Warning: This report may not be suitable for all readers. Readers discretion advised.

The desert is a dangerous place. There are mysteries here and stories to send a chill down your spine even on the hottest day. Creatures that haven’t seen the light of day for thousands, if not hundreds of years, suddenly appear out of the darkness to scare the living crap out of you, then slink back into whatever hellish crevice they live in to wait for another opportunity to come forth and get you.

Some are slimy, but not many, this is the desert after all. The slimy ones are usually found way back in caves near a stream and lurk there, pulsating slowly, their tongues flickering out searching the air for the scent of humans. The know that sooner or later some individual who has ignored all the warning signs that say things like “Warning! Slimy monsters in here. Enter at your own Risk”. will come sneaking down the long stone corridors, exploring for the reason the warning signs were there in the first place. They usually find out much to their dismay when the dark slimy creature sends its long mucous covered tongue to wrap around their exposed throat. The only sign that someone was ever there is their muffled screams as they head slowly down the beasts throat.

But since they are so rare, numbering in the mere thousands we will move on to the really dangerous creatures that lurk in plain sight in the noon day sun. We had been exploring John’s canyon which is between Jack’s canyon and Diane’s canyon near Goosenecks state park and not too far from Canyonlands. We discovered what at first appeared to be an innocent pile of rocks when in reality they are actually deadly killers. Looking like any other lizard shaped rock formation they allow you to approach, then with dazzling speed they transform into a lizard-like creature and eat your beagle.

We have captured one of these devious, but cunning devils after it had recently fed and had returned to its dormant state in the photo above. Hearing the pitiful sobbing of a distraught hiker coming down the trail, we noticed that she was dragging a leash behind her, its little empty collar with the name tag “Tuffy” softly glinting in the sun. As she stopped to untangle it from the thorny bush it had snagged on we asked her what had happened.

“It was horrible” she sobbed. We saw this lizard like rock and stopped to take its picture when Tuffy suddenly pulled loose and ran up to it.” She broke down here and it took several bottles of gin to get her speaking again. “It was so horrible. This beast, this demon-spawn, this death-dealing creature from the pits of hell, ( this is where we took the gin away from her) suddenly came alive and snatched Tuffy in its cavernous maw. And ate him. One bite. One little yelp, that’s all I have to remember him. That and this stupid leash that keeps getting tangled up in everything.”

We did our best to console her but she was, like, inconsolable, so we left her there with our last bottle of gin and crept forward to observe this creature. It had already resumed its dormant state and simply lay there full of Beagle and looked like a pile of rocks again. We don’t know if its diet consists primarily of Beagles or it will take other types of canines too. In fact, we don’t know much about it at all, other than the story our hapless but drunken and beagleless victim related to us. We did notice a complete absence of coyotes in the area where they should have been knee-deep, but that doesn’t prove anything. Thinking that this whole episode requires more thinking we intended to think more about that tomorrow. Our plan was we would return in the near future with a malamute, as soon as we can get one from the pound, to see just how varied this creatures’ appetite is.

So the moral of this story is, if indeed it needs a moral, is “Keep a tight grip on your Beagle. Don’t go running up to something that resembles a lizard just because it looks cool. And pay attention to warning signs near abandoned caves. And oh yes, if you must hike in uncharted desert regions with your Beagle make sure he has attended a qualified dog training course and understands the risks of desert hiking. Get one of those bumper stickers that say “My Dog was an honor student at the Biteless Beagle Academy”, or wherever you take him so that others know that you two are qualified to be in the desert. Remember, Be Safe, and if it looks like a Beagle Eating Stone Lizard it probably is.” And also keep in mind, you’re in Utah. A lot of strange stuff happens there.

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