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We have provided the image above of the Temple of Sinawava in Zion National park taken in December when it was cool, to provide you with some relief and to remind you that once there were cooler temperatures here on Earth.

The following is your weather report from the meteorological center at The Institute. This is a copyrighted report and may not be reprinted, sold, or even told to your neighbor without our express written approval. Or you can just pay us as many dollars as you can cram into a fed-ex box and it’s cool. Please no personal checks. Cash, Money order, or Cashier’s check only.

These conditions have existed for the last 900 days on the *ISL scale. Please be advised that these conditions can be hazardous to your health due to the high heat index. They can cause swelling of your electric bill, a burning sensation all over any exposed body part, loss of memory keeping you from remembering what cool feels like, and the pain of listlessness and lethargy. Take protective measures. Stay inside areas with a temperature of 50° or less, take off all your clothes, taking selfies ok but optional, posting those selfies even more optional, (note: some things can not be unseen), eat food items with low calorie content like ice, or other hard water, ice cream, ice cream without calories but ice in it, etc. Keep any exercise above shallow breathing to a minimum. Take naps if needed. (*It Seems Like).

Stn: The Institutes’ Rocky Mountain permanent weather reporting station at our World Headquarters high in the Foothills of northern Colorado.

Temp: Present temperature  94°

MinT: Minimum temperature recorded over the last 18 hours –  94°

MaxT: Maximum temperature  recorded over the last 18 hours –  94°

Forecast: 94° for the foreseeable future

RH: Present RH (95-100%)

WndDir: Wind direction N- NW by S – SE

WndSpd: Wind speed 12-15 mph

WndGust: Wind gust 95mph

Rain_mm: Rain since last report – 4.9″ per day

Snow_cm: Snow since last report – There is no snow. Not Now NOT EVER

Hail mm: Hail since last report – Yes our local index was at “Grill Denter” stage which is just below DefCon 5. This is where the hail was big enough to dent the top of your gas grill while you still had it stored in the garage.

FFMC – Fine Fuel Moisture Code  –  We Don’t know what this is So we don’t use it. Sounds like it could be hot though.

ISI – Initial Spread Index –  100 % Yes this weather is spread all over the damn place

DMC – Duff Moisture Code  –   We Don’t know who Duff is. Never heard of him.

BUI – Build Up Index – The index that tells you when the weather conditions have built up to the point where you want to bite the heads off chickens. BUI presently 92% Hide your chickens.

DC – Drought Code – When you’re about to run out of Ice or the length of time you have been out of ice. Currently 40%

DSR – Daily Severity Rating – Oh yeah This is severe. On a scale of 1-10 this is a Q.

FWI – Fire Weather Index – 1 to 5 – as follows

1: hot

2: hotter

3: pretty damn hot

4: Ok this is hot enough

5: Spontaneous combustion.

Our local rating 7: You should have lived a better life

We hope this has provided you with enough information to allow you to deal with the current weather conditions. If not, we suggest emergency flights to Alert, in the Qikiqtaaluk Region, Nunavut, Canada, which is the northernmost permanently inhabited place in the world, they say it’s cool there. Check your local carriers for flight schedules.

Stay tuned for further weather reports if the weather ever changes. But I wouldn’t get your hopes up.