American Robin   Yellowstone             click to enlarge

We have been getting a huge amount of cards and letters from our loyal readers, Ok two, asking why hasn’t the Institute been out in the field shooting those incredible images we’ve come to know and love, and why haven’t you been bringing us more hard-hitting news and insipid, I mean astounding new discoveries.

To which I reply “Hey, will you give us a break here ?!? This has been the 11th worst winter in recorded history. Its been cold, snowy, windy, wet, and miserable. My battery froze in my car. Half the staff has run off to find heat, whatever the hell that is, and the other half is unresponsive. Its been tough around here.” But I get your meaning. You’re bored too.

However the Institute is slowly coming back to life. Its been a little warmer, we found our camera gear which had been lost, some intern had packed it in a cooler and stuck it way back in the cistern room, I better not find out who did that. The mice chewed off one side of my camera strap and I’ve had to tie it back on with some kind of goofy bowline knot I remembered from scouts, so now when I go out there’s this big stupid knot that keeps banging into my glasses, and more to the point, our researchers have grudging agreed to actually do some research.

Consequently we sent our resident birdologist, Dr. Lemuel Beakston, up to our favorite place to look for stories and mysteries, which is Yellowstone National park of course, and he has finally sent back a report. Apparently the park is abuzz with reports of an odd-looking bird seen flitting about in trees and stuff, bushes, wet spots on the ground, you know, looking for worms and causing no end of puzzlement as to what it is and what, if any, its motives are. Is it an invasive species, an alien infestation from our neighbors to the North sent to eat all of our earthworms so we have to buy them from those really sneaky guys up there. They’re still cheesed off at us for making fun of them saying eh’ all the time so I wouldn’t put it past them. Or is it some new totally unidentified species that we are seeing for the very first time. Personally I’m banking on the Canadian theory but I could be wrong.

When we send our field agents out into the field to investigate phenomenon they are given a complete kit we have developed over the years to aid them during their research. It has things in it like a compass, power bar, three tissues packed in a waterproof baggie for any emergency that might arise, also three squares of TP in a separate waterproof baggie for any emergency that might arise, a dime for use in any payphone in case of real emergency, a piece of paper with the personal unlisted cell phone number of our resident physician, Dr. Vera Lent, in case they think they may die, a small notebook and pencil to write down facts, a small mirror for flashing at overhead planes in case they get lost, an extra key to the perimeter fence gate in case they get back late, a name tag, a magnifying glass for looking at things very close, and in Dr. Beakston’s case a well used copy of the six pound, “The Audubon Society Encyclopedia of North American Birds” with the original dust cover, so he can find out what kind of bird it is in the rare occasion he doesn’t know.

However as is often the case, the best laid plans of mice and men etc. sometimes get screwed up. Just ask Shackleton or Emilia, and Beakston is no exception. In fact around the PhD lounge he is known as the guy, who if he had a duck, it would drown, and he lives up to his reputation every chance he gets. It seems that his copy of the Audubon Society Encyclopedia of North American Birds with the original dust cover, is missing pages. Someone, and unfortunately it could have been anyone, tore out some of the pages to start the morning fire back when it was so cold this past winter that we were burning The Institutes prized antique furniture collection just to stay alive.

And of course the missing pages were from the ‘R’ and ‘Q’ and ‘M’ sections of the index so he has no idea what this bird might be. Which is why we are reaching out to you our loyal readers, to ask if anyone has noticed a bird resembling the one pictured above and do you have any idea of what it is called. One wit sent in the answer ‘Earl’ but we know that isn’t correct. Neither is Virgil so knock that crap off. If you’re not going to help us then just don’t send anything in. But you serious folks, and you know who you are, please give us a hand and send in anything you believe might help us, except a cease and desist letter, that’s not going to help at all and besides the guard at the Institute’s gate has instructions not to accept anything he has to sign for. Time is of the essence and we’d like to get the scoop on this before any of the other Institutes start to horn in on the action and claim credit for discovering and naming this maybe new species. Thanks. Please enclose a dollar, or some bread, or any cast-oft clothing that might aid in the financing of our endeavors here at The Institute, Bless you.