Monthly Archives: February 2015
Figaro !
Well it’s looking like spring is right around the corner here in Yellowstone and besides love, there is ‘you know what’, in the air. That’s right, Opera! As you know every year Yellowstone’s denizens get together and put on a show. And what a show it is. Various animal groups send their very best talent to try out for the various parts available and auditions are in full swing throughout the park. It’s like American Idol for the four-legged set.
This year they are going to present Le Nozze di Figaro or as it is correctly pronounced here in the USA “The Marriage of Figaro”. This is the same one that was written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, or old ‘Horndog’ as he was known in musical circles back then. Then being around 1786. It’s a comedy of course but the singing is serious, and many famous singers such as Pavarotti, Dion and The Belmonts, Gene Autry the singing cowboy, Placido Domingo, Enrico Caruso, Andrea Bocceli, Sting and Slim Whitman to name just a few have sung the part of Figaro.
The story is simple but compelling none the less and is considered to be a laugh riot extraordinaire by opera goers everywhere. Here is a brief synopsis.
The Marriage of Figaro continues the plot of The Barber of Seville, another side-splitting comedy, brought to you by the same folks at the Burgtheater in Vienna, several years later, and recounts a single “day of madness” (la folle journée) in the palace of Count Almaviva near Seville, Spain. There’s a woman who gets to be a countess; A really mean Doctor, our friend Figaro, his main squeeze Rosina a flighty but buxom wench and many others. There’s supposed to be a marriage but it gets all screwed up, and as the Opera closes everything has been straightened out and all ends well. It’s a fun-filled, zany, laugh a minute riot and a must see.
In a bold move the producers have chosen a young but sturdy Bighorn ram to play the part of Figaro who can be seen here practicing Figaro’s Aria, one of the catchy tunes that will have you humming it all day long.
The Institute has been graciously granted a large block of hard to obtain tickets to this amazing Spectacular, and we are making them available to the first 18,000 requests at the low price of $470 for adults and $350 for children under five. Now we know you’re going to want to see this once in a lifetime show so get your tickets early. We accept PayPal and cash, but please no personal checks, and as always se habla español. See you there.
Table For One Please
We have been getting cards and letters lately bemoaning the wretched state of table manners in Yellowstone National Park. Many of you, and by many I’m saying, fives of ones of you, have taken it upon yourselves to write critical letters regarding this phenomenon.
We recently received this letter from one Tilda Flapondo of East Pimple, NJ. She writes
Dear Director, While recently visiting that miserable place in Wyoming they call Yellowstone National Park I have to comment on the deplorable state of decorum, especially in the table manners of the citizens of this uncouth, backwoods landfill, and their total disregard for the most rudimentary knowledge of dining amongst well-mannered people such as my family and I.
Not even mentioning that as you travel the narrow twisty roads which are filled with nothing but trite mountain scenery, overfilled rivers and streams and disgusting animals, there is not a decent salon where one can get their hair and nails done. Plus my daughter wants to get her tattoo re-inked and this has simply been impossible. We’ve been subjected to the indignities of watching these barbarians, one might even call them animals, partake of their meals, eating with their mouths open, dropping parts of their food around what should be a dining table and generally behaving as if they were from New York city. We felt like a group of discarded pubic hairs tossed out of the roadway of disregard, yes, we felt so disrespected.
What has happened to our country, when decent people such as we are so mistreated and our insensibilities ignored. I can only say we are disgusted and shan’t return. I will be writing my congresswoman as soon as I get home. You’ll be lucky if they don’t close this place down.
I remain,
Disenchanted in East Pimple, N.J. (exit 9)
Here is our considered response,
Dear Disenchanted, First let me say that I am terribly sorry that you had a less than stellar visit to the grandmother of all national parks and understand that you were disappointed. But I must ask you one question. Is it true that you live in a town named East Pimple, New Jersey? What the hell were you people thinking when you named that garden spot. East Pimple, my god, and you criticize the beauty in the west.
First and by no means last, we must take exception to your statement that our ‘animals’ as you call them, have no table manners. The image above shows that you don’t know whether you walked to work or wound your watch. This is a young grey wolf of the Better Table Manners clan dining alone at one of the tonier establishments along the Yellowstone river. He has selected a table for one and is leisurely dining on a delectable meal of dead buffalo. This is not an overly mannered young wolf. He is in fact typical, and feels quite badly that you have mis-characterized him and his pack mates in this fashion.
Our animal citizens have been put through a rigorous training program by Mother Nature and taught good table manners in spite of your opinion. Our wolf packs tend to dine in areas set back away from the roadside and our grizzlies will often take a young elk or buffalo calf they are dismembering into the brush to consume it out of sight of our more squeamish visitors.
As a lesson in public relations we have circulated your letter amongst the different groups mentioned and to an individual they have decided that they would like to have you and your family for dinner. This is a rare honor and one I would hope you would take them up on at your earliest convenience.
Thank you for your comments and please, don’t hesitate to visit us again.
I remain, The Director of The Institute, an organization dedicated to the protection and preservation of the images and reputation of our western cultures, heritage and traditions.
As always we want your cards and letters and your comments are always welcome. Rest assured that we will do our utmost to answer any questions or concerns to the best of our abilities. Remember, we are The Institute and we’re here to help.
Elk Don’t Just Happen
Many times while walking through Rocky Mountain National Park I have heard children ask “Mommy, where do elk come from?” and mommy would reply “Uhmmmm, Just a minute honey.” while she thought up a good explanation. But mommies, while good-intentioned, often have their facts mixed up. Especially city mommies. The ones that think that milk comes from the 7-11. So they reach out there and pull something out of their Mother’s Book of Tricks handbook they all carry with them everywhere.
She will often hesitate to answer for a while thinking that junior or junioress will get sidetracked or because of their short little attention spans will simply forget they asked the question and mommy is off the hook. However there is always that one little precocious child that will say “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!” at the top of their shrill little voices until mom has to choose between infanticide and answering and will come up with a plausible, if off the wall answer.
In this case her response was “well honey, elk just don’t happen you know…” as she launched into her tale of where elk come from. She began by telling about how elk were a natural occurrence in the park but occasionally due to accidents, murder, kidnapping, being lured away for better jobs at higher pay by some of the bigger parks, yes, we’re looking at you Yellowstone, or simply falling over dead from a heart attack, they had to be replenished.
This is done by a process called “New Elk Appearing Out of Thin Air Kind of Magically” and is a secret way the park Rangers have of ordering up new elk to replace the ones that go away. “Remember how Flatus, your goldfish went away while HelloKitty was playing with him? Well it’s kind of like that.” But the Rangers have a way cooler process they use. They have planted special trees throughout the park so that when they need new elk they water the tree with some special water, and soon big pods form on the trees and when they’re ready, the pods fall on the ground and pop open, and guess what comes out? That’s right new elk! As you can see over there by that big green tree they have just hatched six new elk.
I listened in awe as this woman, whom we shall call Mommy, completely pulled this story out of her you know what and told it to the munchkin with a completely straight face. She was incredible and I was completely smitten with her intellect. When I had the chance I told her how I admired her ingenuity she looked at me and said “What, it doesn’t happen that way?” and walked away.
Now I’m not sure if she was kidding or telling the truth so I asked the Ranger about it and he said “Oh Yeah, that’s how we do it. ” then went off to ticket someone who was trying to feed one of the elk a pop tart. I’ve thought about this quite a bit and it all seems a little glib to me so I’m asking any of you Moms out there for your thoughts on this. Was she telling the truth or was this an elaborate mommy thing done to avoid having “the Talk”. Please send any responses to The Director, at The Institute as soon as you can. Thanks
Stone Eagle
Back many eons ago when Mother Earth was still forming and changing and the people and animals were unsure of who they should be, many of the creatures we know today and think we understand had not yet assumed their final shape and purpose.
During that time there was no thing such as good and bad. There was light and dark but not yet, goodness or evil. The people being the latest creations were also the smartest but they were weak and easy prey for those much bigger and stronger. They couldn’t out run the wolves, or fight with the giant bears, or hide from the eagles who would come and steal their children. And although they were many at first they soon saw that they would be gone, wiped out, by these other animals if something didn’t happen to help them soon.
They called out to Mother Earth saying “Why don’t you help us. They are killing us. They steal our children and we can do nothing. Soon we will all be gone.” Mother Earth replied “But I gave you everything you need to survive and make this earth your own. It is why you were the last to arrive. You have the power to overcome the wolves and the bears and even the mighty eagles who swoop down from the sky. This power lies in your ability to think and plan and work together. No other creatures on earth have this power.”
The people went away and studied her words and saw that this was true. They did something they had never done before and that was gather and choose a leader and decide what to do. They made a plan to capture their worst enemy which was the eagle because it stole their children, catching them as they tried to run and carried them off to their nests to feed their young.
The plan they chose was very smart but very dangerous and it needed someone to put themselves in harm’s way so that all the children would live and be safe from now unto forever. A young man-child of the people came forth and said he would do it, he would be the one. His parents cried and screamed and scratched their flesh in mourning but ultimately gave their blessing and he prepared to be the bravest of the brave that day.
Nearby where the people stayed there was a cave, a magical cave that was filled with living stone. It was fluid and changed shape and color at will. The people knew this but the eagle did not, and it was their plan to have the young man lure the eagle after him by running just fast enough to keep the eagle close but not catch him until they entered the cave. The eagle being arrogant and haughty could only see that the boy was trapped now and easy prey.
The eagle dove into the cave flying faster than it had ever flown before and seeing the boy at the end of the canyon reached forward with its terrible beak to catch him and found itself trapped in the narrow confines of the stone walls. Nothing had ever overcome it before and it began to scream in rage and frustration as the living moving stone slowly enveloped it and turned it into its final eternal shape.
The people were over joyed at their victory and celebrated long into the night, happy that they had saved their children and overcome a mighty enemy. But they were saddened too, because the young man who had so bravely offered himself up to the eagle could not get out of the canyon and he too was slowly turned to stone. He can be seen today as well as the eagle, as a small rounded boulder below the eagle’s wing.
The centuries have added the colors to both the eagle and the boy and they glow in the light of the sun that illuminates the canyon daily, caught there forever in their final struggle. Now visitors to this hallowed ground walk past and note how the stone looks like an eagle but they have no knowledge of the incredibly heroic struggle that took place here in the beginning of time, as the people took the first steps towards taking their place as the favored ones and becoming the caretakers of this earth.
We know this place as Antelope canyon and you can go there and see the eagle and the boy and watch the colors change but you can’t stay long enough to see the stone move.
Indelicate Perhaps But Necessary
As we are the premier go-to place on the web for questions about animal behavior, we at The Institute constantly get letters and phone calls, texts and emails, even telegrams. People often shout at us as they drive by asking us questions about the things animals do. One of the most frequently asked questions is “How do bull elk scratch their…..” I mean, “Why are bull elk antlers so big and long?”
For a long time we didn’t know. Didn’t have a clue. It seemed like an incredible disadvantage in fact having antlers that were like four or five feet long. The disadvantages seemed legion. When they travelled they always had to rent a convertible regardless of the weather, they couldn’t use the public facilities as the doors were too narrow, everything they wore had to be button up no trendy pullovers, other bulls would see them and immediately want to fight. It seemed like a bad joke had been played on them by Mother Nature.
Then late one afternoon in a meadow far, far away a small band of bulls appeared and began grazing. It was mid-summer in Yellowstone and although their antlers were reaching their full growth they were still covered with velvet and they hadn’t yet begun to form the needle sharp points that would make them so deadly in just a few weeks time.
What we didn’t know but were soon able to find out by listening to snippets of their conversations, was that growing those antlers with all that fuzz on them made them itchy. Really, super itchy, like when you think there’s tick on you but you can’t find it, only like a thousand times worse. They itched everywhere. On their backs, on their sides, behind their ears, even the bottom of their feet itched. They were itchy.
Then one of them, unable to get to the privacy of the tree line, couldn’t stand it anymore and even though he was in full public view, modesty be damned, he answered our question. This is why bull elk grow their antlers so long. No doubt anymore. This is why. So, indelicate as it appears, it is necessary, and if you ladies out there in webland have any doubts about this ask your significant other, for those of you whose significant other is male that is, and he will verify it. When you itch you got to scratch. Simple but most truths are. I hope we’ve answered your question once and for all and your curiosity is finally satisfied. This is what we do here, remember we’re from The Institute and we’re here to help.
Feather Count
This is, as many of you know who watch the Nature channel, a Golden Eagle. They are nature’s answer to the stealth bomber, or Italy’s Ferrari, or TV’s Christina Hendricks. I mention her only because of the similarity of her hair color to the color of the eagle’s feathers while soaring against the bluest of blue skies in the late afternoon sun. This must be how Christina’s hair would look as it caught the sun if she were flying around the cliff face here at the eagle nesting site in one of her tightest-fitting dresses…… but wait, did I just say that out loud, never mind, let’s just acknowledge that this is a Golden eagle and move on.
What many of you don’t know is that feather loss is a common but little known problem for birds of prey, particularly for the larger birds like the Golden eagle. The Eagle Observation Department (EOD) here at The Institute has a serious, but totally unnecessary, project in place where we have taken it upon ourselves to perform a periodic inventory of the overall health of this pair of Golden eagles, which includes a full exact feather count of each bird, if you will. We do this simply as a public service at absolutely no cost to you the taxpayer. Since the Federal government has repeatedly refused to fund our efforts in this endeavor we have had no other choice but to take this on ourselves and self-fund this project. Which is why you occasionally see members of The Institute approaching perfect strangers downtown and asking them for money, or canned goods, or checking the coin slots in public phones for quarters, or even, sadly, standing at corners with our cardboard sign saying “Give me money! I’m counting feathers for the community! Thank you, The Institute.” So far we’re barely making it but as this is a necessary project, we persevere.
Yesterday was one of our inventory days, so we sent a three-man team of scientists, photographers and security to our top-secret Golden eagle nesting site at Watson lake, outside of Bellvue, Colorado, 80512. The eagles were there and seemed eager to get this over with as they had mating to do so they could get the nest up and running for this years hatchlings.
Using our secret collection of eagle controlling hand signs, developed and patented here at The Institute, we were able to get the eagles to fly slowly back and forth as we counted feathers as quickly as we could. This is a much more difficult process than at first appears. As the feathers must be counted manually and in order, such as 8001, 8002, 8004 and so on, for accuracy. It is easy to lose count due to people walking up and asking you what are you doing or shaking your tripod leg. After answering you have to quickly reacquire the bird in your viewfinder and start over before it flies out of range. Add to that having to ask the eagle to fly upside-down so you can count the feathers on its back and you begin to get the picture of how difficult this process is.
This is why we have security on site as we inventory. Our crack security officer can keep the most persistent of onlookers at bay by slapping at their knees repeatedly with his attack dog’s leash. They howl and complain that they don’t have full access to events happening on public land but sacrifices often have to be made in the advance of science. Besides they always want to look through your viewfinder and talk to you about how they once saw a bird that looked a lot like an eagle, and sometimes about their Aunt who suddenly and for no reason took off all her clothes and jumped laughing into the lake, scaring the Canada geese all to hell. We’re busy here people, we don’t have time for idle chit-chat.
It was a long, long day but we finally finished and everyone was relieved including the eagles that we had gotten through another one of these trying but totally unnecessary procedures. We made plans to meet back here again in a month to repeat our efforts and everyone was good with that, except the female eagle who had taken to pulling some of her tertiary feathers out and was threatening to start on her primaries when we made a joint decision to reschedule in six weeks instead. This seemed to placate her somewhat. Some of us remembered that expecting females were often difficult to manage during this time, so allowances were made.
Our tallies were much closer this time than during previous attempts. Our scientist came in with a count of 114,651 feathers for the male eagle, the photographer counted close to 3000, and our security person had a count of 9, but as he was quite busy with crowd control we understood the discrepancy. So added together and averaged that gave us a count of 39,200 feathers for the male. The females’ numbers were tossed after she started pulling out her primaries during the fourth or fifth hour of counting. We are deciding if we are going to keep her involved as one the test subjects or not, we may not, at least until after the chicks are born. She should be in a much more manageable state by then. And besides due to weight gain before she lays those eggs she’ll probably pop a few feathers anyway, but that’s a subject for another study.
In the meantime we’ll continue monitoring the site and observe whatever behavioral changes we see. If this is a study you can support we encourage you to send donations of many dollars, especially large denominations, if you can, to The Institute so we can continue our valuable work. We’re particularly looking for those supporters that don’t pay much attention to details and results but like to be known for supporting wildlife causes no matter what the reason. Remember, the more you give, the better you look. And looking good is great!
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