Monthly Archives: December 2017

Christmas Gift Selection # 4 For 2017 Angler’s Drone

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AnglersDrone1285
Osprey Northern Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

New and Improved ! Now With LED’s and Specially Designed Li-ion batteries.

Can be controlled by your iPhone, iPad, Voice, or American Sign Language.

It’s Our Newest and Greatest

Angler’s Drone!!!

Here’s the perfect gift for that hard to buy for fisherman on your gift list. The Angler’s Drone, his very own ‘fish catching drone’!

Is your angler often lucky at love but sucks at fishing? Does he come home tired and dejected, feeling like he’s a failure as a man because he can’t outwit a stupid fish? Well now here’s your big chance to give him back his self-confidence and put that spring back in his Bass rod. Get him his own remote control Angler’s Drone programmed with our exclusive patented algorithm ( *The Institute’s Exclusive)  guaranteed to catch the lunkers in his favorite fishing hole.

Unlike other lesser quality Fish Catching Drones ours works! Our patented program uses a combination of mathematical calculations, satellite information, NOAA recommended tide tables, Poor Richards Almanac moon schedules, opinions from local successful fishermen, and a random good luck generator, all coupled with the best technology money can buy to give him fool-proof angling success. We are so confident of the drones ability to catch those giant fish that we offer a iron-clad, money back, no questions asked possibility of a refund if you’re not completely satisfied with your purchase. (some restrictions apply**)

Our drone is manufactured in one of the best drone assembly factories in Taiwan and utilizes top quality materials and high tech programs such as Infrared Eyes, last years declassified cruise missile guidance systems, unbreakable polycast high-density resin wing struts with the latest silk-hardened pre-cast feathers attached with super-strength, heat sealed adhesion to survive those high-speed dives into rough water and uncrackable encrypted electronics to prevent jamming from nearby envious fisherman or lurking wildlife officers.

Propulsion comes from our own unique proprietary CO2 BLAAATZ  Jet-Go™ release system. Flights of up to 45 seconds are available on one 4 oz. cylinder of inexpensive non-polluting CO2 power cylinders and up to 17 minutes on one 6lb cylinder, optional, not included. Use the easy glide lubricant to allow for trouble-free insertion of power supply, toss the drone into a mild headwind and you’re fishing. It’s that easy! Simple guidance commands can be shouted up to the drone where it’s proprietary “I can hear you now” audio technology, exclusive to this product, provides exceptional control over your speeding drone.

Availability: In Stock

Colors: Camo, Natural, Pink with friendship anklets on talons, space for up to 16 letters for personalization, our new color this year, Stealth blue which is nearly invisible against the sky, fish can’t see drone coming, and black.

Angler’s Drone $3995.95

Extra 6lb CO2 bottles 64.95 each or buy the handy U-Totem 6-pack and save. Drone shipped unassembled, easily reassembled using common household tools. ( Must have access to Tig welder, centrifuge, coke-fired drying oven and Phillips screwdriver.)

Must be 18 or older with valid drone license to order. Not to be used near airports, government facilities that utilize deadly force, nudist colonies, Skeet shooting ranges, any type of correctional facility, or at an altitude higher than 3500′. Not to be used for surveillance or to lift any object over 40 lbs. Do not use this unit to give small children “rides”, this is not safe. CO2 cylinders must be properly disposed of.  Do not incinerate.  Do not allow propulsion vent at rear of unit to become clogged or plugged. Keep hands eyes or lips well away from propulsion vent. Replace CO2 cylinder after every immersion. Wear industrial strength rubber gloves as lubricant is Corrosive. Lubricant is Non-Edible and should not be used for any other purpose of any kind. We mean it! This stuff is toxic. Excessive use of lubricant may cause burning of the eyes, nose or lips and cylinder to be expelled during flight. Performance may become erratic if submerged for more than two hours.  All audible commands must be given in a clear unaccented voice within 30′ of unit. Not responsible for drones lost due to inadequate volume or stuttering. Due to unit being able to reach speeds in excess of 220mph it is not recommended to try to “catch” returning units. Always operate unit in a responsible manner. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.
** Some restrictions apply. What! Do you think we’re crazy? Read the small print. All restrictions apply, everyone of them. There are so many we don’t even have room to list them all. I wouldn’t even think of trying to get any money back if I were you. By the time we get done dragging you through the wringer you’ll be paying us just to shut this whole mess down.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Excessive emails

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HI just a quick note to say Sorrrrry for all the emails. There is a glitch in the scheduler for our Top ten gifts posting and it results in sending out the next days post ahead of time along with the current days post resulting in a Tsunami of emails for you. Which we regret. We are currently whipping and hurling epithets at our IT person in charge of this and it, yes we call him it, assures us he’ll have it under control. However we have to send this apology out in over a hundred different languages to our international readers and we can barely speak English ourselves. So we feel your pain. Again sorry, stay with us things are probably going to get a lot weirder. After all you’re dealing with The Institute here.

Christmas Gift Selection #3 For 2017 Home and Personal Security service

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XmasList3_2521
Grizzly Yellowstone

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at *The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own Home and Personal Security service !!!

With Home Invasions on the rise and other threats to life and property happening daily it’s no wonder people are jumpy and armed. But being armed isn’t the total solution. You have to sleep sometime and while you’re sleeping bad things can happen. That’s where this gift starts to shine. This security service is a complete and total protection plan. While you and your loved ones are peacefully asleep our trained operatives patrol your property, constantly on the lookout for bad people thinking about doing bad things or any thing else that is edible.

No more Home Invasions! NO more people coming in and messing with your Xbox, or that Faberge egg on the mantle. If you’ve been plagued with Home Invasions lately, with our service they stop immediately as the perpetrators never reach your front door!

No more clandestine Meth Labs set up in your garage while you’re out for the evening. The sensitive noses of our trained operatives can sniff out Meth from miles away. Not only do the cooks cease their operations but their equipment is not salvageable after our personnel is through disassembling it. In fact neither are the cooks.

Neighbor’s dog leaving little gifts in your expensive landscaping? Not any more.

Rest easy and be the envy of your friends and neighbors as you live a crime free life style. Feel safe on your property again knowing you can safely use your yard and pool without fear. (Note: use included whistle provided as you leave your dwelling to prevent misunderstandings)

This is a leased service with programs available by the month or year. We have only four personnel available at this time due to the increased demand for home protection. These individuals are highly trained with one of them a former Blackwater employee and the others were involved in securing some of our better known national parks.

Choose between Huey, Dewey, Louie and Maurice. Each has individual talents that are tailored to your special needs and property. Note: Huey and Dewey should not be selected to patrol the same property as they have had territorial issues in the past. Also Maurice is not recommended for families with children or small pets.

Give the gift of safety. This service is perfect for the shut-in or that elderly individual that can not leave the house often. Breathe a sigh of relief knowing that your loved ones are safe and secure as long as they stay indoors and keep away from any open windows.

Ordering is easy. Just call *The Institute’s 800 number to have our trainers bring out the individual of your choice to familiarize them with your property’s boundaries. Please have any individuals who might ever visit your home on hand for a meet and greet with our operative and you’re set to go.

Items Included: whistle, extra whistles available at nominal cost, leash, bells for homeowners to wear so as not to startle operative, Please specify bell colors, aqua, mauve, fire engine red, American school bus yellow, and black. Other colors by request. Manual on DVD for handy viewing, laminated printed card with command phrases allowing interaction with operative. Special note: Never use the phrase “Bad Bear! No!” this does not provide the desired response.

Optional items: 6000 lbs. high quality organic bear food, tuff-shed for food storage, 55 gal. drum pepper spray with handy pour spout, 16,000 volt temporary electric fencing with generator, installation not included, and Day-Glo orange signage warning trespasser’s that you have a security service at work, extra whistles.

HOME SECURITY PROTECTION SERVICE   $111,000.00 per month Order Now ! For a Safe Holiday

Disclaimer: Service payment to be made one month in advance and is not refundable. Due to the volatile and uncertain nature of personal protection and security work the Institute cannot be held responsible for accidental death or dismemberment, lawsuits stemming from accidental death or dismemberment, phone charges pertaining to said lawsuits, property damage, disposal charges for human remains, disposal charges for animal remains, dry cleaning or replacement of clothing in the advent it cannot be cleaned, damage to vehicles, catastrophic damage to reputation or loss of quality of life issues, objectionable odors, conflicts arising from interaction with city, county, state or federal officials, damage to home or property from gunshots, flash and bang grenades, or battering rams, postage reimbursement for cease and desist letters, or acts of god and or nature. Lessee’s are expected to have adequate health, property, hazard and catastrophic insurance and will be asked to provide same before any lease can be signed.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Gift Selection # 2 For 2017 The Wave Generator

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WaveGeneratorOahu7685
Surf Oahu Hawaii

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own “Wave” Generator

Our next Christmas gift selection is for the water lover on your list. Does your gift-ee love the water? Does he keep a surfboard on the top of his Hyundai year round? If he has shown up at your last get together wearing surfing shorts, his speech peppered with phrases like “hang 5” and “Gnarly, Dude” then this is the perfect gift for him and or her.

That’s right, it’s a Wave Generator! Another *The Institute Exclusive, this compact little one size fits all unit, is perfect for the backyard pool. It will turn the tamest backyard swimming hole into a raging category 5 tempest with the click of a button on the handy remote (batteries sold separately). Waves up to 70′ are easily produced by the powerful ½ h.p. Briggs and Stratton tri-fuel motor. Swim in the gentlest of currents or crank it up to the Tsunami setting and watch your neighbors scurry for cover. (Surfer, Boogie board and rope Not Included)

Whether they have a salt-water in ground pool complete with imitation lava flows or the Heritage Oval 33′ x 18′ x 52″ deep Platinum Above ground Pool available from your local Big Box store, they can enjoy the realistic pounding surf of a Hawaii vacation produced by this delightful add-on to their pool environment. For those unlucky souls who may live in a colder clime we offer the optional inline heater to bring the water temperature up to a tropical 104° the maximum allowed, so they can enjoy their pools year round. This is the gift that keeps on giving year after year.

How it works: Waves are generated by a patented system where the motor spins slowly at first, then builds up speed until it shoots an enormous amount of water through the 4′ diameter piping giving it the ability to create those huge nearly 70′ tall monster waves. Kind of the same way Old Faithful works. This is wet fun at it’s best. Order now!

Wave Generator Kit includes handy 4 color rigid cardboard storage box, a powerful ½ h.p Briggs and Stratton, UL approved, tri-fuel motor, runs on kerosene, whale oil, or handy natural gas. (On/Off LED indicator, ‘bright red means it’s wave ready’, powered by separate 220v line, check local codes before installing) one 3/4″ to 4′ diameter chrome-plated heavy-duty plastic composite adaptor allows the motor and built-in pump to be connected directly from your garden hose to the 4′ diameter concrete pipe needed to connect to pool ( concrete pipe not included, purchase separately from your local plumbing outlet or hardware store ), the clever use of o rings means no messy welding or soldering needed, and a no-rust stainless steel safety screen to go over 4′ diameter return water port located in bottom of pool, keeps those little tykes from being recirculated through the plumbing system. Plus three highly visible light reflecting stickers that can be applied to your pool walls warning of the danger of swimming alone in high surf, Handy translated construction manual included, illustrated tips takes the guess-work out of those tricky plumbing connections.

Wave Generator Kit $28,150.95 cash, certified check or PayPal accepted. We do not accept credit cards for this product.

other charges which may include heavy equipment rental, 4′ diameter concrete circulating pipe, contractor bribes, inspectors bribes, additional insurance premiums, o rings, nuisance fence construction, security, and additional water bills are the sole responsibility of the purchaser. All parts except Briggs and Stratton motor made in China. Please allow 3 years for delivery.

Accessories available include: Inline water heater, sp40 sunscreen, Olympic rated inflatable water wings, lava rocks to place in bottom of pool to complete the illusion of being dragged over a reef by the rushing waves, safety rescue ring with attached nylon rope in Baywatch red, and owner’s manual with helpful CPR instructions on handy floppy disk for ease of reading on your computer or Palm Pilot.

Note: this is a ‘purchase and use at your own risk product’, the Institute, Its Director or shareholders, hangers-on, relatives and creditors are not responsible for any acts that may result in the death and or maiming of any individuals using this product. This product is sold as is with no claims made by the Institute as to its warranty, safety, usefulness, compliance with local building code regulations or durability. In fact, if I were you I wouldn’t buy this on a bet, unless there is someone you really, really want to get even with, then its perfect.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Christmas Gift Selection #1 Genuine Emperor Scorpion

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XmasGiftEmerorScorpion4430
Emperor Scorpion Sierra Leone Africa

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

First of 10 Exceptional Gift Ideas For this Christmas Season!

Genuine Emperor Scorpion

*The Institute does more than just solve the world’s problems. We help in many other ways too. Every year our staff puts together a gift list that we offer to our loyal readers to help them with their Christmas shopping. We know that many of you have loved ones that are incredibly difficult to shop for. That’s why we go to the ends of the earth to bring you those items you just can’t find at Wal-Mart. So cheer up help is at hand, watch for the selections we’ve chosen as they appear throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Our first item is the cute but lovable Emperor Scorpion, a sassy native of Africa, it is sure to put a smile on the face of that hard to please relative that just won’t shut up. We’re sure they will be speechless when they open this gift. Our Aunt Pheeb got one of these for Uncle Skid last year and to complete the surprise she didn’t tell him it was coming. She just left it in the bottom of his favorite six-pack for him to find. Boy did that liven up half-time. That Aunt Pheeb she’s a kidder alright.

Order now: Satisfaction Guaranteed.

Emperor Scorpion item # 1999567783332-1

Availability: in Stock

Description: Color, shiny black with iridescent highlights. Creates delightful scrabbling sound as it hides amongst your personal effects. length 8″. wgt. 1 oz. but can get up to 4lbs. if overfed or left alone among your other pets. We recommend feeding your Emperor Scorpion only guaranteed, high volume, low calorie Scorpion chow. Available through our catalog. An Institute exclusive.

Choose country of origin: Ivory Coast, Senegal, Ghana, and Sierra Leone, sorry due to internal strife in Ivory Coast and Ghana, animal is only available from Senegal or Sierra Leone. Note: Senegalese item not suitable for children under 3

Accessories: scorpion chow, leash, rub on tattoos ( personalize your pet with unique designs).

Scorpion den, has individual quarters for up to 10 individuals, shipped unassembled.

Training manuals.

Mirror, official fighting mirror authorized by the OFSS** of America, scorpions go gonzo nuts when they see another scorpion, use to amuse your friends by having them hold the mirror, great at parties.

Anti-venom. Please select Pint, Quart or Half-gallon. Larger sizes may be  special ordered. Extra shipping charges apply. Sent from 3rd party shipper allow 4-6 weeks for arrival.

Scorpion sized booties and tail covers. Highly-recommended if animal is shipped to Co., WI., N. D., S. D., Upper MI., ME., MT., ID.,  All those little states below ME. and CA.

Price: $ 9500.00 please add tax if you live in Colorado.

Delivery time: guaranteed to arrive before Christmas if ordered before 12-01-13.

Watch for other great Gift ideas! Operators standing by to take your orders. Call now!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

** Official Fighting Scorpions Society of America. The Ultimate in Arachnid Cage Fighting™, headquarters Killem, Al. 36001

Announcement ! Christmas Posts 2017

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Announcement !

Beginning December 14 we will be reposting our FAMOUS top ten gifts for the discerning gift giver.

That’s right readers, our famous Top Ten gifts will be brought back starting tomorrow as we have a few of them left over from our original posts back in 2013. Apparently they didn’t have the mass appeal that we thought they might when we first offered them. It turns out we might have misjudged the buying frenzy of America in 2013. Instead of buying mass produced trinkets like Bentley’s, or Lear jets, or Mommy’s Little Crematorium where Gwyneth or Towanda can tasteful dispose of their unalive pets, we thought for sure they’d line up in droves to purchase our offerings. Plus the fact that we only had eight readers that we knew of reading the blog at that time may have  impacted sales. We thought volume would take care of us.

Since the frivolous, but fickle general public couldn’t get their minds past Barbie’s, or things that squeak, discharge fluids and have small swallowable parts that require batteries, not to mention Chia Pets, etc. we’ve had to store these unwanted but still salable gifts. Which of course has required our having to take them out and wash them, count them, (I know even though there were only ten different items we had to count them anyway, there being some kind of government rule about knowing exactly how many gifts of a questionable nature we have on hand in America at any given time), rotate them so they don’t get lumpy or limp on one side, feed any of the still living ones and other problems too dehumanizing to mention, we had to make a decision. So, I talked to the Director of the now historic but defunct organization known as *The Institute and we decided to run them again in what has become a Christmas tradition here. I think we may have missed running them last year due to losing the key to the storage unit, but a tradition none the less.

The Director has informed me that there has been lots of mail winding up on the ground around the mailbox by the front gate and blowing up against the fence at the foot of the mountain where *The Institute was formerly located. In trying to read those that were the least water-logged and stepped on and generally legible he found many, ok a few, alright, actually one, that wanted us to run these specials again. To that person we say “Bully you! Thanks and if we can ask you a personal question do you have like, any funds that you could possibly buy one of our gifts. It’s embarrassing that we haven’t sold any of these incredible items that if you had all the money in the world, you still might buy only one or two. That’s how amazing and different these things are. Even as rich as, well, name any crooked politician, and you could only handle a couple of them.

However think about it! You or a close friend would own one of these special items. You! The Big Dude in the neighborhood! I mean, how freaking crazy is that. You might even make it onto Jerry Springer, course you may also have to tell about that thing where you found out that your Grandmother had Bigfoot’s baby and you married its illegitimate twin, but that’s for you to deal with. We try to stay out other people’s drama.

OK then, Gird your loins! Top ten gift ideas start tomorrow. Start thinking about cashing in those old 401K’s. Pre-address some envelopes. Find Your checkbook. And order while the ordering’s hot. We will have someone standing by at the mailbox to process your orders. Remember, Se habla Espanol and five other foreign languages. And also, NO Returns. No Refunds. No Uncertified checks. Absolutely NO Trying to throw them back over the fence. We don’t even live there anymore. And Remember it feels good to give so give a lot, we can use those Yankee dollars and Euro bucks.

Enjoy our sharing once again the Gift Giving Joy of the season and Happy Holidays. I know, we copped out by saying the Happy Holidays thing instead of saying something more suited to one of the major religions in the world like Merry Christmas because we know they have big, I mean, huge, Christmas spending budgets and there has to be something in this gift selection that a major religion would buy, if not for themselves then for some of the poor around the world. See you at the ordering desk, and remember it’s OK to buy something totally useless once in a while.

*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Never mind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Brings Back The Past

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Sometimes when you are attending an event like an Indian powwow you observe a participant that is so perfectly matched to the event, it is like time travel. Such was the case at the Shoshone/Bannock powwow in Ft. Hall, Idaho. This man so epitomized the spirit of the warriors of old that he seemed to be a conduit between the past and the present. One could easily believe that he was riding out of his camp that morning over a hundred and fifty years ago and rode right into this gathering today to the amazement of both him and ourselves.

 He rode in on the tail end of the parade as one of the last members of the procession and as he appeared time seemed to stand still. It was as if he had just stepped through a portal from the past and found himself in the strangest of circumstances. He rode at the crowd brandishing his lance. He yelled in his native language, he chanted, he swung his horse around in circles lest anyone try to sneak up behind him. And people believing that they were seeing someone unbound from modern conventions scrambled out of his way. His actions appeared to be those of a mid-1860’s warrior rather than someone participating in a parade at a modern-day powwow.

It was a spectacular presentation of a person completely in touch with his history, his culture and the spirit of the event. It was as if he were chosen to be the one that Brings Back The Past.