Category Archives: Animal Portraits

Night Terrors

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The herd had moved back into the low rolling hills surrounding the shallow water hole keeping just below the ridgeline and bunching up with the foals inside the outer ring for safety. They didn’t have many enemies but once in awhile a grey wolf down out of the McCullough Peaks range just to the North would take a run at a new foal so they were constantly on the alert. The wolves were over from the Yellowstone area to the West and although the pickings were good there once in a while an outcast or a young male looking for a mate would find his way over and young horse flesh was a real treat if he could manage it.

The herd stallions and there were three with this bunch were nervous, constantly checking the sky and smelling the air. Their ears forward, nostrils flared, seeking any sign of danger, constantly shifting and circling the mares who were bunched as tight as they could be, keeping them as centered as they could in case they had to be moved suddenly.

The skies had that leaden gray look, the clouds filled to the brim with water and pent up energy. Dry lightning had been flashing off in the distance and that made the herd nervous and skittish. Prairie fires racing along ahead of the wind had caught an unwary horse or colt before and the mares were concerned for the new foals who didn’t have the stamina to keep up if they had to run.

The storm had held off throughout the afternoon but suddenly broke with a furious violence right after darkness had set in. A lightning strike in the center of the herd was all it took for the herd to ignite into movement and scatter to the four corners, mares racing off into the darkness in all directions with their foals in tow, the stallions frantically trying to keep the group together, but it was a lost cause for the moment. Total fear and self preservation taking over all thoughts of herd discipline were gone. In its place was only the thought of getting away from the nearest dangers, a reaction to the night terrors that were a constant part of their lives on the open plains.

Packing The Donkey

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Fort Uncompahgre was a trading fort. it was built to handle the fur trade by being a way station of sorts, hence it’s lack of fortification. The walls were upright logs stuck in the ground and housed the necessary buildings inside to handle the business of trade. The traders store, the saddlery shop, an early version of a Starbucks, all the things the folks gathered around the fort needed were inside its walls. If there was danger of some sort you could get in there quick and shoot out from between the logs, but it was never built to stand up to any type of attack.

It was more of a mini-transportation hub where goods such as beaver hides, other types of furs and trade goods were temporarily stored before being sent on to the larger forts, or dispersed to customers further down the trail. Due to the fact that the internal combustion engine would not be invented for at least another hundred years, the primary form of drayage, the hauling of freight by other that humans carrying it on their backs, was by donkey and mule. Since there were few roads in the area and travel was primarily by trails which were often just rocky steep paths, donkeys and mules were the most efficient forms of haulage at your disposal, if you will.

Normally loading the donkey was pretty straightforward. You needed three guys for the task. One big guy to press down on the donkey’s back to keep it from unexpectedly leaping into the air ruining the plans to load it, another guy to lift the heavy bales of pressed furs to go on the donkeys back, and a third smaller guy to watch and take notes. And the donkey of course. Bales weighing tons of pounds were placed on the donkeys back until its legs just began to bow then tied tightly (the bales not the donkey’s legs) so they wouldn’t slip off if the donkey managed to be able to do anything but shuffle forward. That’s why the big guy was needed as some donkeys would be aware of this whole loading and walking thing and would try to avoid it by hiding, playing dead, disguising itself as a large neighborhood dog, or the tried and true method of leaping into the air unexpectedly until the traders gave up in disgust and went to storehouse for some whiskey.

The donkey above is a new donkey and hasn’t learned any of those tricks yet, but the men are taking no chances anyway. Once the bales are loaded on its back there’s none of this leaping up in the air and so on. It’ll be lucky its legs stay on or don’t sink into the ground. These were considered the short haul vehicles of the day as they were easily maneuvered thru tight canyons, up rocky ledges, down boulder strewn paths and able to take very tight turns with ease. All in all the best choice for this type of freighting.

An Announcement

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Somewhere in a very dark place resides any numbers of computer gods, digital demons and malevolent entities that lay in wait for the perfect moment to exercise their creative mayhem at my and possibly your expense. That is if you use a computer for any reason.

This usually coincides with my level of contentment at the time. If things have been going along swimmingly for too long I am at much greater risk of attracting their attention and giving them pause to notice me again. However, having said that, if things are really in the crapper, I mean rock bottom, OMG, what did I do in some past life to deserve this, they will often pile on and add to the misery just to see how much it takes to break my spirit totally.

This time they decided to mess with my blog, BigShotsNow. After a mandatory update to the inner workings of the code that runs this show they added a few little embellishments that would take hours upon hours off my life trying to figure out, let alone repair the damage..

Such as simply not allowing me to access the blog, period, I was locked out like totally. Then once that was resolved, I couldn’t get the images to load properly. After much inventive head banging I could finally post in what I thought was a normal fashion only to find out that those who shall not be named had locked up my total subscription list so that even tho I was posting the days post the emails that notify you, the people I do this for, were not getting sent the emails letting you know there was a new post. So from Nov 26 until Dec 22 no emails were sent. This may have been happening sporadically before then but I have no way of knowing how much or when. After a lengthy time speaking to all my new friends in Manila where my call center was located, I began to feel comfortable in Tagalog their native language (Mabuhay everyone). However with no results that fixed the problem.

Finally, doing what no sane person should ever do, I ventured into the inner workings of the blog where the holiest of holies resides, I’m talking about the code here that runs this whole enchilada. All those strings of incomprehensible characters that mean something to someone brilliant somewhere but are foreign to the normal unwashed laypeople who use this stuff, I found a little unchecked box. I checked it, and suddenly it allowed things to work again. That simple. But to be truthful I have no clue as to what I did or why it worked. All I know is that now the emails are flowing again like the pure rushing water out of the Well of Nazareth, so I will count it as, done, ok, get on with it, act like everything’s fine and post my little brains out.

Perhaps and most certainly this was way to much information and a normal person would have just said, “hey, it was broke. I fixed it.” and be done with it, as many of you know I can’t do that. But I wanted you to know what happened so you wouldn’t think I had abandoned you. You know, it’s Christmas, I wouldn’t do that. Hopefully things will go along as they’re supposed to but you and I know that’s wishful thinking. Anyway see you at the blog, Happy Holidays. Hopefully you’ll still get my emails.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gifts #2 – Poison Dart Tree Frogs

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We have made one change in our gifts offered this year. In the spirit of the season and in keep with the thought of giving more this year to clean up some karmic imbalances that are lingering around the old fire pit we here at *The Institute have decided to replace the originally published #2 GIFT Item for you to choose, which as you remember was the famous 5lb. Ham from the great Polish joke about the guy that asked his boss for time off to attend a Polish wedding….. but unfortunately due to recent events in the world that joke is now considered to be way too out of line to put in a Christmas gift list and besides someone who shall not be named ate the ham in a fit of pique and all we’ve got left is the empty can, so sorry no Ham this year. But we have substituted something way better in its place. No, no, don’t thank us it’s our way of saying Thank you for your support during the past year.

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Give the gift that keeps on giving! Unique and exclusively available at *The Institute’s own Gift Shop, Catalog, and Screen Door Factory. 

 It’s our very Own Selection of

POISON DART TREE FROGS !!!

It’s that time of year again. You know, when you wrack your brain trying to find that perfect gift for those folks on your indigenous people’s list. We’ve all been through it. You’ve got those eight or nine people that are always so difficult to buy for. They’re in the jungles and backwaters of Guyana or Brazil or even the Amazon. They already have iPhone’s, large screen TV’s, Sam’s club gift cards. You’ve given those Nike T-shirts and matching flip-flops so many times the recipients look at you with that “Is this best you could do.” look and you’re ashamed to add one more set to their collection. What to give them that they’ll love and make a difference in their lives? We have the answer!

This year give them something they can really use. Poison Dart Tree Frogs!

That’s right, choose from our great selection of Poison Dart Tree frogs grown in our own highly restricted zoology labs here at *The Institute. We have a fantastic color selection and each frog has been force-fed specially formulated Poison Dart frog chow developed with our friends at Purina. These frogs are as deadly as they come. Those Howler monkeys will never know what hit them, but our friends down there in their snake-infested homes will. See the joy on their faces as it “Rains Howlers!” That’s right “Monkeys from the sky!” See the special glow on their faces as they use blowdarts dipped in their very own Poison Dart Tree Frog poison made from the sweat and other gooey secretions on these little frogs bodies. Watch as they build and customize their very own collection of Poison Dart Tree Frogs that you sent them. Remember, Give a man a dead Howler monkey and he will eat and perhaps become ill, but teach him how to make his own poison tipped blowgun darts and you will feed him forever.

Choose from the individuals pictured below. Buy just one or get the 3 pack so your gift-tee’s can mix and match their own specially customized toxic brew. They won’t be able to thank you enough.


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Item #8887PDF11-0-6 Dying Poison Dart Tree Frog. Known as “Kill Dat Monkey”. Yellow and black with Prussian blue feet. Native to northern South America. Toxicity rating 8.9 on the **HMM scale wgt: 1.73 troy ounces $2300.00 each. Limit 100 to each mailing address.

Item #3359PDF27-0-72 Orange Banded Poison Dart Tree Frog, Known as “Drop Them Loggers” Black with orange bands. Native to Guyana, South America.  Toxicity rating 11.4 on the HMM scale wgt. 96 troy ounces. This is our largest Poison Dart Tree Frog so we can only fit four in a box. $19.00 each limit 60 to each mailing address.

Item #5916PDF03-0-19 Purple, black, white, Poison Dart Tree Frog, native to West Hollywood, California, known as Lavender Lovelace for the deep-throated roar it produces right before expelling its poison. Toxicity rating 4.81 on the HMM scale wgt. .062 troy ounces. This is one of our smallest but easiest to use frogs. Due to its low toxicity it is perfect for children just starting out or feeble folks who tend to not know what they’re doing most of the time. Will burn the skin severely but it will not cause death if treated promptly. Must be used with adult supervision if purchased for minors. $81.00 each no limit

Note: These Poison Dart Tree Frogs are dangerous. Use at your own risk. We at The Institute accept no responsibility for misuse of this product. Children under 16 should have adult supervision. May cause skin cancer if applied to the body. May cause agony and death if ingested. Do not suck on the frogs attempting to “get high”, they are not hallucinogenic. Keeps frogs away from food preparation areas. Rinse dead Howler monkeys thoroughly before handling or consuming. Do not store poison in open containers or near fires. Do not rub poison on any part of body to enhance desire. It will have the opposite effect. Keep and read thoroughly all packing and care and feeding instructions for your Poison Dart Tree Frogs. If poison accidentally swallowed immediately find a clear space to lie down in free of any obstructions so your spasms and contortions will not cause property damage. Do not burn bodies of those killed by Poison Dart Tree Frog poison as ingesting the smoke may cause additional fatalities. Enjoy your new Poison Dart Frogs and Happy Holidays.

** HMM (Holy Moley Maynard) a scale developed here at The Institute to measure how fast something dangerous will affect you.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about The Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Countdown Gift Selction # 4 – Bird Of The Month Club

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Xmas7Golden4904

Captive Golden Eagle

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

*The Institutes Own Bird of the Month Club!!!

Here’s something truly different for that often fussy hard to shop for person on your gift list. Give them a membership to our exclusive Bird of the Month club. They’ll have you to thank as each month, regular as clockwork, the Fed-ex guy shows up at their doorstep with that months selection of exotic if not threatened species. All birds are guaranteed to arrive alive, healthy and hungry, with full documentation as to country of origin, quarantine papers, customs declarations and care and feeding instructions. Note: our birds are guaranteed to be alive upon delivery, unlike the parrots that were imported from England in the 60’s that arrived as, well, dead parrots.

This has been a very successful program for us with satisfied customers in nearly every state. Imagine the fun as you wait for the Fed-ex delivery of each new months selection. Not only will the kids will be out of their excited sugar fried brains, but you will be too, as you wait for each month’s unique delivery. We can tell you the types of birds you will be receiving during the year but it will be a surprise as to which individual species you get each month.

This month’s selection has already been chosen and as you can see it is the beautiful American Golden Eagle. Imagine owning your very own Golden Eagle! This bird had recently been flying free over the Rocky mountains, hunting its prey, the Snowshoe hare or the wily Hoary Marmot or the occasional Shih Tzu, and through a special arrangement with the Department of the Interior we are able to trap them (using a patented humane Leg and Beak restraint system we developed here at the Institute) re-educate them and sedate them with FDA approved “EagleDown”  a mild tranquilizer we use to make the birds manageable while we do stuff to them.

Birds arrive at your doorstep in a humane carton, ready to be unpacked and placed in their new surroundings. Simply remove the bird, dispose of the packing pellets and snip the military grade zip-ties with heavy-duty wire cutters (not included), remove the eye patches and quickly but firmly stuff the bird into its new cast iron home, a 2′ x 3′ cast iron cage constructed out of 3/4″ rebar and welded tightly by trained free-range welders. Cage optional at small extra cost. Note: on some of the larger, more aggressive species you may choose to reverse the unpacking order. Note: Allow 7-14 days for sedative to wear off before handling birds. Carabao (water buffalo) hide gloves highly recommended, optional and available for a small extra cost. If cage is not purchased we recommend chaining bird to heavy door frame, oak or heavy fire resistant metal best. Have children stay back at least 3′ from chained bird during birds waking hours.

Use caution when throwing live rabbits, (our eagles primary food) at them during feeding times. Eagles fiercely protect their food and will attack anyone coming close. Restrain children with fuzzy furry slippers from approaching eagle. There have been some unfortunate incidents reported. Live rabbits, or bunnies as they’re known in the United States, or hares as our friends in the U.K. call them, are available from our catalog at a small extra charge. Flemish Giant Rabbits also available by special order. Each Flemish Giant rabbit is a four day supply of food for your Eagle. Special pricing if rabbits are ordered around Easter. Choose our ‘Year’s Supply’ in special garage-ready storage unit.

This years exciting selection of species include the European Wood Stork, the very one that delivers all those European babies, the feisty but lovable Caracara, a South American eagle, (wear protective eyewear around this eagles razor sharp beak) the Dipper or Ouzel for those with garden ponds, our choice of either a Great, Barred, or Barn owl, Sorry no Snowy’s this year. We were unable to come to an agreement with the Canadian government over our trapping methods.

New this year, the Black-Browed Albatross, usually a long oceanic flier but we have modified the feather patterns on either wing so they simply loop around your yard in a delightful but small radius circle. (your choice of either left or right wing. Do not choose both wings option as the bird then will just sit on the edge of the pond in a non-flying state) Perfect for those with small garden ponds. 100′ of 600lb. test monofilament “TetherSafe” line available for small extra cost. Monofilament line is transparent so it looks like bird is flying free. Note: Monofilament line Recommended in ‘High Wind’ states, Wyoming, Maine, Southern California, Northern Colorado, all Gulf states, lower Eastern seaboard and the occasional hurricane targeted Southern state, plus any other area where wind regularly exceeds 85mph to keep bird from being blown into another state or country due to unlikely line breakage.  Another new choice is the Snail-eating Limpkin, another treat for the indoor or outdoor gardener. We’ve included the Vermillion Flycatcher, great for shut-ins and apartment dwellers. No more flyswatters for you!

A perennial favorite and recently brought back to our collection by special agreement with the Egyptian government, we proudly offer the classic White Ibis, long a favorite of those pert but sassy pyramid builders. Our new and improved variety no longer needs to be near major architecture. (Our Ibis is most comfortable around homes of 7500′ to 12,000 square feet, but have been known to survive around upgraded mobile homes. This selection replaces the Roseate Spoonbill we normally have on hand. Due to a diet change imposed on the spoonbills by the Florida division of Wildlife the Roseate Spoonbills’ color has turned from its usual lovely rose color to a muddy dull maroon with green highlights, quite below our standards.

We round out the selections with our usual, Western Tanager, Emu, African Bee eater, and the always popular, Scarlett Macaw.

Bird of the Month Club Membership 12.95 per month plus shipping and handling

Availability: In Stock

Note: Due to fluctuations in the world market, revolts, coups and general unrest, customs intercessions, organized disapproval of our practices, or lack of funds to complete the program we may at our discretion substitute a realistic life-like hand-painted reproduction of the common sparrow, or even a slightly faded photograph of same if our monthly choice of species is unavailable.

This is one of our least expensive gift programs selected this year but we’re sure you’ll agree it’s certainly one of our most unique. We can offer this program at such a low price because of the huge volume we do in the licit trade of relocating animals and birds around the globe. You may also wish to explore our trial program of “Ducks of the Month” club and new this year “African Predators of the Month” club, this should be an exciting program. Order soon!! Order Often!!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 7 – Angler’s Drone

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patterned after an Osprey – Northern Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed  solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

New and Improved ! Now With LED’s and Specially Designed Li-ion batteries.

Can be controlled by your iPhone, iPad, Voice, or American Sign Language.

It’s Our Newest and Greatest Angler’s Drone!!!

Here’s the perfect gift for that hard to buy for fisherman on your gift list. The Angler’s Drone, his very own fish catching drone!

Is your angler often lucky at love but sucks at fishing? Does he come home tired and dejected, feeling like he’s a failure as a man because he can’t outwit a stupid fish? Well now here’s your big chance to give him back his self-confidence and put that spring back in his Bass rod. Get him his own remote control Angler’s Drone programmed with our exclusive patented algorithm ( *The Institute’s Exclusive)  guaranteed to catch the lunkers in his favorite fishing hole.

Unlike other lesser quality Fish Catching Drones ours works! Our patented program uses a combination of mathematical calculations, satellite information, NOAA recommended tide tables, Poor Richards Almanac moon schedules, opinions from local successful fishermen, and a random good luck generator, all coupled with the best technology money can buy to give him fool-proof angling success. We are so confident of the drones ability to catch those giant fish that we offer a iron-clad, money back, no questions asked possibility of a refund if you’re not completely satisfied with your purchase. (some restrictions apply**)

Our drone is manufactured in one of the best drone assembly factories in Taiwan and utilizes top quality materials and high tech programs such as Infrared Eyes, last years declassified cruise missile guidance systems, unbreakable polycast high-density resin wing struts with the latest silk-hardened pre-cast feathers attached with super-strength, heat sealed adhesion to survive those high-speed dives into rough water and uncrackable encrypted electronics to prevent jamming from nearby envious fisherman or lurking wildlife officers.

Propulsion comes from our own unique proprietary CO2 BLAAATZ  Jet-
Go™ release system. Flights of up to 45 seconds are available on one 4 oz. cylinder of inexpensive non-polluting CO2 power cylinders and up to 17 minutes on one 6lb CO2 cylinder, optional, not included. Use the easy glide lubricant to allow for trouble-free insertion of power supply, toss the drone into a mild headwind and you’re fishing. It’s that easy! Simple guidance commands can be shouted up to the drone where it’s proprietary “I can hear you now” audio technology, exclusive to this product, provides exceptional control over your speeding drone.

Availability: In Stock

Colors: Camo, Natural, Pink with friendship anklets on talons, space for up to 16 letters for personalization, our new color this year, Stealth blue which is nearly invisible against the sky, fish can’t see drone coming, and black.

Angler’s Drone $3995.95

Extra 6lb CO2 bottles 64.95 each or buy the handy U-Totem 6-pack and save. Drone shipped unassembled, easily reassembled using common household tools. ( Must have access to Tig welder, centrifuge, coke-fired drying oven and Phillips screwdriver.)

Must be 18 or older with valid drone license to order. Not to be used near airports, government facilities that utilize deadly force, nudist colonies, Skeet shooting ranges, any type of correctional facility, or at an altitude higher than 3500′. Not to be used for surveillance or to lift any object over 40 lbs. Do not use this unit to give small children “rides”, this is not safe. CO2 cylinders must be properly disposed of.  Do not incinerate.  Do not allow propulsion vent at rear of unit to become clogged or plugged. Keep hands, eyes or lips well away from propulsion vent. Replace CO2 cylinder after every immersion. Wear industrial strength rubber gloves as lubricant is Corrosive. Lubricant is Non-Edible and should not be used for any other purpose of any kind. We mean it! This stuff is toxic. Excessive use of lubricant may cause burning of the eyes, nose or lips and cylinder to be expelled during flight. Performance may become erratic if submerged for more than two hours.  All audible commands must be given in a clear unaccented voice within 30′ of unit. Not responsible for drones lost due to inadequate volume or stuttering. Due to unit being able to reach speeds in excess of 220mph it is not recommended to try to “catch” returning units. Always operate unit in a responsible manner. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.
** Some restrictions apply. What! Do you think we’re crazy? Read the small print. All restrictions apply, everyone of them. There are so many we don’t even have room to list them all. I wouldn’t even think of trying to get any money back if I were you. By the time we get done dragging you through the wringer you’ll be paying us just to shut this whole mess down.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Countdown Selection #8 – Home and Personal Security service

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Grizzly Yellowstone

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own Home and Personal Security service !!!

With Home Invasions on the rise and other threats to life and property happening daily it’s no wonder people are jumpy and armed. But being armed isn’t the total solution. You have to sleep sometime and while you’re sleeping bad things can happen. That’s where this gift starts to shine. This security service is a complete and total protection plan. While you and your loved ones are peacefully asleep our trained operatives patrol your property, constantly on the lookout for bad people thinking about doing bad things or any thing else that is edible.

No more Home Invasions! NO more people coming in and messing with your Xbox, or that Faberge egg on the mantle. If you’ve been plagued with Home Invasions lately, with our service they stop immediately as the perpetrators never reach your front door!

No more clandestine Meth Labs set up in your garage while you’re out for the evening. The sensitive noses of our trained operatives can sniff out Meth from miles away. Not only do the cooks cease their operations but their equipment is not salvageable after our personnel is through disassembling it. In fact neither are the cooks.

Neighbor’s dog leaving little gifts in your expensive landscaping? Not any more.

Rest easy and be the envy of your friends and neighbors as you live a crime free life style. Feel safe on your property again knowing you can safely use your yard and pool without fear. (Note: use included whistle provided as you leave your dwelling to prevent misunderstandings)

This is a leased service with programs available by the month or year. We have only four personnel available at this time due to the increased demand for home protection. Our certified operatives, each one a federally tagged and certified American Grizzly bear (Contrary to rumors we do not use Canadian Grizzly bears) from various locations around the country. We are able to obtain these individuals because of their inability to conform to Federal and State regulations regarding human interaction. These individuals are highly trained with one of them a former Blackwater employee and the others were involved in securing some of our better known National parks.

Choose between Huey, Dewey, Louie and Maurice. Each has individual talents that are tailored to your special needs and property. Note: Huey and Dewey should not be selected to patrol the same property as they have had territorial issues in the past. Also Maurice is not recommended for families with children or small pets.

Give the gift of safety. This service is perfect for the shut-in or that elderly individual that can not leave the house often. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that your loved ones are safe and secure as long as they stay indoors and keep away from any open windows.

Ordering is easy. Just call *The Institute’s 800 number to have our trainers bring out the individual of your choice to familiarize them with your property’s boundaries. Please have any individuals who might ever visit your home on hand for a meet and greet with our operative and you’re set to go.

Items Included: whistle, (extra whistles available at nominal cost) leash, bells for homeowners to wear so as not to startle operative, Please specify bell colors, aqua, mauve, fire engine red, American school bus yellow, and black. Other colors by request. Manual on DVD for handy viewing, laminated printed card with command phrases allowing interaction with operative. Special note: Never use the phrase “Bad Bear! No!” this does not provide the desired response.

Optional items: 6000 lbs. high quality organic bear food, tuff-shed for food storage, 55 gal. drum pepper spray with handy pour spout, 16,000 volt temporary electric fencing with generator, installation not included, and Day-Glo orange signage warning trespasser’s that you have a security service at work, extra whistles.

HOME SECURITY PROTECTION SERVICE   $111,000.00 per month Order Now ! For a Safe Holiday. Please read disclaimer below before ordering our service.

Disclaimer: Service payment to be made one month in advance and is not refundable. Due to the volatile and uncertain nature of personal protection and security work the Institute cannot be held responsible for accidental death or dismemberment, lawsuits stemming from accidental death or dismemberment, phone charges pertaining to said lawsuits, property damage, disposal charges for human remains, disposal charges for animal remains, dry cleaning or replacement of clothing in the advent it cannot be cleaned, damage to vehicles, catastrophic damage to reputation or loss of quality of life issues, objectionable odors, conflicts arising from interaction with city, county, state or federal officials, damage to home or property from gunshots, flash and bang grenades, or battering rams, postage reimbursement for cease and desist letters, or acts of god and or nature. Lessee’s are expected to have adequate health, property, hazard and catastrophic insurance and will be asked to provide same before any lease can be signed.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

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