Christmas Top Ten Gift Countdown Selection # 6 – An Animatronic Holiday Drummer

Posted on December 18, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a ~~half-assed~~ solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

*The Institute is proud to present our very own Exclusive Item for the Holidays the

Animatronic Holiday Drummer !!!

This life-like weather-proof animatronic drummer will be the hit of the holiday season when you place it at your front door to announce your visitors arrival. Sensors buried in the street, your front walk, on your mailbox post and other landmarks available, up to a third of a mile away will trigger the Animatronic Drummer’s greeting. Your personal drummer is programmed to play Christmas favorites such as “Silent Night”, “Little Drummer Person”, “Hey Santa, Whatcha Got For Me, babe”, and many others all played with a resounding beat that carries for blocks. Your neighbors will enjoy this holiday surprise along with you to make the festivities even merrier.

Constructed from space age materials and covered with our own exclusive ‘ACCU_SKIN’ this animatronic joy is guaranteed to last for many seasons to come. Powered by 1100 D cell batteries cunningly hidden inside the authentic looking drum, it will play for hours before batteries need to be replaced. (batteries not included).

True to life animation, eyes glow intensely during performance, eye colors available; camo, blue, brown, green and hazel, clothing may be changed for seasonal appearances, Cherry blossom festival attire shown, see additional choices below. Kevlar drum head, Drum sticks manufactured from humanely harvested, sustainable forests in Sustainableland, proper documentation available. As an added bonus, voice greeting may be played as visitors approach, “Howdy Stranger! Whadja Bring Me?” is preloaded but many additional phrases available at a small extra charge.

Animatronic Holiday Drummer $ 12,000.00

Availability: In Stock order by November 1st to guarantee Christmas delivery

Shipped unassembled, Constructed with our exclusive patented “Easy Make” system. Quickly goes together in a few hours using common household tools. Manual included **; assembler must be able to read Mandarin. The Institutes own “BabbleClear” translation available for small extra charge. Made in China.

Available songs: Night Train, Trailers for Sale or Rent, In A Godda Da Vida, Pachelbel’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, It Rained The Day My Ma Got Out of Prison, anything by Ray Charles, Olatunji’s Songs of Africa, Sakura Cherry blossom Song, Theme from Mickey Mouse Club, Hey Santa, Whatcha Got For Me, babe, The Greatest Hits of Buddy Rich, A Lion Sleeps Tonight, and The Westminster Chimes. Other songs available for small extra charge, allow 12-16 weeks for programming.

Available Outfits: Change often to add to the current holiday theme: Christmas Elf, Pilgrim, The Great Pumpkin, French Maid, Green Bay Packers Cheerleader, Nurse, Haughty but Available Corporate CEO, TV Weather Girl, TV Weather Boy, IRS Tax Auditor, Hippie, Hooters Shift Manager, and Roller Derby Queen. Other outfits available for small extra charge. All clothing manufactured from Flame Retardant, Ripstop Nylon in an ethical third world country by workers guaranteed to be 7 years old or older in a semi-smoke-free environment.

Shipping: Item shipped using all methods available USPS, Fed-Ex, Mark’s Bully Boy Scooter Service, Lufthansa Air Freight, Garden Jimmie’s Café and package forwarding service, (this service not available in Alabama, Northern Wisconsin or any red state) InstaCart Grocery Delivery and Package handling, or Greyhound Package Express for a small extra charge. The 31 parcels that make up this shipment may be shipped by any or all of these services at the same time. In order to keep freight charges down to a reasonable limit each of the 31 packages have been limited to 80 lbs. or less. Please make certain all packages have arrived before attempting construction of your life-like weather-proof animatronic drummer to avoid confusion. Next day delivery available at a small extra charge.

** Addendum. Sample page from Assembly manual: Small tool used to eye insertion make gleeful yet happy left out from kit contains tools helpful to plastic bag within. Please to use melon baller or lightly applied teaspoon as correctable substitute greasily as also lard if substitute to switch merrily colored eyes necessary perhaps. Note: Mandarin translation made possible by The Institutes own patented but trademarked encrypted algorithm to make possible reading in English. Entire translated manual from Mandarin to English available using “BabbleClear“ for small extra charge.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 7 – Angler’s Drone

Posted on December 17, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

patterned after an Osprey – Northern Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a ~~half-assed~~ solemn tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

New and Improved ! Now With LED’s and Specially Designed Li-ion batteries.

Can be controlled by your iPhone, iPad, Voice, or American Sign Language.

It’s Our Newest and Greatest Angler’s Drone!!!

Here’s the perfect gift for that hard to buy for fisherman on your gift list. The Angler’s Drone, his very own fish catching drone!

Is your angler often lucky at love but sucks at fishing? Does he come home tired and dejected, feeling like he’s a failure as a man because he can’t outwit a stupid fish? Well now here’s your big chance to give him back his self-confidence and put that spring back in his Bass rod. Get him his own remote control Angler’s Drone programmed with our exclusive patented algorithm ( *The Institute’s Exclusive) guaranteed to catch the lunkers in his favorite fishing hole.

Unlike other lesser quality Fish Catching Drones ours works! Our patented program uses a combination of mathematical calculations, satellite information, NOAA recommended tide tables, Poor Richards Almanac moon schedules, opinions from local successful fishermen, and a random good luck generator, all coupled with the best technology money can buy to give him fool-proof angling success. We are so confident of the drones ability to catch those giant fish that we offer a iron-clad, money back, no questions asked possibility of a refund if you’re not completely satisfied with your purchase. (some restrictions apply**)

Our drone is manufactured in one of the best drone assembly factories in Taiwan and utilizes top quality materials and high tech programs such as Infrared Eyes, last years declassified cruise missile guidance systems, unbreakable polycast high-density resin wing struts with the latest silk-hardened pre-cast feathers attached with super-strength, heat sealed adhesion to survive those high-speed dives into rough water and uncrackable encrypted electronics to prevent jamming from nearby envious fisherman or lurking wildlife officers.

Propulsion comes from our own unique proprietary CO2 BLAAATZ Jet-
Go™ release system. Flights of up to 45 seconds are available on one 4 oz. cylinder of inexpensive non-polluting CO2 power cylinders and up to 17 minutes on one 6lb CO2 cylinder, optional, not included. Use the easy glide lubricant to allow for trouble-free insertion of power supply, toss the drone into a mild headwind and you’re fishing. It’s that easy! Simple guidance commands can be shouted up to the drone where it’s proprietary “I can hear you now” audio technology, exclusive to this product, provides exceptional control over your speeding drone.

Availability: In Stock

Colors: Camo, Natural, Pink with friendship anklets on talons, space for up to 16 letters for personalization, our new color this year, Stealth blue which is nearly invisible against the sky, fish can’t see drone coming, and black.

Angler’s Drone $3995.95

Extra 6lb CO2 bottles 64.95 each or buy the handy U-Totem 6-pack and save. Drone shipped unassembled, easily reassembled using common household tools. ( Must have access to Tig welder, centrifuge, coke-fired drying oven and Phillips screwdriver.)

Must be 18 or older with valid drone license to order. Not to be used near airports, government facilities that utilize deadly force, nudist colonies, Skeet shooting ranges, any type of correctional facility, or at an altitude higher than 3500′. Not to be used for surveillance or to lift any object over 40 lbs. Do not use this unit to give small children “rides”, this is not safe. CO2 cylinders must be properly disposed of. Do not incinerate. Do not allow propulsion vent at rear of unit to become clogged or plugged. Keep hands, eyes or lips well away from propulsion vent. Replace CO2 cylinder after every immersion. Wear industrial strength rubber gloves as lubricant is Corrosive. Lubricant is Non-Edible and should not be used for any other purpose of any kind. We mean it! This stuff is toxic. Excessive use of lubricant may cause burning of the eyes, nose or lips and cylinder to be expelled during flight. Performance may become erratic if submerged for more than two hours. All audible commands must be given in a clear unaccented voice within 30′ of unit. Not responsible for drones lost due to inadequate volume or stuttering. Due to unit being able to reach speeds in excess of 220mph it is not recommended to try to “catch” returning units. Always operate unit in a responsible manner. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.

** Some restrictions apply. What! Do you think we’re crazy? Read the small print. All restrictions apply, everyone of them. There are so many we don’t even have room to list them all. I wouldn’t even think of trying to get any money back if I were you. By the time we get done dragging you through the wringer you’ll be paying us just to shut this whole mess down.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Countdown Selection #8 – Home and Personal Security service

Posted on December 16, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

Grizzly Yellowstone

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own Home and Personal Security service !!!

With Home Invasions on the rise and other threats to life and property happening daily it’s no wonder people are jumpy and armed. But being armed isn’t the total solution. You have to sleep sometime and while you’re sleeping bad things can happen. That’s where this gift starts to shine. This security service is a complete and total protection plan. While you and your loved ones are peacefully asleep our trained operatives patrol your property, constantly on the lookout for bad people thinking about doing bad things or any thing else that is edible.

No more Home Invasions! NO more people coming in and messing with your Xbox, or that Faberge egg on the mantle. If you’ve been plagued with Home Invasions lately, with our service they stop immediately as the perpetrators never reach your front door!

No more clandestine Meth Labs set up in your garage while you’re out for the evening. The sensitive noses of our trained operatives can sniff out Meth from miles away. Not only do the cooks cease their operations but their equipment is not salvageable after our personnel is through disassembling it. In fact neither are the cooks.

Neighbor’s dog leaving little gifts in your expensive landscaping? Not any more.

Rest easy and be the envy of your friends and neighbors as you live a crime free life style. Feel safe on your property again knowing you can safely use your yard and pool without fear. (Note: use included whistle provided as you leave your dwelling to prevent misunderstandings)

This is a leased service with programs available by the month or year. We have only four personnel available at this time due to the increased demand for home protection. Our certified operatives, each one a federally tagged and certified American Grizzly bear (Contrary to rumors we do not use Canadian Grizzly bears) from various locations around the country. We are able to obtain these individuals because of their inability to conform to Federal and State regulations regarding human interaction. These individuals are highly trained with one of them a former Blackwater employee and the others were involved in securing some of our better known National parks.

Choose between Huey, Dewey, Louie and Maurice. Each has individual talents that are tailored to your special needs and property. Note: Huey and Dewey should not be selected to patrol the same property as they have had territorial issues in the past. Also Maurice is not recommended for families with children or small pets.

Give the gift of safety. This service is perfect for the shut-in or that elderly individual that can not leave the house often. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that your loved ones are safe and secure as long as they stay indoors and keep away from any open windows.

Ordering is easy. Just call *The Institute’s 800 number to have our trainers bring out the individual of your choice to familiarize them with your property’s boundaries. Please have any individuals who might ever visit your home on hand for a meet and greet with our operative and you’re set to go.

Items Included: whistle, (extra whistles available at nominal cost) leash, bells for homeowners to wear so as not to startle operative, Please specify bell colors, aqua, mauve, fire engine red, American school bus yellow, and black. Other colors by request. Manual on DVD for handy viewing, laminated printed card with command phrases allowing interaction with operative. Special note: Never use the phrase “Bad Bear! No!” this does not provide the desired response.

Optional items: 6000 lbs. high quality organic bear food, tuff-shed for food storage, 55 gal. drum pepper spray with handy pour spout, 16,000 volt temporary electric fencing with generator, installation not included, and Day-Glo orange signage warning trespasser’s that you have a security service at work, extra whistles.

HOME SECURITY PROTECTION SERVICE $111,000.00 per month Order Now ! For a Safe Holiday. Please read disclaimer below before ordering our service.

Disclaimer: Service payment to be made one month in advance and is not refundable. Due to the volatile and uncertain nature of personal protection and security work the Institute cannot be held responsible for accidental death or dismemberment, lawsuits stemming from accidental death or dismemberment, phone charges pertaining to said lawsuits, property damage, disposal charges for human remains, disposal charges for animal remains, dry cleaning or replacement of clothing in the advent it cannot be cleaned, damage to vehicles, catastrophic damage to reputation or loss of quality of life issues, objectionable odors, conflicts arising from interaction with city, county, state or federal officials, damage to home or property from gunshots, flash and bang grenades, or battering rams, postage reimbursement for cease and desist letters, or acts of god and or nature. Lessee’s are expected to have adequate health, property, hazard and catastrophic insurance and will be asked to provide same before any lease can be signed.

This entry was posted in Re-Published, The Institute and tagged American School Bus yellow, Blackwater employee, Christmas, clandestine Meth Labs, fire engine red, high quality organic bear food, Home and Personal Security service, Home Invasions, patrol your property, protection plan, safety, security service, The Institute, Top Ten Gifts, trained operatives by Dwight Lutsey. Bookmark the permalink.

Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 9 The Wave Generator

Posted on December 15, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own “Wave” Generator

Our next Christmas gift selection is for the water lover on your list. Does your gift-ee love the water? Does he keep a surfboard on the top of his Hyundai year round? If he has shown up at your last get together wearing surfing shorts, his speech peppered with phrases like “hang 5” and “Gnarly, Dude” then this is the perfect gift for him and or her.

That’s right, it’s a Wave Generator! Another *The Institute Exclusive, this compact little one size fits all unit, is perfect for the backyard pool. It will turn the tamest backyard swimming hole into a raging category 5 tempest with the click of a button on the handy remote (batteries sold separately). Waves up to 70′ are easily produced by the powerful ½ h.p. Briggs and Stratton tri-fuel motor. Swim in the gentlest of currents or crank it up to the Tsunami setting and watch your neighbors scurry for cover. (Surfer, Boogie board and rope Not Included)

Whether they have a salt-water in ground pool complete with imitation lava flows or the Heritage Oval 33′ x 18′ x 52″ deep Platinum Above ground Pool available from your local Big Box store, they can enjoy the realistic pounding surf of a Hawaii vacation produced by this delightful add-on to their pool environment. For those unlucky souls who may live in a colder clime we offer the optional inline heater to bring the water temperature up to a tropical 104° the maximum allowed, so they can enjoy their pools year round. This is the gift that keeps on giving year after year.

Wave Generator Kit includes handy 4 color rigid cardboard storage box, a powerful ½ h.p Briggs and Stratton, UL approved, tri-fuel motor, runs on kerosene, whale oil, or handy natural gas. (On/Off LED indicator, ‘bright red means it’s wave ready’, powered by separate 220v line, check local codes before installing) one 3/4in. to 4ft. diameter chrome-plated heavy-duty plastic composite adaptor allows the motor and built-in pump to be connected directly from your garden hose to the 4′ diameter concrete pipe needed to connect to pool ( concrete pipe not included, purchase separately from your local plumbing outlet or hardware store ), the clever use of o-rings means no messy welding or soldering needed, and a no-rust stainless steel safety screen to go over 4′ diameter return water port located in bottom of pool, keeps those little tykes from being recirculated through the plumbing system. Plus three highly visible light reflecting stickers that can be applied to your pool walls warning of the danger of swimming alone in high surf, Handy translated (Mandarin to English) construction manual included, illustrated tips takes the guess-work out of those tricky plumbing connections.

Wave Generator Kit $28,150.95 cash, certified check or PayPal accepted. We do not accept credit cards for this product.

Other charges which may include heavy equipment rental, 4′ diameter concrete circulating pipe, contractor bribes, inspectors bribes, additional insurance premiums, o-rings, nuisance fence construction, security, and additional water bills are the sole responsibility of the purchaser. All parts except Briggs and Stratton motor made in China. Please allow 3 years for delivery.

Accessories available include: Inline water heater, sp40 sunscreen, Olympic rated inflatable water wings, lava rocks to place in bottom of pool to complete the illusion of being dragged over a reef by the rushing waves, safety rescue ring with attached nylon rope in Baywatch red, and owner’s manual with helpful CPR instructions on handy floppy disk for ease of reading on your computer or Palm Pilot.

Note: this is a ‘purchase and use at your own risk product’, the Institute, Its Director or shareholders, hangers-on, relatives and creditors are not responsible for any acts that may result in the death and or maiming of any individuals using this product. This product is sold as is with no claims made by the Institute as to its warranty, safety, usefulness, compliance with local building code regulations or durability. In fact, if I were you I wouldn’t buy this on a bet, unless there is someone you really, really want to get even with, then its perfect.

Christmas Gift Selection #10 Genuine Emperor Scorpion

Posted on December 14, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

Emperor Scorpion Sierra Leone Africa

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy

The First item in our Top Ten Countdown of Incredible Christmas gifts

Genuine Emperor Scorpion

*The Institute does more than just solve the world’s problems. We help in many other ways too. Every year our staff puts together a gift list that we offer to our loyal readers to help them with their Christmas shopping. We know that many of you have loved ones that are incredibly difficult to shop for. That’s why we go to the ends of the earth to bring you those items you just can’t find at Wal-Mart. So cheer up help is at hand, watch for the selections we’ve chosen as they appear throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Our first item is the cute but lovable Emperor Scorpion, a sassy native of Africa, it is sure to put a smile on the face of that hard to please relative that just won’t shut up. We’re sure they will be speechless when they open this gift. Our Aunt Pheeb got one of these for Uncle Skid last year and to complete the surprise she didn’t tell him it was coming. She just left it in the bottom of his favorite six-pack for him to find. Boy did that liven up half-time. That Aunt Pheeb she’s a kidder alright.

Order now: Satisfaction Guaranteed.

Emperor Scorpion item # 1999567783332-1

Availability: in Stock

Description: Color, shiny black with iridescent highlights. Creates delightful scrabbling sound as it hides amongst your personal effects. length 8″. wgt. 1 oz. but can get up to 4lbs. if overfed or left alone among your other pets. We recommend feeding your Emperor Scorpion only guaranteed, high volume, low calorie Scorpion chow. Available through our catalog. An Institute exclusive.

Choose country of origin: ~~Ivory Coast~~, Senegal, ~~Ghana~~, and Sierra Leone, sorry due to internal strife in Ivory Coast and Ghana, animal is only available from Senegal or Sierra Leone. Note: Senegalese item not suitable for children under 3

Accessories: scorpion chow, leash, rub on tattoos ( personalize your pet with unique designs).

Scorpion den, has individual quarters for up to 10 individuals, shipped unassembled.

Training manuals.

Mirror, official fighting mirror authorized by the OFSS** of America, scorpions go gonzo nuts when they see another scorpion, use to amuse your friends by having them hold the mirror, great at parties.

Anti-venom. Please select Pint, Quart or Half-gallon. Larger sizes may be special ordered. Extra shipping charges apply. Sent from 3rd party shipper allow 4-6 weeks for arrival.

Scorpion sized booties and tail covers. Highly-recommended if animal is shipped to Co., WI., N. D., S. D., Upper MI., ME., MT., ID., All those little states below ME. and CA.

Price: $ 9500.00 please add tax if you live in Colorado.

Delivery time: guaranteed to arrive before Christmas if ordered before 12-01-13.

Watch for other great Gift ideas! Operators standing by to take your orders. Call now!

** Official Fighting Scorpions Society of America. The Ultimate in Arachnid Cage Fighting™, headquarters Killem, Al. 36001

Misplaced His Hat

Posted on December 8, 2019 by Dwight Lutsey

What we have here is an example of an age old conflict between a bull that cannot abide seeing a cowboy standing and wearing a hat, and a cowboy standing and wearing a hat that is not about to take that attitude from any bull.

When the two come together, usually in an arena where there is the possibility of a confrontation, such as an event that features American Bullfighting, and say, the bull says something off color about the cowboys hat, and the cowboy says “Oh yeah, why you don’t you do something about it then, hamburger walking”, the situation can get explosive.

In the image above we see the aftermath of this provocative exchange. The bull is happy to provide a direct physical response to the cowboys’ taunt and the cowboy is making absolutely certain to note where his hat has landed so he can retrieve it when he hits the ground. It is very likely that this situation will repeat itself over and over again due to the inability of the opposing sides to come to any type of agreement.

It could be that this situation can be seen as a metaphor for life in general where there are two opposing points of view and no good way for one side or the other to work it out in a less violent manner. Remember when everything is said and done the bull does most often wind up as hamburger, and the cowboy loses his ability to wear his coveted hat due to the knots on his head from his many hard landings, so it’s a non-win for both points of view. It begs that age old question “Why can’t we all just be friends.” I guess the answer for me is “I don’t know, really. I like hamburger and I like wearing my hat. That’s a tough one to answer.”

BigShots Now

A conversation about Photography: Images and Commentary by Dwight Lutsey

Monthly Archives: December 2019