*The Institute, as you know by now, is constantly on the lookout for marginal or non-existent problems that we can blow up into some big hairy deal and maybe capitalize on it for fame or fortune. Well, we feel like we hit the motherlode with this one. To our knowledge, which is considerable as we’ve got some pretty smart cookies up here, we have never run across this devastating problem affecting young Mountain Goat lambs before. An exhaustive search of Scientific journals, including National Geographic, Science, Nature and *The Star newspaper have not turned up one word about this incredible, debilitating disease that has slipped through the net of those who profess to be naturalists. It hasn’t even been on Fox news.

It’s called “Gamboling”, at least it is since we named it that, and it appears to affect only the very young. This is what makes it so heart-breaking. To be struck down with this debilitating disease so early in life is something we can hardly bear to think about. Unless we can turn it into a cause of course, and make some money off of it, which is pretty likely as you know how everybody loves cute little lambs. They’re almost as good as puppies or even kittens. We figure we got a good shot at hitting it big as America is primed right now, stoked actually, to give and give big, due to all the problems facing our world. I mean if a leaf falls off a tree in Bangladesh we’re right there with a pot full of money to say we’re sorry, let us help. They ought to really buy into a bunch of lambs dying of too much fun. I know it brings a tear to my eye.

Gamboling is rampant throughout the herd leaving virtually no lamb untouched. It’s symptoms are manifested by an uncontrollable urge in these lambs to run or jump about playfully, or to frolic, frisk, cavort, skip, dance, romp, prance, leap, hop, jump, spring, bound, bounce and lots of other words that mean the same thing. On the surface this appears to be appealing, cute even, a pleasure for all who witness it, but underneath that innocent appearing fun lies a sinister and we believe life-threatening danger for those afflicted.

Using scientific logic, which we have so much of, it runs out of our ears, we have deduced that there are no cavorting, leaping frivolous behaving old Mountain goats, or even middle-aged ones, and come to think of it even young adult ones, that we can only conclude that those gamboling lambs simply do not make it into the next step in their growth pattern. They just mysteriously croak off or something. Go ahead, look to your heart’s content but you won’t find an adult Mountain goat fooling around like that. They just don’t do it. They might walk around briskly, leap carefully from one precipice to another, but gamboling, no, doesn’t happen. It’s as if the only ones who make it to adulthood are non-gambolers.

There are quite a few unanswered questions regarding the transformation or lack of it, of the lambs from lambhood to adulthood once they have contracted the dreaded gamboling disease. We have looked far and wide for carcasses, or as they’re known in zoologists or Mammologist circles, dead baby lambs, and have never found a one. Do the adults, in a fit of shame and remorse having produced these freaks of nature, eat them? Do giant raptors from another time swoop down and carry them off? Does one of the adults, sick to death of all that screwing around, take them out behind a boulder and smack the living Gamboling out of them? Is this all a load of crap?

That ‘s why the researchers here at The Institute have applied for a federal grant to study this problem. In the mean time while we’re waiting to see if we scored big on this one or not, and finally gotten one of those big old free money deals, we are duty bound to help these poor defenseless lambs. Consequently we have started a 12 step program we call “Gambolers Anonymous” (Hi, I’m Billy and I’m a Gamboler. Hi Billy.) that will hopefully help those afflicted lambs break this vicious chain of events and live to be a staid old boring Mountain Goat that we all know and love.

You can help too. Instead of just sitting there like a big lump, jump up, find your wallet and simply send in as much money as possible, preferably in large unmarked bills, or Krugerrands, yes Krugerrands would be much better, to The Institute and we’ll get right to work solving this problem and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that all that old unused money you have laying about will be put to good work. And…. untold numbers of cute little lambs will have the chance to reach adulthood. That ought to make you feel good. And as always, thank you for your support.

* Although they did have a fascinating interview with the person whose Grandmother had Bigfoot’s baby.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.