Monthly Archives: February 2015

There Be Dragons Here

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Today is a gloomy overcast day full of grayness and cold, a complete change from the tropical weather of yesterday. Snow has fallen overnight which is normally a beautiful sight as it clings to the razor wire around the compound, I mean the campus here at The Institute. But not today, today it has a melancholy feel, not depressing as such, just one that makes you want to sit somewhere cozy with a warm body snuggled up at your feet and look out the window. Perhaps sunk deep in the burgundy leather of your favorite wingback chair, a sense of comfort and safety as if you were young and sitting in the lap of an old black woman, listening to her hum softly, everything new and clear and wondrous, drinking a hot cup of Jasmine tea, letting the steam warm your face as you contemplate your many trials and tribulations, wondering, considering what you might have done different with your life if you had been born a Prince of one of the more exotic islands in the South China Sea.

When this happens it’s easy to get lost in that moment, to find you’ve spent the entire day doing nothing. It’s a seductive time and one that is difficult to break free of if you don’t have something to take your mind off the past. Fortunately we have many  diversions here at The Institute, one of which is my all time favorite to visit when I need a change of attitude. And that of course, is the dragon hatchery. Many of you may be unaware of the fact that The Institute has the only certified, licensed and bonded dragon hatchery in the world. It is the world’s best, most productive, dragon hatchery in existence, and the only one operating as a commercial venture.

The hatchery occupies the lower northeastern wing of The Institute so that the light level remains more consistent throughout the day. This is important because recreating the subtle light of the undergrowth provided in many of the tropical areas where we get our breeding stock makes for a healthier dragon population. Dragons become overly excited in the harsh light of mid-day so we try to keep the light levels at a point that keeps them more agreeable. It also cuts down on our intern losses as the dragons temperament is directly related to their fire output. A calm dragon is a safe dragon.

As a commercial facility we provide dragons for the majority of the films being produced today. I’m sure you seen some of our alumni in the Larry Potter stories but one of our most famous graduates was Draco, the dragon in DragonHeart, a 1996 film starring  Dennis Quaid, David Thewlis, Peter Postlethwaite and Dina Meyer as Kara, the love interest. Our dragons are given full theatrical training, voice and Dance, both tap and ballroom and trained to do their own stunts. One of Draco’s most outstanding talents was his ability to perfectly mimic Sean Connery ‘s voice. This of course, made him a lock for the part and won him his first Charby award, a prestigious award presented by his peers in the dragon community. He has since gone on to a career in voice-over work providing the voices of many of the most beloved animated characters in many Disney films.

The dragon in the image above is a RistCanyon Alpine Climber, a mini-breed that we have been exclusively developing for the movie trade, theme parks, restaurant openings, and in some cases exotic pets for those that can afford them. What makes this breed special is the fact that it has a heatless flame that can be seen in bright sunlight up to a distance of 25 feet. This is an incredible sight to behold what with the roaring and its fierce stance, and the fact that it will scare the hell out of the neighborhood Dobermans doesn’t hurt either. It’s a manageable size, growing to a length of 15’ or less, it is more docile than some of our other breeds and it is good with children, quieter ones that is, we’re working on that, but in any event this is a spectacular dragon and we’re proud to call it our own.

This is always a soothing contemplative place to come, the dragon hatchery. To stand quietly and listen to the rustling of the dragons moving through the foliage, to hear them test their wings and feel the strength of the wind they produce with those mighty downstrokes, watching the quickening in their eye as they hear the subtle bleating of the sheep as the interns prepare to toss them into the enclosure. I never tire of that sight. I’m glad I came down here today. I was on the edge of feeling peckish, but now I think it will be a good day. I hope yours is too.

A quick note. If you are interested in purchasing or renting one of our dragons please be advised that our waiting list is 4 years out and we will soon be forced to stop taking names. I would advise calling our Dragon Marketing director, Crispy Bellows, as soon as possible to get on the list. Crispy is intimately familiar with all of our dragons many moods and peccadillos and is the person to talk to if you are unfamiliar with handling dragons. You can obtain pricing, insurance rates, and other pertinent information from Crispy at any time.

Chicks, Man

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For those of you who follow the blog closely you will remember that the Eagle Observation Department (EOD) here at The Institute has been closely following developments at our Top Secret Golden eagle nesting site at Watson lake, Bellvue, Colorado, 80512. Just a few weeks ago we conducted a scientific study concerning the number of Feathers on a Golden Eagle and its importance to their quality of life. You may refresh your memory by revisiting this important study here http://www.bigshotsnow.com/2015/02/07/ .

One of the reasons we have been closely following this Golden eagle pair is that due to recent activity between the two we have been led to believe it is entirely possible that they will produce young. We’re talking Chicks, man. As this is not a triple X rated blog we will not describe all the lurid details of these eaglesque encounters but we have all the pictures just in case someone doubts our word. And just like Kim Kardashian we won’t show you all the intimate details, wait, Kim Kardashian did show us all the intimate details. Hmmmm, however we’ve already said we won’t so we mean it. NO naughty eagle bits here.

But as you well know you can’t be doing the eagle dance of love all the time and there are other things that need to be taken care of before it’s egg time. There’s the eaglet shower, and getting the nursery ready, catching a movie and maybe an eagle dance or two to get in before it’s time to lay the eggs. As each egg is about 3″ long the eagles are looking at a long incubation period of 43-45 days with the female sitting on the nest constantly until the eggs are hatched. Absolutely no eagle dancing goes on during that period for sure I can tell you. The male, who by the time the incubation period has been in effect for a week or so, gets a little grumpy and goes out and hunts stuff and brings back the unnecessarily mangled prey for his mate to eat. This goes on for about 6 weeks after the chicks are hatched and by that time you can’t even tell what it was that the male eagle killed and brought back. Eagles are pretty basic animals, live, grow feathers, love, get frustrated, kill stuff, raise chicks. That about covers eagle behavior.

But as we mentioned earlier there’s a lot of stuff to get done and one of the biggys is getting the nursery ready. Here we see some rather common eagle behavior. Featherglo, the female Golden eagle, is bringing in nesting material to line the nest with. In this case it is a sage plant she has ripped out of the ground and she will use her body weight to press the sage down into the nest cavity forming a lush soft base for her to lay her eggs on.  She will be sitting on this for nearly a month and a half so it needs to be pretty comfortable.

We have given these two Golden eagles identifying names so we can tell them apart and have some sort of reference to indicate who’s who. We have already mentioned  Featherglo our female eagle, and we have named the male Strongbeak the mighty of the Iron Bill clan, Rabbit killer and Talon Thruster, Highest Flyer, Sky Crusher and Rattlesnake’s bane, we call him Strongbeak for short.

Since things are really getting good here at our Top Secret Golden Eagle nesting site, what with eagles flying around doing cool stuff in the air, the frenzied eagle dancing, and nest-building and such, we plan to follow-up this story to its hopefully successful conclusion, which would be young eaglets being raised and sent forth out into the world to make their own lives and repeat the cycle. This will require long periods of time spent sitting in a lawn chair behind our long lens drinking cold drinks and eating Subway sandwiches and occasionally some lasagna we made a few days ago, waiting for something to happen and then photographing it. We are prepared to do that so that you, who can not be here in person, can follow the lives of Featherglo and Strongbeak as they undertake this most important time of their lives.

If there is any problem with this plan it is that our Top Secret Nesting Site is on government property which is controlled and managed by the Colorado Fish and Game department. Consequently they have seen fit to establish the eagle’s nest on a Cliffside across a river, approximately 600 plus yards from where we can set up our observation post where it is handy for us to put up our lawn chairs, coolers for our refreshments, stands to hold our eagle identification books for dummies, trash receptacles, restroom facilities etc. As this is just about the optical limit for our specially designed Japanese manufactured telephoto lens to hope to get useable pictures, we have petitioned the Colorado Fish and Game division to move the nest closer, perhaps to one of the cottonwood trees nearby that line the river bank. That would make life much easier for us and give the eagles a change of view. So far we have had no response to our request. In fact when trying to flag down the government vehicle that is filled to overflowing with government officials that periodically cruise by to observe us, they speed up and will even take drastic measures to avoid the nail strips we place in the road to slow them down. We are considering writing a harsh but carefully worded letter to the New York Times if we don’t get a response soon. I know they don’t want that so we hope to get word from them soon.

In the mean time, we shall be on the job, doing photography stuff, observing, analyzing data, taking short power naps, calling people to see what they’re doing, trying to figure a way to stop the government truck, telling jokes to people who walk by, singing songs of nature and trying to figure out the lyrics to any Joe Cocker song, making bets on what the next food item might be that Strongbeak brings in, and living life. That’s it, Join us if you want to, Oh that’s right, this is a Top Secret Golden eagle nesting site located at Watson lake, Bellvue, Colorado, 80512 and you won’t be able to find it. Watch for future posts then.

Deep Deep Cold

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We have been getting delayed reports of the deep, deep cold being experienced on the East coast. The  reports have been delayed because it takes 24-36 hours for the reports to thaw out before we can read them. So we’re usually a day behind on what’s happening out there.

Apparently the cold began out there around the same time winter set in and has not let up since. It seems that the problem has been compounded by the fact that cold experienced earlier, that would normally have left the area, has remained, causing an accumulative effect as the new cold piles on top of existing cold and gets colder rather than dissipating. Quite wretched actually. This is known in weather jargon as the double-whammy, stick it to you, OMG, is  the dog stuck to the light post again, kind of cold. Which is similar to our Wednesdays, were we having a normal winter.

However, because we have been living right, here in the wonderful state of Colorado, we have been catching a break as far as nasty winter weather goes this year. In fact this has been one of our warmest on record. Our banana plantation here at The Institute has opened early this year, in fact it was never really shut down, and as you can see the foliage in our tropical garden down near the pond has gotten completely out of control. We are ruing, positively ruing, having given the gardener the winter off. We have been frantically trying to reach him as the coconut palms and pineapples are in desperate need of attention. But enough of our problems.

You guys are in the tough crapola stage of winter and we would like to extend our sympathies for your current state of affairs. So, sorry, wish things were better for you, Spring shouldn’t be too far away, so think good thoughts and uhmm, stay warm. Got to go now, the Passion fruit needs picking. Later.

A Mother’s Choice

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There has been a controversial topic in the media regarding a mother’s choice as to where or when she breastfeeds her child in public and we have been asked to comment by concerned citizens. As you know we at The Institute have always been at the forefront of controversy and have never shied away from making comments on things we know little about and we’re not about to start now.

As we understand it the question has been raised as to whether mothers should be allowed to breastfeed in public at all, and if so, where would be an appropriate place. Someone asked “Well, should they be allowed to breastfeed at a NASCAR event, or at one of the Final Four games. What about at the Chik-fil-a at the food court, or during a high-profile murder trial like the OJ case for instance. Or at a bustop during tornado season. How about while jogging?” Well we were at a loss as to how to answer these questions so we decided to ask a mom herself.

We chose Edna, one of the resident grizzly moms at Yellowstone, to see what her opinion might be. We found her, as luck would have it, up on Mt. Washburn nursing Steven, this years cub, in a small muddy patch of dirt along the side of the road. She was in full view of all the passing tourists and other gawkers and seemed perfectly oblivious to the interest they were showing. We approached her gingerly as she was known to have eaten at least two other interviewers and asked her if she thought mothers should be allowed to nurse their offspring in public, thereby flaunting the conventional ideas of modesty. Upon reflection she gave us 10 seconds to get as far away from her as possible and as we split we took that as an affirmative answer.

So there you have it, straight from a mother’s mouth. Nurse where you want to Mom’s, and if anyone gives you any guff send them to talk to Edna.

The Day The Color Stopped

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Running a national park is very expensive, like astronomically expensive, and Yellowstone is the most expensive of all our great parks to operate. It takes mammoth amounts of tax dollars every day just to keep the lights on. I’ve heard people say “Yeah, so what’s so expensive then. You got a main gate with some ticket booths, a couple of buildings scattered around and a few guys in ranger suits driving around in prius’s. I don’t get it.”

What these misguided folks don’t know is that there is more to running a park than ticket booths and prius’s and that deep in the wilderness off behind Virginia cascade, there is a huge complex that is the very heart of Yellowstone. You’ve seen these innocent appearing roads marked Service Road Do not Enter as you drive around the park. Where did you think they went? They all lead back to this complex discretely called Main Park Services. There are buildings above ground and buildings below ground that control every aspect of the park. It is a huge undertaking and responsibility.

There are huge pumping stations that power all the rivers in the park, from the slow-moving Madison to the raging torrent of Yellowstone falls. You didn’t think these rivers flowed by themselves did you. There are turbine barns that house giant fans that create the wind throughout the park. They are large enough to create the maelstrom of straight line winds that cause the massive blow downs of thousands of trees you see everywhere, yet gentle enough to keep the golden grass of the Lamar valley waving peacefully as you drive by.

There is a separate building that only houses the IT department for the park. Hundreds of backwoods nerds drink coffee by the boatload and keep the computers running so that everything looks normal for the millions of visitors that pass through the park yearly. They have a division that does nothing but make employee name tags 24 hours a day. They create the schedules that designate where all the wildlife in the park needs to be at a given time on a given day. Just keeping track of all the widgeons and Harlequin ducks takes a full-time employee. And that doesn’t even begin to explore HR and payroll.

One of the most important functions of this complex and one that keeps a team of full-time Engineers busy night and day is maintaining the system of Shock Absorbers that keep the park geologically stable and maintains its ability to dampen the effect of the near daily earthquakes that plague the park. Buried deep within the earth are a series of hydraulically manipulated cavities approximately 1 1/2 miles wide and 2 miles deep lined with a complex material woven out of Teflon, cobalt and spider silk that are filled with 10w-30 motor oil. These huge bladders occupy about 2/3’s of the cavity and when an earthquake occurs they have the ability to swell up and absorb the energy through compression. This keeps the surface of the park from the heaving that causes road and structure damage. This is a key system to operating the park safely and cannot under any circumstances go all wonky of a sudden.

Another system that is very important, not just for keeping the visitors of the park safe, but more for their emotional welfare is the C L T C system (Chroma, Luminosity, Tonality and Intensity).This is the heart of the parks color generating ability and is crucial in keeping the attendance level up in the park. No color no visitors. It’s as simple as that. People will put up with 6 point earthquakes, long lines at the restrooms, snafus in scheduling the wolf packs but screw with the color and that’s that. They’re gone.

Huge color projectors are running constantly generating all the hues you see as you travel through the park. The sunsets over the Firehole river where it meets the Madison, the burnt orange of the newly hatched buffalo calf, the flicker of blue as a Stellar Jay flits from one branch to another, all of these are as important to the visitors as the earthquake dampening system. Without the color all you have is a park that looks like a 1940’s B&W film of Czechoslovakia except with hills and grizzlies.

Which is why, when we had the day the color stopped, it was so catastrophic. It all started innocently enough. People were lined up at the overlooks at the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone taking in the massive array of colors as they gazed at the multi-hued canyon walls. The impossible blending of every color you can imagine in a symphony of never-ending harmony that stretched for as far as you could see. What they didn’t see was the little relay switch on the main color projector blow with a small quickly dispersing cloud of smoke. Which led to an insufficient amount of power getting to the main bulb which suddenly flickered and died. Without the input from the bulb the CLTC system began to fail and the overload took out the backup system and color began to drain out of the Grand Canyon of The Yellowstone.

This had never happened before and soon people’s’ worst nature came to the surface. There was pushing and shoving, and instances of someone nearly going over the edge as the crowd stampeded for their cars. Children were crying, their arms outstretched waiting for someone to pick them up in a safe embrace, but the lack of color had the crowd panicking. They had only one thought in their minds. They had paid 50 bucks to get in and there was nothing to see. Fortunately there were no fatalities but it was only dumb luck that prevented them.

Yes, it was a terrible day, the day the color stopped, but the selfless employees at the complex did what it took to rectify the situation. A new bulb was slapped in, the CLTC system was rebooted and the little relay switch was replaced. Within hours the situation was back to normal. Yes there were a few people who left and felt they had wasted their 50 bucks, but those who had faith in the system were rewarded for their patience and loyalty with an extraordinary display of the colors of the Canyon that only a new bulb in the projector could provide.

We have provided an image from that fateful moment as the color began to drain out of canyon and you can see how depressing and mood altering this was for the spectators. It wasn’t long after this image was taken that the color completed drained out and flowed down the river lost forever. We have images of that too, but cannot in good consciousness show them to you.

The next time you visit Yellowstone National park and you feel the ground shake slightly, or see the rivers running freely, or notice the incredible beauty that color lends to the scenery you might think of that hidden complex called the Main Park Services and be thankful that the park is up and running as usual. I know I do.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

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One of these things is not like the other. Can you guess which one it is? If you guessed the dark buffalo in front you’d be wrong! It’s the lighter one behind it that’s different. It’s lighter you see, in fact it is so light it is known as a white buffalo. A white buffalo is a miraculous thing and it is sacred to Native Americans as it is related to a prophesy called White Buffalo Calf Woman, which you can read more about here. http://discoverjamestownnd.com/data/upfiles/media/WhiteBuffaloLegend_large.jpg The chances of a white buffalo calf being born are thought to be one in ten million.

The National Buffalo Museum is located just outside Jamestown North Dakota and it is famous for having a white buffalo. Although the buffalo seen here is not pure white, but an orange-ish pale color there are patches of white on its hide.  Its mother is actually an albino, but has given birth to several pure white calves. The other thing about White buffalo is that they don’t always stay white. As they grow and age their color can change to a darker shade similar to the buffalo shown here to nearly dark brown again. Another snow-white buffalo calf born pure white, had its head color change from white to a dark brown and the rest of its body became a silvery tan as it aged. The prophesy states that the buffalo can become four colors, black, brown, red and white.

Visitor’s from all over the world have travelled to the museum to see this living miracle and of course Native Americans have travelled in huge numbers to pay their respects. If you’re travelling on I-94 through North Dakota watch for Jamestown and spend some time with one of the rarities of the animal world.

Shades of Morning

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Good Morning,  Daanzhonl da, Apache [Jicarilla] (Arizona USA), Egun on, Basque (Spain, France), Jo san, Cantonese (China), Oga’an maolek, Chamorro (Guam, Mariana Island),  God morgen, Danish (Denmark, Greenland), Aloha kakahiaka, Hawaiian (Hawaii),  Uvlaalluaqtaq, Inupiaq (Alaska), Ohayo gozaimasu, Japanese (Japan), Hinhanni waste, Lakhota (United States), L-ghodwa t-tajba, Maltese (Malta), Ma cualli tlaneci, Náhuatl [classical] (Aztec Empire),  Ungil tutau, Palauan (Palau),  Ziech chuknaen, Udmurt (Russia), and Umhlala gahle, Zulu (Southern Africa).*

You can say it in any language you want, in fact I have a very good friend, an old Africa hand, that prefers Ema Asubuhi, Bwana, nacaca taka wiski tena taharuki, Which I gather means Good Morning Bwana, I want whiskey again, hurry. But even he agrees that the best mornings come from right off The Institutes primary photography deck here in Colorado.

We have a morning every single day here and we haven’t missed a single one as long as The Institute has been in existence. This is a pretty good record considering we have been up against some pretty stiff competition. There have been a few rumors that mornings are nice in Hawaii and they’re not too bad from the edge of the Grand Canyon of The Yellowstone but if you want a really good morning then right here, right next to the corner post of our very own photo deck, is the best place to be.

There are more ways to say Good Morning than I have listed. The good folks at Jenny’s Language pages say there are more than 3000 languages and counting so if you need to express yourself in another language you have a lot of possibilities. I prefer Good Morning as that is my native language and I’m familiar with all 60 or 70 words of it so I use it without even thinking about it. Lately I’ve been thinking that I may switch to Inupiaq, what we know as Inuit, because the words just seem to roll off my tongue, but I’m not sure yet. In any event here it is another good morning brought to you by the folks at The Institute. You’re welcome.

* Jennifer’s Language Page at users.elite.net/runner or www.elite.net/~runner).  Jennifer’s Language Pages are  an extraordinary place to find out how to say Good Morning in any language you may want to. Check it out.