Grizzly Yellowstone

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own Home and Personal Security service !!!

With Home Invasions on the rise and other threats to life and property happening daily it’s no wonder people are jumpy and armed. But being armed isn’t the total solution. You have to sleep sometime and while you’re sleeping bad things can happen. That’s where this gift starts to shine. This security service is a complete and total protection plan. While you and your loved ones are peacefully asleep our trained operatives patrol your property, constantly on the lookout for bad people thinking about doing bad things or any thing else that is edible.

No more Home Invasions! NO more people coming in and messing with your Xbox, or that Faberge egg on the mantle. If you’ve been plagued with Home Invasions lately, with our service they stop immediately as the perpetrators never reach your front door!

No more clandestine Meth Labs set up in your garage while you’re out for the evening. The sensitive noses of our trained operatives can sniff out Meth from miles away. Not only do the cooks cease their operations but their equipment is not salvageable after our personnel is through disassembling it. In fact neither are the cooks.

Neighbor’s dog leaving little gifts in your expensive landscaping? Not any more.

Rest easy and be the envy of your friends and neighbors as you live a crime free life style. Feel safe on your property again knowing you can safely use your yard and pool without fear. (Note: use included whistle provided as you leave your dwelling to prevent misunderstandings)

This is a leased service with programs available by the month or year. We have only four personnel available at this time due to the increased demand for home protection. Our certified operatives, each one a federally tagged and certified American Grizzly bear (Contrary to rumors we do not use Canadian Grizzly bears) from various locations around the country. We are able to obtain these individuals because of their inability to conform to Federal and State regulations regarding human interaction. These individuals are highly trained with one of them a former Blackwater employee and the others were involved in securing some of our better known National parks.

Choose between Huey, Dewey, Louie and Maurice. Each has individual talents that are tailored to your special needs and property. Note: Huey and Dewey should not be selected to patrol the same property as they have had territorial issues in the past. Also Maurice is not recommended for families with children or small pets.

Give the gift of safety. This service is perfect for the shut-in or that elderly individual that can not leave the house often. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that your loved ones are safe and secure as long as they stay indoors and keep away from any open windows.

Ordering is easy. Just call *The Institute’s 800 number to have our trainers bring out the individual of your choice to familiarize them with your property’s boundaries. Please have any individuals who might ever visit your home on hand for a meet and greet with our operative and you’re set to go.

Items Included: whistle, (extra whistles available at nominal cost) leash, bells for homeowners to wear so as not to startle operative, Please specify bell colors, aqua, mauve, fire engine red, American school bus yellow, and black. Other colors by request. Manual on DVD for handy viewing, laminated printed card with command phrases allowing interaction with operative. Special note: Never use the phrase “Bad Bear! No!” this does not provide the desired response.

Optional items: 6000 lbs. high quality organic bear food, tuff-shed for food storage, 55 gal. drum pepper spray with handy pour spout, 16,000 volt temporary electric fencing with generator, installation not included, and Day-Glo orange signage warning trespasser’s that you have a security service at work, extra whistles.

HOME SECURITY PROTECTION SERVICE   $111,000.00 per month Order Now ! For a Safe Holiday. Please read disclaimer below before ordering our service.

Disclaimer: Service payment to be made one month in advance and is not refundable. Due to the volatile and uncertain nature of personal protection and security work the Institute cannot be held responsible for accidental death or dismemberment, lawsuits stemming from accidental death or dismemberment, phone charges pertaining to said lawsuits, property damage, disposal charges for human remains, disposal charges for animal remains, dry cleaning or replacement of clothing in the advent it cannot be cleaned, damage to vehicles, catastrophic damage to reputation or loss of quality of life issues, objectionable odors, conflicts arising from interaction with city, county, state or federal officials, damage to home or property from gunshots, flash and bang grenades, or battering rams, postage reimbursement for cease and desist letters, or acts of god and or nature. Lessee’s are expected to have adequate health, property, hazard and catastrophic insurance and will be asked to provide same before any lease can be signed.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

This entry was posted in Re-Published, The Institute and tagged American School Bus yellow, Blackwater employee, Christmas, clandestine Meth Labs, fire engine red, high quality organic bear food, Home and Personal Security service, Home Invasions, patrol your property, protection plan, safety, security service, The Institute, Top Ten Gifts, trained operatives by Dwight Lutsey. Bookmark the permalink.