Magpie Rocky Mountain National Park celebrating an early snowfall

As you know, we here at The Institute often get letters from naïve but clueless readers asking burning questions about wildlife. As a research institution we are duty-bound to answer these questions, as this is one of the ways we justify our position of being the leading institute of learning and a source of untraceable income because of the cash fees we impose on anyone who is gullible enough to pay them. We recently received this letter which we reprint in its entirety, asking about one of the icons of the West, birdwise, the Magpie. You may have heard that there is a certain amount of strained relations between our neighbors The Ranchers and The Magpie. We are uncertain how this animosity first started but it’s there, and we must deal with it.

Dear Institute, I have heard from some of the ranchers here in the West that the Magpie is considered to be a “bad” bird. A nuisance bird. A bird of little value. They make some rather startling claims and swear that they are true.

Such as,

Magpies will come in the early afternoon and carry off your smaller children to eat them leisurely at their nests.

Magpies will, because of their innate animal cunning, figure out how to open your mailbox and steal your income tax refund check.

Magpies will imitate the sound of a female dog in heat and lead your good male cattle dogs off into tick infested brush thereby addling their brains.

Magpies will often fly over and drop those same ticks into your potato salad at the church picnic and cause a parishioner-wide outbreak of lemon disease.

Magpies because of their distinct coloring will often conceal themselves in a herd of Zebras so they can get real close to you and you wouldn’t even know it.

Magpies are one of leading causes of divorce in the rural West as their calls can befuddle wives and sweethearts to the point where they will act inappropriately with a traveling seed salesman, thereby ruining their relationships without even getting any discount on the seed order.

Magpies are “tricky”.

Magpies will often steal farm machinery and leave it in hard to find places.

Magpies are mostly democrats but some are republicans. There are practically no libertarian magpies.

The only good Magpie is one that stays mainly on that “sheeper’s” place.

Magpies will steal bright shiny things but worsely, they also will purposely miscount your change back to you.

And there were other more outlandish claims but some were too vicious and vulgar to repeat to a shocked but interested public, so I have omitted them. My question to you is, Are these things true? Should I think rudely about a Magpie? Do Magpies truly befuddle women with their calls and how do I learn how to make that call, or if that is not possible where can I find a job as a traveling seed salesman?

Concerned in Colorado,

Well we were shocked to hear some of these rumors which are apparently rampant amongst the bird rumor people and we felt that we must get an objective opinion on this matter. We turned this letter with its probing questions over to our resident birdologist, Dr. Lem Beakston, with instructions to ” find out about this, goofball, right now, earn your keep for a change,  go to the home of the Magpie and interview it until we get the truth “.

Three weeks later Dr. Beakston returned with nothing, bupkis, nada. The bird completely rebuffed every effort to have any kind of meaningful dialogue about this potentially dangerous situation and wouldn’t talk to him. In fact the bird became abusive, caustic, rude, self-centered, mean, and opinionated. We were beginning to believe some of the accusations made in the letter. After many exhaustive attempts to engage the Magpie Beakston finally gave up and returned with his miserable excuse of a report. He got nothing, we’re out over $15.00 for the week he was there and the bird continues on oblivious to the mounting prejudice against it. In fact as a parting shot to Beakston he presented his famous “Fantail Salute” to the departing researcher.

Fantail Salute

A final indignity that was totally uncalled for. We can only conclude that there must be some validity to the rumors making their way around the west about this misguided but arrogant bird species. We will try again sometime in the future to interview this unfriendly creature but are beginning to think that this will not be productive. Until then we advise the ladies in our readership to not listen to the call of the Magpie. You’ve been warned.

Dr. Beakston’s reply to our letter writer was short and direct.

Dear Concerned in Colorado,

“yeah they’re all true. I’d buy all your womenfolk earmuffs if you are going to be in ‘Magpie’ country and use the net to order your seed.”

Yours truly, Dr. Lem Beakston; AARP, USDA, MMPI, NSA, PPFA, NOW, MADD, AIM