Monthly Archives: September 2015

The Dangers Of Hiking Thru The Woods

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As many of you know *The Institute works closely with the Fish and Game departments of the various states here in America and elsewhere, as well as other Government agencies such as the Minerals Management services, the U.S. board of Geological Names, The Government Office of Procurements and Waste Disposal, the NSA, The Office in Charge of Telling People Important Stuff, The Department of Defense, The Office of Watching Movies to Find and Censor the Dirty Parts, The Office of Maritime Hijinks, The FBI, NCIS, The Mod Squad, The Government Office of Officially Forgiving People for Minor Offenses if They Weren’t Too Bad to Begin With, and the National Hikers Advisory Committee to name just a few.

It’s this last one, The National Hikers Advisory Committee, that we have been dealing with mostly these last few months. As you might have heard it can be very dangerous hiking in our National, State and International forests. So we are putting out our annual Hikers Advisory. The image above is a perfect example of some of the dangers the unwary hiker faces in the woods. As you can see there are fallen trees everywhere and they can pose a problem for those who aren’t smart or agile enough to pick up their feet when they’re hiking. Tripping hazards are rampant and there is always the risk of catching a sleeve on one of those sharp-tipped branches sticking out all over the place and ripping that new down jacket. Those puppies are expensive and you could be faced with huge repair bills or the humiliation of repairing them with duct tape which would indicate you can’t afford to get it repaired professionally. Either way it spells loser.

Also the forest is filled completely with trees and they all look alike. It is very easy to look around and get all over dizzy of a sudden and not know where you are. This leads to being lost and that leads to expensive search and rescue missions to find you and by then you are tired and thirsty and all out of sorts. You’ve had the same underwear on for eleven days and you’ve missed Jerry Springer. Todays show was on Lesbian Midgets Who Love Jane Fonda But Cheat with Male Strippers, Then Lie About It, (not that there is anything wrong with Lesbians, even really short ones) and you forgot to set your DVR.

There are birds that will sit and wait for you to enter the forest, then make alluring bird calls so you look up trying to find them and wrap your snoz around one of those trees the woods are full of that we mentioned earlier, and you’ll probably bust your Ray-Bans or get a nasty lump on your forehead. Our friend did that and got a lump on her forehead the size of a toaster. If that happens many times your baseball cap won’t fit anymore and that leaves your head and shoulders completely unprotected from the elements or worse.

There are plenty of dangers like this out in the woods and we have touched on just the most important ones. There’s more that you’ll probably find on your own or they’ll find you, so we won’t bother you with the minor stuff. We just wanted to cover the big ones. Our advice to you regarding hiking in the Woods is just don’t do it. Go to the mall instead, get a hamburger and a supersized jug of pop. Leave the hiking to those who are familiar with the woods and can recognize its dangers, or better yet to the people you don’t like. Send them out on a hiking trip. Tell them it’ll do them good and then make up some excuse why you can’t go along. That’s our advice and we hope you take it to heart. As always we here at The Institute want you to be safe, not sorry. Watch for further bulletins as we work diligently to protect you and yours from the ever-present dangers of the world. Remember, Be Careful out there.

P.S. We forgot ticks. There’s ticks out in those woods and if you think vampires are bad you haven’t been covered in hundreds of ticks just bloating up, sucking up your blood, giggling to each other as they drain you dry. They will get on you even if you haven’t done anything wrong and then bite you. The only way to get them off you is hold a lighted match up their rear ends until they fall off. Of course that is dangerous in this dry climate we’re experiencing. The Forestry department, a division of the USDA hates it when you drop burning ticks all over the forest floor and they will cite you if they find out about it. It’s better to avoid ticks whenever possible. OK then, Just saying.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Last Call

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A week ago the road leading up Mt. Evans to the summit was closed due to impending winter. The road goes way up into the sky until at 14,000′ plus, it stops and you can get out of your car and wheezingly look at the animals living here that have absolutely no trouble breathing. In fact they find it amusing that many of the visitors keel over and have to be dragged by the back foot to the waiting emergency vehicles where they get oxygen and the advice to go home.

So on the 5th of September you had last call to go up and see the mountain goats and their neighbors the Bighorn sheep, pictured here. In a very short time it will be soooo cold and snowy, what with the mountain top area being completely filled with weather, that it would be really miserable to be here. Guys who regularly go to Antarctica don’t like going here.

If you look closely at the picture above you will see adolescent bighorn sheep frolicking. They’ll run and leap from rock to rock and jump for the sheer irritation factor of it knowing it bothers the older ones a lot. If you were to try even one frolic your heart would explode in your chest and your eyeball would pop out. That’s right, pop right out of your head. Eyeball popping is very possible in super high altitude places where extreme cold is involved. That’s why they shut the road down. Otherwise people would go up there and try one frolic and then there you are, exploded heart and eyeball popped out. Plus you’d have to lay there for the rest of the winter because they don’t open the road until May or June.

Well then, there it is, if you didn’t make it to the summit of Mt Evans on September 5th too bad for you, you missed it. Now you have to wait until next year. The sheep and goats will still be there. They live up there fulltime. No exploded hearts or popped eyeball for them, they’re trained and experienced on how to survive living in ridiculous places so they’ll be just fine. Meanwhile if you are hell-bent on being miserable there’s lots of stuff you can do between now and the opening of the Mt. Evans road next May.

You can watch every single one of the debates between the candidates and talk to your friends about them until one of them sticks a pencil in your ear. Or you can intern on one of those crab boats up on the Bering sea. It’s just below eyeball popping cold up there. You could attend a seniors only party and listen to all of their recent medical procedures. There’s more, that’s just a few of the things you can do to keep your misery index up to your own personal comfort level. If you lack the imagination to figure out your own miserable activity to do this winter we have a list here at The Institute that we would be happy to send you. Just send us a stamped self-addressed envelope with $80 dollars cash in it and we’ll get it right in the mail for you. If you don’t have the exact amount in cash send five twenty’s instead and we’ll try like heck to get your change back to you.

P.S. Don’t think you can outsmart the system and sneak up to the summit and hold one hand over your eyeball and get away with it. Doesn’t work, trust me on this one.

Imagine

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In an aquarium far, far away…………..

Sometimes you’re sitting in your favorite chair drinking low-grade Sterno, staring off into the distance and you’re suddenly transported to another place, in another time, where things are different yet slightly familiar, and you find yourself saying “That mayo smelled funny and that shrimp and cabbage roll has been in the fridge since Christmas.” and you check real quick to see if you still have a pulse.

You look around in the inky blackness for anything that resembles your normal life. Then you remember. Sterno, shrimp and cabbage, and you give a little sigh of relief because you know you paid the electric bill. This must be something else then.

Suddenly off in the distance you see light and colors and movement and you try to call out but there is no sound. When you think about it you’re kind of glad as you don’t know what it eats. As it gets closer and it’s form takes shape, it looks like something Edison and Carl Sagan would have invented if they’d done that acid everyone else in the lab was doing. It pulses and flexes its transparent outer shell, moving through space in a series of gentle motions that propel it forward much faster and farther than looks possible.

Where is it going ? Does it has a purpose? Are you destined to follow it through space for eternity? Does this post have an ending? When suddenly you hear a loud ringing and you realize it’s your phone. The blackness fades away and you pickup and it’s your buddy saying “hey, come on down I’ve got some left over Chinese take out we need to finish before it goes bad.” You answer “OK, sure, you got any Sterno?’ It’s good to be home.

Note: image is a Comb Jellyfish taken at an aquarium near you. I don’t know what the pink thing is up in the upper right corner. A Galaxy maybe.

9-11

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I heard some humans talking as they walked along the trail down by the river about something called 9-11. Apparently this was something terrible for them as they seemed upset and were very emotional about it. As near as I can figure out some humans from outside their territory came in and did something that killed a huge number of them at their favorite gathering place. This wasn’t done over collecting females or defending their territory it was for some strange reason called terrorism and religion. This is the hard part to understand. We don’t have anything called terrorism or religion, what is it? Why would those things make them want to kill the entire herd? Humans have always been strange, but to kill a whole herd for something I don’t understand is strange even for humans. I hope we don’t have a 9-11.

Virga

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Virga or the art of teasing as played by Mother Nature, is when the rain falls from the sky but doesn’t reach the earth below. It evaporates right before it should hit the ground. It’s like a giant game of “She loves me, She loves me not” where she pulls the petals off her garden of clouds and when she pulls one while gently singing “She Loves me”, the rain will fall to the ground and the dry earth knows she loves it. However when she pulls the “She loves Me Not” petal the rain falls to within inches of the thirsty earth but does not touch it. This is bad. It indicates that she is in a capricious mood and things can go either way. Since Mother Nature knows which petal it is before she pulls it and she’s feeling slightly out of sorts she can pull the “She Loves Me Not” petals all day long. This is what is happening in California right now.

I don’t know what those folks did wrong, it probably has something to do with Nancy Pelosi, but they better get their mind right and straighten things out. Mother Nature has a lot more will-power than all of California, even those parts like Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and can do this as long as she wants. Like hundreds of years if you really tick her off.
 
Marble canyon didn’t do anything wrong though, it just happens to be in a spot where there isn’t much rain, and what rain does fall is used sparingly. Mother Nature actually likes Marble Canyon and the surrounding area so she only teases a little. This time the Virga is sort of a wake up call saying “I’m bringing you some rain guys, get ready”. This moment in time was just a short tease however. When the canyon needs rain she pulls the right petal. The dark clouds in the background were moving in and before you knew it Mother Nature had pulled every “She Loves Me ” petal she could get her hands on and Marble canyon had all the rain it needed and more.

In the mean time anyone who wanted to could sit back and watch the spectacle unfold. The canyon is actually a couple of miles from where this image was taken so the rain didn’t reach out this far. The close-up appearance of the canyon comes from the magic a telephoto lens and the stitching power of Photoshop to put the 13 photos together needed to create this panorama. Click on it to enlarge the image somewhat for a closer look yet. Is this a great world to live in, or what.

I Hear The Canyons Calling

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I hear the canyons calling

They softly call my name

Come to me they say

Feel the coolness on your skin

Hear the water falling, falling

As you stand in my shadows

As so many have before

Listen as the birds sing my chorus

And the wind carries it away

You need me the canyon says

It’s true, it’s true I know

I hear the canyons calling as

It’s time and I must go

Did You Feel That?

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Last night we had a rain storm pass through. A cold heavy driving rain, the kind that makes the horses turn their tails into the wind and just endure. This wasn’t one of those nice Camelot soaking rains that gently cleans the dust off the rose petals, this was the kind that that knocked the cheat grass down and cut ruts into the road. We haven’t had one of those since last fall.

Then this morning as the sun was coming up and we took our customary stroll around the deck to see if the mulies had been bedding down over the leech field again, they like that place, the ground stays warmer there for a while longer, and to chase the flickers away from the overhang of the eaves, it felt not quite cold but more than brisk, right there on the edge of nippy. The kind of cool that was beyond pleasant and was ratcheting up towards time to wear the Carhartt if you’re going to spend any time out here.

This doesn’t mean we’re full on into fall. We’ve got plenty of sweaty days coming up.  Days where you leave the house in the morning thinking you don’t need to bring a jacket and coming home with the heater knob all the way over in the red and the fan going full blast. It’s a time of change. We feel it and the animals feel it too.

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As this is being written the needle is climbing past the 60° mark on the outside thermometer. It was down near 40° first thing this morning. Last night you could hear it banging against the post it’s hanging on as the wind drove the rain past it. Its round plastic face is kind of scratched and opaque from over 20 years of wind-blown dust scouring it but you can still see the big red needle in it and you know that just a smidge off top dead center is 40° so you can figure out the temperature pretty quick. We keep a flashlight by the window where we can shine it on its face so we don’t have to turn on all the porch lights and scare whatever’s sleeping on the deck.

There’s a rhythm to the seasons and if you live amongst what passes for wildness now days you feel things rather than being told by some weatherman whats happening out doors. And what we’re feeling is that fall is just about here. There’s even talk of trees turning further up the mountain but we haven’t been up there to verify that yet. Maybe we’ll go up there tomorrow, look around a little bit, even take some pictures. It’s going to get dark earlier again, hell, it’s already getting dark earlier each day. Time to change the batteries in the flashlight and hang the Carhartt over the kitchen chair by the door so you can grab it quick if you need to go outside. It’s also time to start listening for that first elk bugle echoing off the valley’s walls, the one down at the bottom of the ravine where all that thick brush is. We’re more than ready for that. Fall, it’s nearly here.