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Not too long ago we had a visitor here at the Institute. While that itself is not that unusual, we occasionally allow visitors onto the compound, I mean campus, after they pass our screening and background evaluation and they fork up, I mean pay the modest entry fee we impose, it was the visitor herself that was unusual.

She entered the grounds like she owned them and made certain that everyone she met was aware of just how special she was. Some women are like that, they just demand attention at the highest level and while not saying a word the unspoken message here is, if you’re extraordinary lucky I may pay you some slight notice, but don’t count on it. But in the meantime bring me something to eat and make the steak rare. I shall wait here.

One of the indentured servants, I mean staff researchers, made a politically incorrect comment that if she were a person she’d be a stripper and her name would be Roxanne LaRue, which was apparently the name of his high school health and development teacher. Well, as director of the Institute and chief policy maker, I was incensed at the massive insensitivity of his remarks. My immediate reaction was to have the miscreant flayed but in order to try to understand what would make this person say something that judgmental and disrespectful, and to stave off what I was sure was going to be an incredible sexual harassment lawsuit, I asked him as security was applying the restraints, “What would make you say something like that”. His reply was “Look at the way she’s dressed, that beautiful coat, those long elbow length black gloves, the ostrich fans in her luggage, she can’t be anything else.”  Horrified as I was, but thankful for the full news blackout we impose here at the Institute, I thought about the motivation behind his comment. I also made a note to myself to up the protein content slightly at the commissary as the lack of protein has been known to cause people to lose brain cells and appear sluggish and stupid. Seeing that there may have been overriding circumstances that would cause him to make that judgmental and sexist comment regarding womanhood in general, I commuted his flaying and just had his commissary privileges cut to one higher protein meal a day for the next three weeks.

It was fortunate for us that Roxanne, which incredible as it seems was actually her name, chose to be more than understanding about the entire matter and let it drop if we would conduct sexual harassment classes and sensitivity training for our staff. Seeing as how this could save us huge bucks, her suggestion was put into immediate effect. Now every morning at 6:15 our entire staff attends these classes and writes “I will not say rude stuff to women or accuse them of being strippers even if they look like one” 2200 times as reinforcement of attitudes that should be natural in the human male anyway.

As director I feel incredibly fortunate to have dodged this hot potato, the lawsuit, not Roxanne, and breathed a sigh of relief at her understanding and professionalism. Thankfully everything has returned to normal and I’m pleased to note that our income has picked up dramatically now that Roxanne is appearing nightly at the compound’s beer joint, I mean our staff recreation center. In fact reservations are required and we have been able to add a cover charge which goes into our find more strippers kitty, I mean Personnel Development fund.

A side note:  We must state that the name Roxanne LaRue is fictitious and is a stage name created by the performer herself and in no way alludes to, or is in fact a living breathing human who may or may not be a stripper. Any reference to anyone who may resemble this performer or her stage name is entirely coincidental. So don’t get any funny ideas. The lummox who started this entire thing has had his sentence fully commuted and now heads up our entertainment recruitment program. And He gets three high protein meals a day and appears to be noticeably brighter. This just goes to show that we all learn in different ways. Another step forward here at the Institute.