Category Archives: General Posts

Girls Who Bake

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Everyone had a job to do around the fort. It wasn’t a hobby or a pastime it was a responsibility and it started early. Young people were taught a necessary skill, actually many of them, and became very proficient with them. As roles were defined at that time, girls learned the domestic skills necessary to run a home and family, and boys hunted and fished and developed their own particular set of skills. Things may be different in these modern times but back then that was how it was.

Girls, or young women like these, performed a very necessary function even at a young age as you can see by the wonderful loaves of bread and other baked goods they created on their own with little adult supervision. Their accomplishments with what seem to us very limited tools are amazing and no wonder they were very proud of their abilities, as well they should be. Girls who bake, another example of life in the 1800’s.

In Need Of Some Preachin’

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Life was fragile in the old west. You could die from damn near anything and people did. From the simplest fever that turned into your last cough, to being on the receiving end of an errant bullet. Infant mortality was high and old age meant you were nearing your late 40’s. All of this put a man in mind of his own mortality and what could he do to make sure he eased out of it in a manner that gave him the best chance at whatever was next in store for him.

Everybody read the good book, those that could read of course, and those that couldn’t, got read to. But to really cement the deal one had to attend church. That’s where you made sure you got put on the right trail towards salvation and redemption. This was extremely important because you were alive for a while but dead a long time, and those with the ability to look forward at all realized you better get your ducks in a row if you were going to be one of those that made it to the pearly gates and had a ticket to get in.

As you approached those lofty heights of your late 40’s and later and saw that there was going to be an end to being here on this mortal coil you took steps, and those steps were making sure you attended church whenever you could. No matter how you lived your life up to this point you still had the chance of grabbing the gold ring piety-wise if you put some effort into it. Plus some times you just needed some preachin’. You went in, sat down and put all earthly thoughts away and proceeded to make whatever deal you could make to assure you wouldn’t be headed the wrong way and wind up where that no good, louse ridden, son of a very bad woman that stole your horse was going.

Cheek turning aside, you would work on that forgiveness thing if it meant easing your way to the right path. That was one of the benefits of churching. You could work through some of those things. And if you sort of shot the guy who stole your horse cause he really, really needed shooting, then of course you were absolutely in need of some preachin’ and if you were lucky you stayed above ground long enough to make up for it. After all what counts is what you are at the end.

Ridge Riders

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The sun is brutally hot without a hint of a breeze to break the heat rising from the baked earth. The riders ride single file, both man and beast constantly watching for danger. The only sounds to be heard are the occasional hoof hitting a rock and the creak of saddle leather as the riders weight shifts forward from climbing up the ridge. This is dangerous country. Everybody in the party but especially the lead rider is constantly on the alert for the slightest sign that something might not be right. A broken branch on a rabbit bush, a rock laying wrong on the trail, a ravens alarm call plus a 6th sense that something’s not right, any or all of these things could spell disaster for the troop if not observed and taken into account. These are old hands in this country and not likely to be caught unaware. This isn’t the first ridge they’ve ridden and if they’re careful it won’t be their last.

Abigail and Issac

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Ft. Uncompahgre was not a fortified fort in the sense that it had big thick adobe walls like Old Bent’s fort down the trail a ways. It was mostly a place where trading could take place, things could be stored, families could live in the surrounding area while the men were off doing a job of work, and due to its good relations with their neighbors a pretty safe place to live.

Which meant that there were mothers and children there much of the time. When you added their small voices and activities to the work-a-day mix you had a lively place whose bustle and excitement were constant. There were quiet times too, times when you just grabbed one of little ones and took a rest from everything around you. That’s what Abigail and Issac are doing at this moment.

An Announcement

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Somewhere in a very dark place resides any numbers of computer gods, digital demons and malevolent entities that lay in wait for the perfect moment to exercise their creative mayhem at my and possibly your expense. That is if you use a computer for any reason.

This usually coincides with my level of contentment at the time. If things have been going along swimmingly for too long I am at much greater risk of attracting their attention and giving them pause to notice me again. However, having said that, if things are really in the crapper, I mean rock bottom, OMG, what did I do in some past life to deserve this, they will often pile on and add to the misery just to see how much it takes to break my spirit totally.

This time they decided to mess with my blog, BigShotsNow. After a mandatory update to the inner workings of the code that runs this show they added a few little embellishments that would take hours upon hours off my life trying to figure out, let alone repair the damage..

Such as simply not allowing me to access the blog, period, I was locked out like totally. Then once that was resolved, I couldn’t get the images to load properly. After much inventive head banging I could finally post in what I thought was a normal fashion only to find out that those who shall not be named had locked up my total subscription list so that even tho I was posting the days post the emails that notify you, the people I do this for, were not getting sent the emails letting you know there was a new post. So from Nov 26 until Dec 22 no emails were sent. This may have been happening sporadically before then but I have no way of knowing how much or when. After a lengthy time speaking to all my new friends in Manila where my call center was located, I began to feel comfortable in Tagalog their native language (Mabuhay everyone). However with no results that fixed the problem.

Finally, doing what no sane person should ever do, I ventured into the inner workings of the blog where the holiest of holies resides, I’m talking about the code here that runs this whole enchilada. All those strings of incomprehensible characters that mean something to someone brilliant somewhere but are foreign to the normal unwashed laypeople who use this stuff, I found a little unchecked box. I checked it, and suddenly it allowed things to work again. That simple. But to be truthful I have no clue as to what I did or why it worked. All I know is that now the emails are flowing again like the pure rushing water out of the Well of Nazareth, so I will count it as, done, ok, get on with it, act like everything’s fine and post my little brains out.

Perhaps and most certainly this was way to much information and a normal person would have just said, “hey, it was broke. I fixed it.” and be done with it, as many of you know I can’t do that. But I wanted you to know what happened so you wouldn’t think I had abandoned you. You know, it’s Christmas, I wouldn’t do that. Hopefully things will go along as they’re supposed to but you and I know that’s wishful thinking. Anyway see you at the blog, Happy Holidays. Hopefully you’ll still get my emails.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift Selection # 1 – Your Very Own Tame Photographer

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Dwight Lutsey Photographer (shown here in untamed state) – At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase (or at least rent) your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “Go get’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special non-Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Minimum daily per diem of $11,431.19 required.  Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gifts #2 – Poison Dart Tree Frogs

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We have made one change in our gifts offered this year. In the spirit of the season and in keep with the thought of giving more this year to clean up some karmic imbalances that are lingering around the old fire pit we here at *The Institute have decided to replace the originally published #2 GIFT Item for you to choose, which as you remember was the famous 5lb. Ham from the great Polish joke about the guy that asked his boss for time off to attend a Polish wedding….. but unfortunately due to recent events in the world that joke is now considered to be way too out of line to put in a Christmas gift list and besides someone who shall not be named ate the ham in a fit of pique and all we’ve got left is the empty can, so sorry no Ham this year. But we have substituted something way better in its place. No, no, don’t thank us it’s our way of saying Thank you for your support during the past year.

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Give the gift that keeps on giving! Unique and exclusively available at *The Institute’s own Gift Shop, Catalog, and Screen Door Factory. 

 It’s our very Own Selection of

POISON DART TREE FROGS !!!

It’s that time of year again. You know, when you wrack your brain trying to find that perfect gift for those folks on your indigenous people’s list. We’ve all been through it. You’ve got those eight or nine people that are always so difficult to buy for. They’re in the jungles and backwaters of Guyana or Brazil or even the Amazon. They already have iPhone’s, large screen TV’s, Sam’s club gift cards. You’ve given those Nike T-shirts and matching flip-flops so many times the recipients look at you with that “Is this best you could do.” look and you’re ashamed to add one more set to their collection. What to give them that they’ll love and make a difference in their lives? We have the answer!

This year give them something they can really use. Poison Dart Tree Frogs!

That’s right, choose from our great selection of Poison Dart Tree frogs grown in our own highly restricted zoology labs here at *The Institute. We have a fantastic color selection and each frog has been force-fed specially formulated Poison Dart frog chow developed with our friends at Purina. These frogs are as deadly as they come. Those Howler monkeys will never know what hit them, but our friends down there in their snake-infested homes will. See the joy on their faces as it “Rains Howlers!” That’s right “Monkeys from the sky!” See the special glow on their faces as they use blowdarts dipped in their very own Poison Dart Tree Frog poison made from the sweat and other gooey secretions on these little frogs bodies. Watch as they build and customize their very own collection of Poison Dart Tree Frogs that you sent them. Remember, Give a man a dead Howler monkey and he will eat and perhaps become ill, but teach him how to make his own poison tipped blowgun darts and you will feed him forever.

Choose from the individuals pictured below. Buy just one or get the 3 pack so your gift-tee’s can mix and match their own specially customized toxic brew. They won’t be able to thank you enough.


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Item #8887PDF11-0-6 Dying Poison Dart Tree Frog. Known as “Kill Dat Monkey”. Yellow and black with Prussian blue feet. Native to northern South America. Toxicity rating 8.9 on the **HMM scale wgt: 1.73 troy ounces $2300.00 each. Limit 100 to each mailing address.

Item #3359PDF27-0-72 Orange Banded Poison Dart Tree Frog, Known as “Drop Them Loggers” Black with orange bands. Native to Guyana, South America.  Toxicity rating 11.4 on the HMM scale wgt. 96 troy ounces. This is our largest Poison Dart Tree Frog so we can only fit four in a box. $19.00 each limit 60 to each mailing address.

Item #5916PDF03-0-19 Purple, black, white, Poison Dart Tree Frog, native to West Hollywood, California, known as Lavender Lovelace for the deep-throated roar it produces right before expelling its poison. Toxicity rating 4.81 on the HMM scale wgt. .062 troy ounces. This is one of our smallest but easiest to use frogs. Due to its low toxicity it is perfect for children just starting out or feeble folks who tend to not know what they’re doing most of the time. Will burn the skin severely but it will not cause death if treated promptly. Must be used with adult supervision if purchased for minors. $81.00 each no limit

Note: These Poison Dart Tree Frogs are dangerous. Use at your own risk. We at The Institute accept no responsibility for misuse of this product. Children under 16 should have adult supervision. May cause skin cancer if applied to the body. May cause agony and death if ingested. Do not suck on the frogs attempting to “get high”, they are not hallucinogenic. Keeps frogs away from food preparation areas. Rinse dead Howler monkeys thoroughly before handling or consuming. Do not store poison in open containers or near fires. Do not rub poison on any part of body to enhance desire. It will have the opposite effect. Keep and read thoroughly all packing and care and feeding instructions for your Poison Dart Tree Frogs. If poison accidentally swallowed immediately find a clear space to lie down in free of any obstructions so your spasms and contortions will not cause property damage. Do not burn bodies of those killed by Poison Dart Tree Frog poison as ingesting the smoke may cause additional fatalities. Enjoy your new Poison Dart Frogs and Happy Holidays.

** HMM (Holy Moley Maynard) a scale developed here at The Institute to measure how fast something dangerous will affect you.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about The Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.