the subject line.

Disclaimer: NO one between the age of 6 mos. and 111 may order unless a signed notarized affidavit from the ‘Standards of Decency Committee’ in your community accompanies your order. No exceptions.